So it's a new day and I'm starting to worry about what happened yesterday. I'm questioning if it's progress or not. I mean, so he felt bad after being here all day, but what if he just brushes it off as something to go through as a result of the separation and doesn't let himself think that he might actually be wrong and want to come home? He's still talking to his OW even if she is in another country. It's just so hard to focus on me and the steps I'm taking when it feels like these steps are leading me away from my goal. I don't know what's going on with him which is the hardest part for me. We've spent the last 11 years together and I knew everything about his life. It's so hard going from that to being totally shut out. I'm so scared that I'm going to do all of this and it's still going to end in divorce. I know that's something that I need to prepare myself for. I know that I can't control him or the outcome and all I can do is work on myself and GAL and all of that stuff. What I'm struggling with is that I never wanted this. I have had no say in this at all. My life and my future have been changed and ultimately I have no say in that.
Meli, It's normal to have feelings of hopelessness, believe me. All LBS feel that way, especially at first. Yesterday was a good day for you, your H, and your kids. Chalk that up as a WIN and put it behind you. Focus on today and putting another one in the WIN column. Focus on you and your family. Endless analysis and speculation about what your H is feeling or what he might or might not do is not getting you closer to your goal, nor is it improving your life. Keep working on you! Keep your PMA and GAL activites going.
One thing to remember: DBing doesn't guarantee that you will save your M. You may do all the things, and go through all the steps and your M may still end in D. That is the cold, hard truth. But, and this is a huge, huge BUT, if you have truly been DBing, you stand your best chance to save your M. Regardless of the final outcome though, your life will be better, and your relationship with your kids will be better whether or not you reconcile.
Keep your chin up today! Remember what you've read here on the boards and what your DB coach told you. Don't over-analyze things. If you need to vent all that negativity and doubt, do it here and then toss it out. Today is about you!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
So, I'm totally falling apart right now. This conversation he wants to have about divorce is freaking me out. I'm trying to think of the worst case scenario so I can be prepared. I'm really good at that, a little too good. I'm thinking he's going to tell me that he's filed and that his fish and chips chick is going to move to the states to be with him. Yeah, I'm sure that's asking for trouble, but I want to be prepared.
Should I act as if I'm okay and agreeing to a divorce? Wouldn't that be reinforcing his belief that we're no longer good for each other? It's hard for me to feel like these tactics are working when the day after I thought I did so well he's asking to talk about divorce. It feels more like what I did and the time we spent as a family pushed him closer to his decision. Is this how it usually goes? Do all WASes do this? I'm so confused.
Today was interesting. The kids and the dog were at the grandparents for spring break, but had to be taken to their dad's house because of a family emergency. H texted me to let me know and to ask me to pick up the dog. Have I mentioned that he's sharing a little 2 bedroom house with his best friend? It's not really big so having our little beagle there was not a good idea. Anyway, on the way to pick up the dog I called him to make sure that he was going to keep the kids tomorrow night too because I have plans. In a joking way he was like, what do you mean you have plans? You're supposed to be sitting at home miserable and crying. I was like, it's no fun being miserable and I'm not doing it anymore. Then he started chatting about the kids and what his parents left for them. I ended the conversation first because I was heading there anyway.
So I get there and they were eating. I nibbled a bit off one of the plates and H was like, you can get a plate if you want. I told him no I didn't need to and he said there's plenty of food get a plate and sit down. I refused again because I was meeting my mother for dinner. He looked a little disappointed. Then I asked him what I should do with the dog since I hadn't planned on going home after work tomorrow. He looked at me and said, why where are you going? I just said you know . . . out. I didn't tell him anymore than that.
He packed up the dog's stuff while I was cheerfully telling the kids goodbye. He stepped outside to smoke a cigarette (gross) and we chatted for a second before I told him to have a good night and left. This DBing stuff may not bring him home in the end, but it sure is making me feel empowered instead of a victim of these circumstances. I love that part!
Meli, There's not much more I can teach you about DBing; you are already a pro! Honestly, you are doing fabulous in your sitch. Keep doing what you are doing and no matter what, you will have the life and the family that you need and deserve. In fact, in a while you will most-likely be in the position of deciding whether you want him back, or not!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
