I had to get to the bottom of this. Because that was really loony behavior -- like nothing I've EVER seen from her in 22 years.
She's all twisted up. It's really sad to see. I just had to throw her a life-line. I let her vent and threw HER the bone.
So we're going to have an outing next week, just the 2 of us, no pressure, jut wandering around a local state park.
She's so afraid to be vulnerable to me, I think, that she winds up making herself feel vulnerable by constantly fearing vulnerability and winds up defending against attacks she assumes are going to come -- otherwise why would you feel vulnerable?
Which sucks. I sort of hate feeling sorry for her, esp. because what I want to do is make the hurt go away. Which I can't do.
What does this mean? Do they still do Mexican divorces (as seen on TV)?
You are her husband. You said something. You are wrong.
See? You can understand that, can't you?
Frankly, no. She joked that I was going to take her into the botanical gardens to kill her and dump the body, I joked that it wouldn't be chivalrous to kill a woman.
After a long, twisting, and arduous series of emails, I think we got this whole weird scene sorted out from this a.m., finally, thank God.
This was the last point she made. At the risk of talking out of school (hah), I'd like to reproduce it here and solicit reactions, thoughts, queries, etc. I'm taking it at face-value but will "overthink" it to the extent that I'm interested in other peoples' evaluations/reactions.
I am committed to working on building a future with you as friends. That's as much as I can promise without being dishonest. If something more were to develop down the road, then I would not close the door on it. (It doesn't have to be marriage. I have had my fill of that institution.) But right now I don't see that happening and certainly not without separation.
BLAHHHH!!!! That sucks! If my wife divorces me I cannot be friends with her. It will be too painful. I have read some posts on here where there are those that remain friends. I could not. I would want to know nothing about my ex--not how her day is, her health, love life, nothing! I would have to be that way to survive. It would tear me up too much. I really, really hope your seperation works out better than mine has. Good luck kind sir!
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Yea me too. But she leaves the door open, slams it in your face and then cracks it again?!?!?!?!?
{{ (It doesn't have to be marriage. I have had my fill of that institution.) But right now I don't see that happening and certainly not without separation}}
Just when I think I understand women...
Me - 39 W - 39 D - 11 D - 8 S - 5 Served - 04/14/09 Temporary Court Orders - 04/27/09
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.
I'm sorry, SP. I don't know when to frame something as "script" versus "plain truth." Either way, her current stance sucks.
She'd rather commit to being alone with her TV and crush the kids rather than try to work it out with you first? Really?
I don't believe that she plans on being alone. You don't create this havoc for the *exciting* dream of sleeping alone in front of your TV and seeing your kids according to a schedule imposed by the courts. You don't do botox and work out like a fiend when you're at peace with living the rest of your years alone. When you've given up on marriage and are ready to be a Golden Girl, you start eating chocolate and drinking champagne. And you buy a Snuggie, not Neiman Marcus dresses.
Go sell crazy somewhere else.
She's trying to get you to go easy on her. She's trying to get you to look the other way.
Annoying. Disturbing. Frustrating.
Time to pull back again and DB your little butt off. Please do some GAL stuff, as much as you can considering your housedad situation.
BTW: You mentioned that everybody knows that she's cheating. They aren't looking at you like you're a fool. They probably have a whole lotta compassion for you. Don't worry about how you look or what people think. Just keep being a decent man and father.
I will offer this much of a defense, based on what I've read from the women on the boards -- particularly a certain almost-WAW: she's confused and scared. So I'm prepared to extend a good amount of slack there in terms of the roller-coaster, as irritating and frustrating as it can be.
(Personally her aside about the institution of marriage is of considerably less importance to me at this point. I'm not going to get spun up on parsing that. If she wanted a life-long committed relationship that was called "civil union" or "Fred," that would be fine by me. If Bob and Chuck get "married," I don't think it has any impact on my relationship, but that's me.)
What intrigues me is the explicit openness to the possibility of romance. Because that gives me, as both DB Coaches have pointed out in earlier discussions, an opening as I move through "Stage 2" (Friendship) towards "Stage 3" (Courtship).
But again that's getting ahead of where I'm at in the DB game.
Other reactions? Myself, I don't disagree with her assessment that (a) friendship is a necessary precondition and (b) separation would (possibly) facilitate that precondition -- both DB Coaches I've spoken with have essentially the same assessment.
Lucky - I hear you on the odd choice paradigm, alone vs. kids, and I concur with it.
Clearly I just have to take it as it comes -- there are simply too many moving pieces, too many bridges down the line, to worry about what I look like crossing the finish line.
But re: "go sell crazy" -- yeah, it's not the first time I've thought of that film in this process...
