Oops!!.......I think I've dropped the rope!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Actually, the spending on the OW's baby was more my doing, not that H put up a fight. But, we were making good money and I always like to do big gifts.......I of course see now that I was always trying to buy H's love and approval.....

And remember, we had known OW for years.....been to her wedding....been to her parents for Christmas parties, etc....

[Silent Chrleader]

Was supposed to be on the road to CA right now, but big S17 issues has resulted in him "going to live his life his way".....somewhere else.

So, now I am driving to CA by myself. This is a big 180 "growth" thing for me......and H sees it as such. I hate that it has come to this. I love my son with all my heart, but I can't keep giving him more and more "chances". He really needs to feel some consequences this time.

H got the truck all ready for me with the GPS and Satelite radio.....and has told D24 and fiance, who will be "holding down the fort" here at the apartment and the house, that if they need anything, don't hesitate to call him.

Things are happening at work that are annoying me. They are "cracking down" on time issues and such. You have to take your lunch and breaks at a certain time........no eating at your desk......no using your computer for "personal business" or "recreation"........no talking about personal matters with other employees.........it's so freakin' stuffy, it's stifling!! I've been with the company 10 years and they pay well, and I certainly can't afford to loose my job now, but I really hate this!!! I can't stand to be micro-managed. I am an adult and do my job quickly and accurately and take on "extra curricular" duties too on my own initiative! But, not anymore!

I also don't anticipate seeing J down in CA anymore. I sent him an e-mail saying that I am no longer willing to entertain relationships in my life where I feel like I am the "sole participant", but that I wished him well......

I am going to go to bed now and get up and get on the road at about 2am, so I can be at my neices house in Lemoore early tomorrow evening......I actually don't feel like going anymore, but I'll be darned if I'm going to sit at home on my vacation!! Although I could spend a lot of cuddly time with my GD! But, no......I think this will be a good experience for me.....on the road and only myself to please......very much a 180 for me.

[glamgirl]

Sorry SC that things are not turning out the way you planned. May vacation too didn't end up like I planned either. If you are passing through on your return and want to grab a bite to eat or coffee call me. I think you have my number on my signature on e-mail.

Be safe. Don't stop and use the restrooms at any rest stops they are NOT safe alone.

[naej]

Hi SC, I hope the drive goes well and vacation is happier than you are feeling right now.
Look for the positives and the little drops of happiness added together they make one big whole.

ps I also hope you have a strong bladder going by what Glam said because this seems like a v long drive.

Don't stop and use the restrooms at any rest stops they are NOT safe alone.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Y'all!

I am in CA at my oldest and dearest friends house. We're gettting ready to head out to lunch.

Found H tool OW to "dream house"......got upset at thata and shouldn't have said anything....but I did.....

S17 has taken some of my jewelry apparently including my wedding set......H said he will talk to him about it and see about getting it back.]

Had a fairly nice talk with H even about my job and interest in nursing school. He was fairly supportive but cautious. Still I felt it was a good conversation.

Also talked to him about the work he was supposed to do on house that D24, fiance and GD are moving into. He agreed that he will still do it.

Actually had fun driving myself. Stopped in Ashland Oregon and a 4 hour visit with my half sister (she is my dad's daughter from his first marriage. I have only met her a handful of times in my life and it's been 3 years since the last time, but we do mail occaisionally). It was a really nice visit!

Glam, will likely be going through your way Saturday evening....?? I'll call!!!

Onward and Upward.....

[dl443322]

Hey S, good for you driving alone. It sounds like you are having a good time reconnecting.

I am going to keep on you about saying things to your h. You are talking to a rock right now. He doesnt hear you and you are just spinning your wheels.

I wish I lived near some of you. I am all the way on the east side.

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Y'all. Just thought I'd post a small update.....

- Spent Sunday evening and Monday with my oldest and dearest friend (and her mom, my surrogate Mom growing up).....Found out friend's brother is LBS......will be talking to him soon hopefully. He is having a tough time. Plan to get him in touch with DB.

- My S18 is "out living his own life" and financing it apparently by having stolen more stuff, including some of my jewelry (including my wedding set!!). H talked to him and said he was repentent or willing to listen at all......but then S17 told H he "found" some of the stuff in a box in the woods behind the house......imagine that!.....it's a miracle!! {Still no ring.....}

- S18 did tell H that he thought his having a girlfriend even though we are still married was not right.......H didn't care and said basically "too bad".........I told H that his actions are what S learns from whether they we direct toward him or not. Like S learns how to be a father and husband and worker, etc.....from H. H said he knew that.........but obviously it doesn't matter to him. I'm trying not to care.

- Have had great talks with MIL. She says all H's brothers thinks H "needs to grown up"........MIL is full of good advice. She thinks that H will wake up and realize what he's doing eventually. She thinks H doesn't tell her about the girlfriend because he knows he's doing wrong........I'm not sure if I believe that. It just absolutely crushes me to think of him with her and taking her to the "dream house".

- And J is no longer a "friend" on my alternative page........let's just leave it at that.........

[[[[[[hugs to all]]]]]]

[sandycay]

.....but then S17 told H he "found" some of the stuff in a box in the woods behind the house......imagine that!.....it's a miracle!!

I don't know why but that cracked me up... I know it's not funny but it is. Take care and I'll talk to ya later! LOL it's a miracle! Well, h*ll you've been waiting on one!

[Silent Chrleader]

Update...

I'm at H's neice's house now. My MIL is going back home with me so she can see her new great grandbaby and her daughter (H's sister who only lives about a mile away from us.

I called H and told him she was coming and that I plan to take her up to the "dream house" next weekend, and he was welcome to join us if he could. I gave the phone to MIL and H told her that he usually sees his GF on Tuesday's after IC, but that he would perhaps forgo that and come and spend time with his mom then instead.......strange because he supposedly stopped IC......when I told H I was taking mom up to the dream house, he told me he probably wouldn't join us because he was up there last weekend (as I knew) and then he started telling me of a whole grunch of things he got done up there......so if the GF really was up there with him, either she's that "girl in a toolbelt" H has been dreaming of all his life, or she wasn't there after all, or he wasn't concerned about "quality time" with her......

And, I know.....what should I care? My MIL says I should get a boyfriend or at least look like it and if H ever "wakes up" to tell him forget it (at least at first). She says he's her son and she loves him, but she thinks I should make him "squirm" and "sweat it out"........if he ever has the guts to even admit he is wrong and want to try which I doubt.

I also spoke on the phone yesterday to my BIL and SIL. They are both very disgusted by H's behavior and told me that I will always be family to them. BIL said that he didn't hear about H's behavior at his sister's funeral in October (remember when I had the complete meltdown and got drunk when H wouldn't even really talk to me...?) Well, BIL said that apparently H's other sister went and absolutely balled H out for his behavior toward me and for H telling S17 to go help me instead of taking care of it himself. My BIL said if he had been there, he would have beat the he** out of H. This discussion with BIL meant a lot to me, because BIL was my brother's best friend all through High School, and was the best man at my brother's wedding (I was maid of honor). Also his wife (SIL) baby-sat me a few times when I was a young teenager and my folks went to Vegas for long weekends. I met H at BIL & SIL's wedding (the day after my 17th birthday).

BIL also spent some time with S18 a couple years ago when S came down to CA for the Summer. And apparently S called BIL last year just after the bomb and asked if he could come down and live with BIL (who had told him his door was always open). So, BIL has a real soft spot for S and is very concerned for his wellbeing.

So, I really have to get back to where I was a couple weeks ago. Detach Detach Detach! His "no baggage" GF can have him! I will be moving back into the house with D24, E & K. I am up in the air on how to handle things there though. H has said he will do the work that needs to be done, but MIL says I should say he has X amount of time to do it and then I am going to have someone else do it and send him the bill.....but I know H and that would really piss him off and he won't pay the bill! Also, if he comes over to do the work, that gives me the opportunity to show the 180s and PMA and GAL I'm working on........on the other hand, a DB coach told a friend of mine to not allow H over to do work because that is a privaledge that he has lost when he left.......I have no idea what to do!!!???

I'm also still up in the air over how to handly my job. They are getting so "sticky" on micro-managing and I just don't work well with that. And though the job pays well, I really don't enjoy it.......it's boring.....And after being there 10 years, I don't like their change in direction......I want a job that I feel like I am doing something worthwhile. But, going back to school is scary too.......

Gotta think........so much change......very scared......I know I just have to concentrate on me........that's so against my nature.

[Silent Chrleader]

Back in town.

Talked with MIL during the 24 hours of driving. She thinks I should drop everything, including kids, and just go on with my life and if H even comes back to say "No way, Jose."

D24 and fiance are over at house moving stuff in.

H called me.....wants to be the one to take MIL to "dream house". It's his mother. We ended up in another bad discussion. I asked him if he was going to take OW with him to take MIL to dream house. He said he wasn't going to, that it would be only him and MIL, but didn't like that I asked. I told him I hated asking too and that I get angry at myself, but that thought of him taking his OW and Mom up there to show her the dream house that we worked so hard on for the last 3 years building for "our future" just crushes me. I told H that I knew he was within his rights to do so and I couldn't stop him, but that I had asked him to not take her up there as a simple showing of sensitivity to my feelings in view of all our years together.

Talked with H too much. Not saying anything really new. So stupid. He told me he felt he did give our M everything he could. He doesn't like the person I am who on the spur of the moment offers to bring his mom home with me, or has pets in the house, or who wants to travel.......H's mom tells me to do exactly as I want to and to he** with what H wants......She never cleaned or cooked much and she thinks H will come back on his own when he sees that I don't give a darn about his opinions or need him in any way......I don't think I agree, but I do see the value of living "only for me" which is basically "detaching". She also thinks I should "date" or at least make H think I am dating......

H did mention the option of him supporting me through Nursing school in return for my agreement that the dream house be in his name (but I would have a legal contract for use of it whenever I want.....) Will have to talk to the bankruptcy lawyers about that one.....

Over-all, my vacation was OK. I totally went off my diet but didn't gain too much. The friends and family I saw all were supportive and encouraging and told me that I was a great person and would be OK and that H was being a jerk and would come around.........but I don't know really if I could even ever forgive him now.

The affair with the secretary was something that "just happened" and I could see how it could happen, but now.......this "girl friend" after he said she "just wants to be alone and doesn't have anything to a relationship" and then going with her.......I know that this is par for the course and so many of you on these boards have so very much worse and I am a complete wimp! But the idea of him just sitting on a couch with her, holding her hand, watching TV or something just absoluctely crushes me. This is now his free will.....not drinking or anything like that. H feels he waited until we were seperated (the affair with the secretary was only an EA before the seperation), so he has been "honorable". And H says that he has told some of his friends "all of it" and they understand and support his decision.

I know....all of you are thinking detach already!!! And you're right.......I am so tired and depressed right now. Nothing seems to work! My S18 is "gone" and hasn't called. I tried to call the numbers I have for his friends.....no luck. I have no idea where he is..... and really I need to leave him to be the one to call me. I don't want to go in to work tomorrow. I am lucky enough to have very good friends, and I know they are there for me. But, right now, the only thing I really feel I am living for is my grand-daughter. Although I have told D that she needs to ask me for babysitting and not just assume I am okay with it. I think it's very important that even though we will be living in the same house, they are their own family unit and they need to keep that sacred......

By the way, sorry, Glam for not calling as I went though your area on the drive home........it was after 9pm and MIL was with me.......but hopefully sandycay and I can maybe get up your way soon.....??