Confessions from a former cheater...

[MrBond]

"Talking is essential to communication, right? So without talking, you are in big trouble IMO."

I totally agree. The problem is that my W has never been much of a talker. I've had to do a fair share of mind reading over the 17 years of our R. She was just never taught how as her mom never opens up to her own emotions. Her sister even told me that their family really don't process and communicate emotions very well. So that part I'm used to and trying to get her to see the benefits of talking.

In terms of the physical intimacy, my W was never the touchy feely type and hasn't initiated sex in at least two years. I don't know if it was a hormonal change from her last pregnancy, but she just wasn't the type to get physical. She likes sex, but doesn't like to admit it. It's weird.

She also seems to still listen to what I tell her. Like she wanted a boob job very badly and I had told her I was supportive of it, but to be aware of the risks. She then changed her mind.

"I guess this sort of confuses me. You may not realize it, but you are still basically trying to "trick" her into loving you again or "getting in" somehow.
What reason do you want to get in?"

It's not really trying to "trick" her into loving me. It's looking for the right way to get through to her. For example, some people write love letters, some like to talk, etc. With each positive tipping point that seems to attract her back to the R, I try to see what reaches her. And I want to get "in" to go back to being in a M.

I do understand the idea of separating again, however it took all of my DB efforts to get back to this point where we are actually together and friendly. Originally I would say that she did it for the kids, but there's that something else there that tells me its not. I think her A shook her personal beliefs and home could very well represent some kind of stability.

As far as the A, I can never really be sure that it's over, but can go back into trusting her. She did return all of his things after I kicked her out and has had no real contact with him outside of work which is in a busy clinic.

My next step is to see if she'll go out to lunch with me alone. Then after that a movie together the following week. And then proceed to dinner the week after. If she's receptive to all that, I think things would work out but they have to be at her pace. It's like she's a stray dog that's wandered into my yard. I have to show that it's safe, secure and not make any sudden movements or she'll bolt.

I am getting the control back in our R. She does listen to me and is no longer confrontational and I also have no fear in our R any more. I do know how lack of control is a turn off.

I guess I'm looking for unique ideas as to what could "turn her on". Just suggestions that worked for you.