Stuck...I'm possibly going to be away from the boards for a few days, so I just wanted to comment real quick...with hopefully more to come later.
My sitch with my ex-h was apparently different than most people, in that I WANTED him to pursue me, and it was his lack of pursuit of me for our whole marriage that caused me to finally leave. When I did leave, I begged him to pursue me and date me. He claimed he would, but he never did. From what I read around here, this is abnormal and usually the WAS is not wanting to be pursued. I just want to make that clear so you don't confuse the two sitches...what would have worked on me apparently wouldn't work on most WAS's.
And the other difference in my sitch than many others, is that I ALWAYS want to talk. I will talk about R issues, good OR bad, at any time. I ALWAYS want to discuss what went right OR what when wrong. So when I hear a story like yours where one spouse simply refuses to talk, this is one I can barely relate to. Talking is essential to communication, right? So without talking, you are in big trouble IMO.
Now as to your Q's regarding intimacy...I fear that anything you try to do right now to re-establish sex with her will just run her off. I get what you are saying about having nothing to lose and everything to gain. But...it doesn't seem like she is going to see the point in re-establishing intimacy with a man she is barely communicating with. Her husband or not, she is giving you a very large message by refusing to talk to you. Yes of course she is "off" and is confused and we wish we could break through her barriers and convince her that she needs to open up to you again in order for anything to improve...but I still don't see where she has indicated at all that she is wanting anything to improve.
It sounds like the recent R discussions you had were good and were the beginning to possible future discussions...but after over a year of no physical intimacy and no actual communication, how is she expected to be open to it?
You said: "I can't make her fall in love with me. But if I make her aware of the blocks that she's putting up, maybe I can have her lower them enough to get in."
I guess this sort of confuses me. You may not realize it, but you are still basically trying to "trick" her into loving you again or "getting in" somehow.
What reason do you want to get in?
Maybe that is what I don't understand. Its one thing to try and save your marriage. Its totally something else to try and trick someone into letting their barriers down so you can "get in". Please don't be offended by this commment, I'm just doing some reflective listening to you and sending back to you your words from a different perspective so you can maybe see how she thinks you are coming across. No matter what you do, you will be seen as manipulative.
You did not address what I actually advised you in my first response, ie: asking her for a separation again and to begin moving on.
I am wondering, will you ONLY do this if she forces you to? Because if that is the case, then you are still not willing to take back control of the ship. This is not a challenge to you to ask for a separation, its just a challenge to you to challenge your OWN thinking about who has the control here. She obviously does, but do you see how that is a turn off to her?
