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What are some of the "discussions" that you have had with your partner where you, and they, do and say the exact same thing each time?
We tend to say and do the same exact thing each time we talk about our past. A whole lot of you said this but I don't remember that or you never did this but yeah it was because you did this! Lot of blame shifting and finger pointing.

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When are the times that your arguements seem like they're being read from a script, with the exact same scenario happening each time?
Usually we do our script reading when we talk about hurts from the past. The same hurts are revisited over and over, same things are said about them which puts us going in a circle that we can't break out of. We end up yelling when this happens as we become so intent on trying to make the other understand how badly we've been hurt.

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How do you think that they would answer this?
My S would say we always bring up the past in our conversations. We make a pact to not but we usually do when we get angry.

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Do any of the topic related triggers that Michele has listed sound familiar to you?
Yes, some of them usually set us off. My H usually gets upset at how I choose my parents over him or about my spending. While I get upset at his time with the guys and not enough with me and the kids.

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How about any of the "time related" triggers?
Not sure about time related triggers though. I'll have to start noticing when those happen. I kind of think while I'm PMSing would be a time trigger for me!!!

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What is a particular trigger situation for you that seems to happen on a regular basis?
The big trigger situation is when I don't find him at home some nights. I get real upset and I start grilling him!!! That pisses him off and he doesn't want to see me anymore.

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What do you think they would say if they were asked what it is that YOU do and say about this particular situation that drives them nuts?!
He would definitely say that he hates when I question him about things he is responsible for doing. Like feeding our kids, or taking them to school. Hates when I question his every move, like he's not a grown up or something. It drives him nuts when I don't believe when he says he's faithful or that he was the guys. He hates when I don't take him at his word.

Once I recognized these triggers, when they started happening in our conversations, I began to excuse myself to regroup. I then come back to the conversation and say 'you know, this is too much of us focusing on the past. We are here to start new and we got to let go of the past and go forward from here. I'm sorry for how I hurt you. We both agree our past together sucks, right? So lets get back to talking about how we want our marriage to be from this point on.' I find that when I say this it helps to get us back on track to getting our goals met. Sometimes when he wants to go on and on about the past despite my saying the above statement, it cools him down to have me validate. Then we get back to goal setting. Very helpful stuff here, JamesJohn. Keep it coming!