Spellfire #4 - Sparks, but no Flames

[spellfire]

And this week is more of the same....

I think that both you (above) and LuckGirl are right on with your thoughts that your wife is

(1) simply doing her once-a-week, service-the-husband, chore thing, and
(2) is entirely orgasm focused: get ME over with, then ask him to get himself over with.

Correct.

You've got to find a way to break this routine, and work on showing her how to enjoy the entire story, not just the climax.

Therein the challenge lies. She has already stated that sex is just a hassle. She isn't even interested in the climax, let alone the journey. If she is orgasm focused, it is because suddenly she started to feel it and/or she wants it to be done with asap.

As you've shown in your posts, you're pretty much Mr. Nice Guy in all the things that you do for her, around the house, even keeping her vehicle fueled up for her. That's all fine -- you're doing your best to meet her needs and make her feel loved via your "acts of service." I do much the same for my wife. Continuing to work on more non-sexual, affectionate touch in the relationship is also good, particularly in your case.

Acts of service are her primary love language. She has been telling me this for many years in various ways, but I fought her the entire time. Coming into the R I was not really a NG, and I am not in terms of my raw personality, but in this R I gradually allowed myself to become that. I think my W comes from a family of NGs and is used to men being a certain way. My FIL is classic. Like the book describes, the more I gave into her, the less she respected me. That dynamic is changing now, since I am reversing all the pandering to her demands that I fell into.

However, how much of a masculine, assertive, alpha-male does she get to see in you?

Initially in our R it was a lot. I was fiercely independent, traveling the world alone, depending only on myself and in control of my destiny. After I got married, we fought a lot. She wanted it all and for me to provide it. Over time I just got tired of all the fighting and started giving in. now she is seeing more of the old me.

I think you need to start bringing that man out more, particularly in the bedroom. In gradual steps, and watching how she responds closely, start taking charge in there and learn to TAKE what you want out of the encounter. In other words, stop waiting for her to 'give' you what you want --> begin to DEMAND it. You might be pleasantly surprised at how well she responds to this approach. I know that I was.

My dilemma was that if I "take her", I am still doing all the work. Now I see making demands is part of the taking. Thanks for that insight.

In my case, my wife had to sit me down and literally ask me to stop making her orgasm the -centerpiece- of the sexual encounter.

No such conversation here, since I am all about the journey already, and she is the one that is O-focused. I may have to sit her down?

With regard to her not touching you -- you really do need to find a way to correct that. Deliberately take her hand and place it on you, guiding her and showing her what feels good to you. Another idea, and this may be VERY embarassing at first, but on one or two of those nights when you aren't going to ML, let her hold you (snuggle with you) while you masturbate, with the lights on, and let her see what you do for yourself. Women *DO* enjoy looking at you, touching you, playing with you, and pleasuring you, once they've gotten over their initial "Nice Girls Don't" resistance factor and have some notion what to do and how you like it. Oral pleasures can come later, but for now, you need to get her to take you in hand (or two) and pleasure YOU some too.

Both W and I are not really the type to get embarrassed, so that's no problem. She doesn't have any "nice girl's don't" resistance either. She just has the attitude that she is not interested, and therefore I should be happy with whatever I manage to get.

Bottom line: START being The Man in the bedroom, start taking charge and giving directions there -- for YOUR pleasure -- and stop letting her get away with the "chore sex" routine. And don't forget to -communicate- and talk about it, as uncomfortable as that is at first: she may tell you to be "happy with what you're getting," but you know that you AREN'T happy, and WHY --> tell her. I do know that this is hard to do, especially in the beginning phases of SSM recovery, but as everyone here recently reminded me, as the man, --> I <-- have to take charge and lead that recovery, else it ain't gonna happen, particularly with a naturally LD wife.

Having just recently reconciled with my WAW, I must admit I am hesitating to push her too hard. From your post I realize communication is still our big issue. We don't discuss sex, I don't tell her what I want, and I certainly don't demand satisfaction. She thinks if I come, her job is done.

Thanks for the reply B, I appreciate you helping me along.

SF