Quote: What cheeseless tunnels do you keep going down?
Spying! Looking thru my H's mail! Calling so I can catch him NOT at home! Asking where he's been all the time!
Quote: What things do you keep doing that aren't producing positive results for you, but you keep doing them anyway, just because you KNOW that you're right?
Grilling my h on his whereabouts! Trying to 'force' my opinion on how to work on our M down my h's throat....not even bothering to ask what he wants to do or what he needs. Pushing for answers according to my timetable!
Quote: What things might you be doing to try to fix the problem, that may just be making things worse?
Not noticing the little changes my h is making because I'm too busy seeing how his changes aren't specifically what I asked for!!! Not showing appreciation for what he has done to change! Expecting him to be like me. Assuming and assuming some more because I KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING and THINKING!!!
Quote: What are some of the things that you are doing that may seem perfectly "logical" to do, but aren't producing "effective" results?
What seems logical, is to expect him to make all the changes since he's so wrong and I've done so much changing ; this way of thinking has proven uneffective because 1. my/our more of the same behaviors have not been recognized and dealt with so they continue to happen, 2. not being specific about what I want, being too general (weekly dates but who sets up, a certain night, is this for us, or should we have kids there, etc?)
Quote: What are some of your "more of the same" behaviors?
Assuming the reasons for his behaviors, reacting to his remarks in anger instead of taking time to think about what I'm going to say, being too open about what I'm doing, calling him all the time, interrupting him when he's talking, finishing his sentences, not validating his concerns.
I have totally stopped going down cheeseless tunnels for 1 month now!!! And he's noticed. It's been difficult though not asking what he's doing or who he's with but I do it. Lots of tongue chewing going on here .
I now notice that he is more willing to volunteer info on his whereabouts and friends too.
We have a date this Friday!! Going to do some stargazing and have a picnic. I'm looking forward to it .
This is some great news!! I've noticed that you've really been putting a push on getting the most out of this program lately, and it looks like your hard work is paying off! How wonderful for you!!
AND, for your H!!
It's great that you're noticing how the changes that you've been making are bringing about changes in him. That, my friend, is what this DB'ing stuff is all about! I have a strong feeling that you are soon going to find out how these small changes can take on a life of their own, and lead to bigger, and better things!
Best wishes for your date together!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Holy Moses!!!! He just called to ask that we start planning for our vacation during Spring Break. Good gravy. I can't believe it...is that a positive sign, or what?
Quote: What are some of the "discussions" that you have had with your partner where you, and they, do and say the exact same thing each time?
We tend to say and do the same exact thing each time we talk about our past. A whole lot of you said this but I don't remember that or you never did this but yeah it was because you did this! Lot of blame shifting and finger pointing.
Quote: When are the times that your arguements seem like they're being read from a script, with the exact same scenario happening each time?
Usually we do our script reading when we talk about hurts from the past. The same hurts are revisited over and over, same things are said about them which puts us going in a circle that we can't break out of. We end up yelling when this happens as we become so intent on trying to make the other understand how badly we've been hurt.
Quote: How do you think that they would answer this?
My S would say we always bring up the past in our conversations. We make a pact to not but we usually do when we get angry.
Quote: Do any of the topic related triggers that Michele has listed sound familiar to you?
Yes, some of them usually set us off. My H usually gets upset at how I choose my parents over him or about my spending. While I get upset at his time with the guys and not enough with me and the kids.
Quote: How about any of the "time related" triggers?
Not sure about time related triggers though. I'll have to start noticing when those happen. I kind of think while I'm PMSing would be a time trigger for me!!!
Quote: What is a particular trigger situation for you that seems to happen on a regular basis?
The big trigger situation is when I don't find him at home some nights. I get real upset and I start grilling him!!! That pisses him off and he doesn't want to see me anymore.
Quote: What do you think they would say if they were asked what it is that YOU do and say about this particular situation that drives them nuts?!
He would definitely say that he hates when I question him about things he is responsible for doing. Like feeding our kids, or taking them to school. Hates when I question his every move, like he's not a grown up or something. It drives him nuts when I don't believe when he says he's faithful or that he was the guys. He hates when I don't take him at his word.
Once I recognized these triggers, when they started happening in our conversations, I began to excuse myself to regroup. I then come back to the conversation and say 'you know, this is too much of us focusing on the past. We are here to start new and we got to let go of the past and go forward from here. I'm sorry for how I hurt you. We both agree our past together sucks, right? So lets get back to talking about how we want our marriage to be from this point on.' I find that when I say this it helps to get us back on track to getting our goals met. Sometimes when he wants to go on and on about the past despite my saying the above statement, it cools him down to have me validate. Then we get back to goal setting. Very helpful stuff here, JamesJohn. Keep it coming!
Whenever you are about to do anything about a situation that might have a direct effect in your relationship, ask yourself,
Quote: "Is what I'm about to do going to bring me closer or move me farther away from my goal?"
Don't give in to your "feelings", don't "react" to the situation, and do the same thing that you've always done. Don't pretend that your partner is FINALLY going to get what you're saying, just because you've said it enough times, and come around to seeing your point of view.
Do something different.
Change anything about what you're doing.
Setting up your goals is VERY, VERY, VERY important!!! If you haven't done so already, stop here, and go back and complete steps number 2 & 3. Know where you want to go in your relationship. You really can't skip this part, and expect to have good results.
Once you've done this, we can help you to find some ways to take actions that will help your goals to be realized!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
; this way of thinking has proven uneffective because 1. my/our more of the same behaviors have not been recognized and dealt with so they continue to happen, 2. not being specific about what I want, being too general (weekly dates but who sets up, a certain night, is this for us, or should we have kids there, etc?) 
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