What are you doing? Is this really the way you want to live the rest of your life? I am starting to think you enjoy some of this.
"He said to put everything down....all his missed visits, the fact that he doesn't ever ask for extra time even though he is not working, he doesn't check on her during the week, her coming home with flea bites. He even said to put in there the fact that he was charged with assault and battery years ago for hitting a pizza delivery guy. He got probabtion, but it shows his nature. He said he would look at my paperwork and tell me what to get rid of and what to exaggerate, then file on Tuesday."
I have been telling you all along to write it down.. you better have been. It should be easy to produce the list.
"I am terrified. But, I talked to my lawyer friend."
This may get you in "trouble". I can't say this any more clear than this... Get a L. Come hell or high water.. get one. Am I clear enough? The day you got "papers" this became a business transaction.. especially with him asking for 50/50. Don't you dare walk into that court room without one. This is just one of those things you need someone "fighting" for you. Not getting a L you are risking a lot. You need to do this.. and play hard ball. This is your first real chance to draw a line in the sand. Things are just not what they seem like here. If you use your "heart" in this.. I just don't have a good feeling about it. I can only imagine the postings that will come if he gets 50/50. All I can say is he is entitled to it.. but I also think he needs to work a bit harder for it. That sounds a lot like the rest of his life.. does it not?
"I told him that I couldn't believe that after everything he has done, he still wants to hurt me more. I told him that he has his family, leave what's left of mine alone. I said that he wants what he wants when he wants it and if he doesn't get it, he hurts you instead. I told him that K is all I have that he has taken enough from me. I also told him that I tried really hard to have a relationship with him over the last year and let go of my anger so that we could be good parents and work together for K. But, that I was done trying. That if he wanted to have any kind of relationship with me, he would have to be the one to make that happen."
This right here is why you can't do this alone. It is a normal reaction.. but.. something like this could lead a judge to "favor" him. The last thing you want a judge to see.. is you being desperate. They may think you are being vindictive.
I am trying so hard to ride this fine line and still get thru to you. But.. I am not really sure why. I just want you to use your head.. and let it lead some. Everything you are doing right now shows you are off balance(Emotional). This is OK.. and normal.. as long as it does not interfere with what you need to do.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
How are things today? Is the paperwork going to get filed?
I completely agree with FG. Find some way to get an attorney. He can talk for you and keep emotion out.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I am filing the paperwork today. The lawyer looked it over and fine tuned it. I have taken any emotion out of my declaration and anything that talks about "me". This is about K. I HAVE been logging everything, FG. Since day one, I have. I am trying to figure out some way to get the money to hire an attorney. I have one to help but the retainer is 3500 and I have no idea where I could even come up with that. My credit is shot, I have no assets, no savings and no family that can afford to help me. But, I'm still trying to figure something out. He has no intention of having her 50/50 he even said so to me. He just wants it on paper. This is how he is.....all about him. He just doesn't want to pay me any money.
The sh!t is gonna hit the fan tomorrow when he gets his copy of the paperwork....he won't be happy.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
I knew he wasn't going for 50/50 for more time with K. How sick a man would use his daughter for $$ sake!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
The sh!t is gonna hit the fan tomorrow when he gets his copy of the paperwork....he won't be happy.
Just keep in mind that these are the consequences of the choices he has made. So hes not happy...whats new about that? Just worry about what is best for you and K.
((((hugs))))
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I know. It just hurts to read it on paper. To see how he has been and know that it is going to hurt him that I am putting it out there for the world to see. As much as I hate him sometimes...I love him, too (even if I say I don't). I just keep reminding myself that I am doing this for K's benefit. I need to stop worrying about his feelings and if it hurts him. He certainly has not taken my feelings into account...not once.
I'm just sad that it came to this. I feel much much stronger than I did a year ago and I honestly feel like I am near the end of this crap. But, it makes me sad to lose some of the love I felt for him. He's family to me, whether I am to him, or not. I'm losing a part of myself, a part of my heart. No way around that. So, I need to prepare for him to be a bigger jerk than before. Now, I just want it to be done and settled (preferrably in my favor) so there is no more fighting over what is and what will be. We just go on with our own lives and I let go of him. He's already let go of me...long ago.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
FG - I'm sorry if I am failing at this. I am flying by the seat of my pants....juggling emotions, logic, money issues, anger, sorrow....it's a lot of crap to sort out. Please don't give up on me. I haven't given up on myself.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
"FG - I'm sorry if I am failing at this. I am flying by the seat of my pants....juggling emotions, logic, money issues, anger, sorrow....it's a lot of crap to sort out. Please don't give up on me. I haven't given up on myself."
You should know by now that I am going to talk "at" you. To a point I expect that things will not go as they are "written" out here. I know it is hard. I wish you were not flying by the seat of your pants right now.. but that is where you find yourself. I am not giving up on you. The best thing that could happen for me is to "see" you standing on "solid ground". I believe you really have a chance to do that here with this situation. I seem to remember when you went to court the first time for the CS.. and the judge put some things in place for you.. you seemed more stable. Then H was not making payments and missing time with K and things started sliding some.
"My credit is shot, I have no assets, no savings and no family that can afford to help me. But, I'm still trying to figure something out."
I understand times are hard. I am not a L but some states do allow for reimbursement of "court costs" related to D proceedings. The general thought there is even the D cost should be shared 50/50. Look around on the internet/phonebook/Churches for groups that support "single" mothers. Money can be found even if you have to repay it.. that would be better than not having "help".
"He has no intention of having her 50/50 he even said so to me."
You always ask for more than you want. If he has a L (assume he does) they would tell him ask for more. Even if there is a 1% chance that he could get it.. I would want some "help" covering that 1% chance. Remember.. Prepare for what's coming. Basic DB rule.
"He just doesn't want to pay me any money."
See my thoughts on the 1% chance they apply to this too.
Again.. I "see" this as a chance to "draw a line in the sand". I think it could benefit both you and your H. The last thing I want to see is you two in a "tit for tat" battle. I think in my mind it seems the better choice to get a L than for you to "fight" it alone. If he has a L.. well then it becomes a no brainer for me.. you gotta get one. The last thing you need to another person rolling over you. You get enough of that from your H.
I think you have a solid chance of coming out OK with the court.. even without a L. But I would be remiss to not recommend you get one. It is in your best interest to have one. Even if it cost twice the figure you threw out there.
I have been posting to you for a while now.. don't think I don't "see" the changes. You are doing great.. I just want you to do better.
Fair Enough?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Check with the lawyer you talked to. It may be possible to work out a payment schedule and might just be the best money you have spent so far. If you go at this alone and the judge makes a determination that is not what you want it to be, it is very hard to undo and will cost even more. Show him now you will fight him no matter the cost. He will think twice before he does it again. Also an attny can help you with the back child support he owes. Have you called the D. A. 's office yet to find out what you need to do to file a claim with them for a dead beat dad. Even unemployement can be garnished.
The back child support is in the original orders for child support so he's in arrears about $2400 at this point. He lied about paying me for November...which I pointed out. I knew that unemployment can be garnished...but, he isn't collecting any. Three months out of work and he says he's fighting them over a phone interview he didn't make and this is the reason they aren't giving him his unemployment. I know for a fact (don't ask me how) that he has not received a check from them. He has not collected any. But, I also know he is working under the table for one of OW's relatives occassionally and doing odd jobs for some of her friends. So, he IS getting money. Since he is having such a hard time with unemployment...it leads me to believe that he was fired...not laid off. But, it really doesn't matter does it? I have asked him just to buy her some food or formula since he hasn't given me anything. He has not done so (this is in the paperwork also).
I have not heard from him yet......maybe, I'll get lucky and I won't. But, I can't imagine he won't jump at the chance to call me some nasty names.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
