Actually...now I dig a little deeper, there is some resentment on my part. It is now not that she doesn't ML, but that it is just mercy sex. She is never really into it, and it's always "okay if we must", next "get it over with", and she never lays a hand on me (literally). It always is and has been me doing everything. I feel like she is a selfish lover, and that she sees it as "I am doing him a favor by letting him touch me".
And this week is more of the same....
I think that both you (above) and LuckGirl are right on with your thoughts that your wife is
(1) simply doing her once-a-week, service-the-husband, chore thing, and (2) is entirely orgasm focused: get ME over with, then ask him to get himself over with.
You've got to find a way to break this routine, and work on showing her how to enjoy the entire story, not just the climax.
As you've shown in your posts, you're pretty much Mr. Nice Guy in all the things that you do for her, around the house, even keeping her vehicle fueled up for her. That's all fine -- you're doing your best to meet her needs and make her feel loved via your "acts of service." I do much the same for my wife. Continuing to work on more non-sexual, affectionate touch in the relationship is also good, particularly in your case.
However, how much of a masculine, assertive, alpha-male does she get to see in you?
I think you need to start bringing that man out more, particularly in the bedroom. In gradual steps, and watching how she responds closely, start taking charge in there and learn to TAKE what you want out of the encounter. In other words, stop waiting for her to 'give' you what you want --> begin to DEMAND it. You might be pleasantly surprised at how well she responds to this approach. I know that I was.
In my case, my wife had to sit me down and literally ask me to stop making her orgasm the -centerpiece- of the sexual encounter. It was putting pressure on her, and makes for repetitive, boring sexual encounters. She set me free to follow my own meandering path of pleasuring her, having her pleasure me, pleasuring the both of us together, and learning to enjoy the JOURNEY as much as the destination. It's not an easy mind-set for a man to adopt. I'm so goal oriented that I -still- tend to focus on her O and my O and how they are going to be achieved...and in so doing, short change us both.
There are times when my wife simply wants to be 'ravished,' feel my passion for her, and doesn't want me to slow down and try to carry her along with me; although in those cases, we do sometimes do grab the vibrator afterwards -- which is highly effective for her -- and 'finish' her off so she isn't left entirely hanging. Even so, the -journey- is the fun part for her, the vibe-O is just a touch of dessert. There are other times, when I am deliberately slow and alternate between peaking her, then peaking me, then back to her, and so forth -- but even then, the O's are the END of the symphony, not the centerpiece of it.
With regard to her not touching you -- you really do need to find a way to correct that. Deliberately take her hand and place it on you, guiding her and showing her what feels good to you. Another idea, and this may be VERY embarassing at first, but on one or two of those nights when you aren't going to ML, let her hold you (snuggle with you) while you masturbate, with the lights on, and let her see what you do for yourself. Women *DO* enjoy looking at you, touching you, playing with you, and pleasuring you, once they've gotten over their initial "Nice Girls Don't" resistance factor and have some notion what to do and how you like it. Oral pleasures can come later, but for now, you need to get her to take you in hand (or two) and pleasure YOU some too.
Bottom line: START being The Man in the bedroom, start taking charge and giving directions there -- for YOUR pleasure -- and stop letting her get away with the "chore sex" routine. And don't forget to -communicate- and talk about it, as uncomfortable as that is at first: she may tell you to be "happy with what you're getting," but you know that you AREN'T happy, and WHY --> tell her. I do know that this is hard to do, especially in the beginning phases of SSM recovery, but as everyone here recently reminded me, as the man, --> I <-- have to take charge and lead that recovery, else it ain't gonna happen, particularly with a naturally LD wife.
Take care,
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
