I know exactly how you feel about the WTH should I keep putting up with this. I feel like that from time to time. But then I sit and think, and read what you write to me and it helps me to realize this is a fight, a fightis never easy. This is a test, perhaps to make you stronger for your W. She needs you, but doesn't realize it yet.
My H kept talking about how he Had to leave, yet he's still here. And I don't care what he says its not 100% b/c of the girls. Even if its 99% b/c of them, I still have that 1% of his heart.
I think when I had that D info printed up for him it took him by surprise, he was taken back by the fact that I looked up D info. The threat of D wasn't giving him 100% power anymore.
I took my ring off too. To hurt him in a way, one night after he said some really hurtfull things to me. But then one day while skimming thru threads on here I came across the topic of "should I wear my ring" and a post stood out to me. The woman said she kept it on b/c she and her H were in fact still Married. I almost cried. I ran home and dug my ring out and put it on. This was at 6:30pm. 8 pm that night as my H was leaving to the gym he was very excited abiut his new workout routine, and gave me a real heartfelt kiss. Perhaps it was a sign from God. Telling me not to give up. I think he keeps giving me lil' glimpses of hope so that I don't give up when I feel so frustrated and discouraged.
You feel the way you do about your W now b/c of all the emotions running thru you. Did you feel that way about her before the Bomb? You're not excited b/c you're weary of what's going to come next. What words will come out next. Will today be a huge fight. You have to get the whole "act as if" thing down. It helps tremendously.
You don't hang on her words anymore b/c 99% of what comes out her mouth is BS!!
Don't listen to her. LOL....
I helped put things into perspective for my H when I broke down what his living expenses would be, if he lives as a single man. Due to the one income he'd now be living on all of his bills would be doubled! Duh! But I think a light bulb went off in his head. Like damn, if I leave it won't be easier. It'll actually be harder.
But some people need to live through it to learn. My H is a numbers person, so it made him think. I don't know if that would work with your W, or she needs to experience it to truly see what it is to be single and have to do everything alone.
I think we should get some sleep LOL.
GN....I'll check on you in the AM. Dream good dreams. Try not to "think" before you go to bed.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
You know, I may just ditch my therapist in favor of you. I could kiss you right about now. Virtually of course.
You're right. It is BS. It is a series of tests. The hard part for me is that this is because she is broken. She's broken because she took on too much. She still is. It would be comical if it weren't so painful. It remains painful and I remain more and more scarred from it. The scar is getting thicker I think. But I'm still a survivor. I'm still here because I want my wife back.
I had lunch with my pastor a little while ago. He initially thought she wanted her freedom because we were lovers before we were friends. I corrected him. We were friends before lovers. Always. We dated for three years. We later agreed that this is her trying to get away. She doesn't feel she can get away from school. She doesn't feel she can get away from the kids. She feels that the only thing left that she can "control" is me. And damn me, I don't play along as her fantasy suggests I would. :0)
I think she's mad at me because I have a great relationship with my kids, which she wanted me to have, but now is jealous of and angry its not her. I realized early in this escapade that my relationship with the kids was hindered by her. Knowing that allows me to "fix" my issue with the kids. We get along great now that I know what I know. It pisses W off, although I think she's mad at herself and projecting it to me. Doesn't help though.
I've considered handing her the walking papers. Many times and I may still. Psych's call that the paradox technique. We here call it a 180. It relies on you being 100% sincere no matter what. My instinct says its not time for that. Yet. That may still come but I don't think we're there yet.
I have thought all along that she has been painting the scene to fit the crime. She is. She has told me, "..where we are now" as if the other issues didn't work so now...
It's a sickness.
I don't take my rings off. For the same reasons you listed. She does try to give glimpses of hope. But I think she does it subconsciously to be honest. I think she can't differentiate between reality and her fantasy at this point. Her fantasy is to get away from her stressors. She's realizing I'm not the cause of the stress. She hasn't yet realized that she is causing the stress and I'm the one getting the blame for it, "because I'm the safe one and the only one she has a say about" in her mind. Thanks to the school shrink for that one.
It's not 100% because of the kids. I know that too.
Our sits are so similar I'm almost hoping you'll write the next paragraph. I'll write the one after that if you will
Thanks 2ga. I appreciate that.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
MB, I think you're just at a gut check time. This is your chance to see if you have the guts to see through your commitment. I believe you do. I believe your confidence will return as you realize that. I also think you should listen to that post and check with a mental health worker though - just to be safe.
You are a strong woman MB. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
I take great pride in "knowing" you (virtually) and I take comfort and encouragement from the things you try to teach me. Please don't stop doing that.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
That's what caused my H to break down, he had too much responsibility and being the manly man that he is, he had too much pride to tell me it was really breaking him down.
I began working FT in April, which helped out tremendously w/ the load. I was always working PT before then. In Oct, the time of the bomb, the full effect of me helping him, by working FT hadn't really kicked in just yet, and we were having major problems.
Now, after a yr, it is finally "showing" and now is when things are getting a lil' better. He's starting to see he's not responsible for every lil' thing anymore, like he has been all of these yrs.
Yesterday I called him, on my lunch hr and asked him how he's doing, funds wise, over there in foreign country world, he said his funds were pretty low. I told him, you know what, I just put my check in, and the Obama stimulus thing kicked in so there's even a lil' extra in there, I told him to take money out and go have some fun, go have a nice dinner or whatever he wanted, on me, no worries. He sounded relieved. He said Ok, cool.
Well....Last night when I spoke to him (he called me) he was going out w/ his dad and brother to eat and have some drinks, and listen to some music... w/o stress, money wasn't an issue.
Every lil' nice gesture counts. But it has to be done selflessly, w/ no expectations at all.
I can write your next paragraph when he comes home, for now I can update you on what is going on long distance wise.
Oh one thing...back in Dec, right after the bomb, when he'd be going somewhere and I'd ask, he'd tell me not to worry, that we're not together so I shouldn't ask (then when he'd get home he'd spill the beans) ...Well last night he gave me a complete rundown of what his evening was going to entail, w/o me asking a single question. That's a huge turn around from Dec w/ his lil' nasty attitude.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
Mine asked me out on a date Saturday night. She also wants to talk to me about what she discussed with the MC. I shudder when I hear that. I don't know what she said, but I can guess it was that she wants to move out and remain friends with benefits.
<sigh> I can't do that. Break if you must, but I can't be in that kind of relationship with my "wife". It would kill me to see her in the arms of another man. It really would. If we weren't married I'd have to get over it, right?
Anyway, it was odd. Tonight I made her favorite (we had the steaks anyway) Steak Oscar. I'm good
We'll see. I'm very very tired. I can't trust her. So I don't, but I suspect it shows in the way we interact.
I can't change it at this point. I'm not on eggshells anymore. If she wants to go away, I encourage it. I mean it.
Now she makes it a point to say goodnight. She makes excuses to talk to me via text or email. She is trying to connect and I'm in panic mode because I think she still wants to leave.
<sigh> I need to get my wits back about me. This is ridiculous. Well, ridiculous is an elephant flying a plane with his big round hands, but that's a different story
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I know how you feel, I'm suspicious of the new affection also. I keep wondering is he buttering me up for the big farewell. I'm afraid of his behavior when he returns b/c the last time he got back was when he decided he wanted a D.
Their moodswings are rediculous. Enjoy your date out with your W, but just be expectant of a moodswing in the days after. It may not come, but prepare yourself just in case.
I'm expecting one by next wk, when the depression sets in and my H is mopey b/c vacation time is over. It may not come, but I'm not letting my guard down.
I will "act as if", but I'll be waiting LOL.
So.... where are you going for your date?
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
Thanks 2gba. You and I are on the same page. We need to rewrite some of it though I'm not sure what the words should be just yet.
She seems to have already hit the mood swing. A tad early if you ask me, but this morning she had a hard time staying in the same room with me. Made an excuse to get out of the room early.
She wants to go to her new favorite place. How she found it, I have no idea. I actually hurt thinking how she found it, but I can't let that kind of thinking invade my head.
It's a strange ride on the crazy train. Choo choo
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
