John: The title of your post really jumped out at me...and I think you have all your answers in how you identified what you're feeling - a phase...Like so many others here, I've gone through that same phase - which for me started, very unexpectedly, after I moved into my own apartment in March. I've since gotten over that feeling of anger - but it took a bit of work - mostly in realizing that the anger wasn't just there because of my STBX - but also because of me...
For me, anger and fear serve as these kind of sign posts that let me know that there's something underlying my responses to things that I haven't yet addressed. Right now, I've got my former landlords basically stealing from me through insane deductions from my security deposit - and while I was briefly angry with the landlord on the phone...I've not had anger at all when thinking about how to deal with it - rather, I've found a calm kind of determination that has made it very easy to put together a case for small claims court...okay...TMI...but I'm just trying to say that anger is informative - and while feeling it is necessary, understanding where it's coming from or what it's obfuscating can help turn that anger into opportunity...for instance, you have a chance to teach your daughter something about how adults who disagree with one another can still interact respectfully.
Anger is really a secondary feeling. And I believe it mostly will not do you a lot of good. It usually is a reaction that stems from hurt, injustice or fear. So its important to try to pin point that root cause and if its real/valid learn to cope with it before you get angry. Errant, selfish, hostile spouses, often with psychological or character flaws can easily do or say things that ignite our anger. Often simply recalling what they have done could ignite our anger. I found myself getting furious at the beginning learning of the high-handed D filing, OM, disrespect in front of the kids, irresponsibility, etc. and these things are very hard to cope with, but becoming angry does not help our cause. They will say, "see, that's why I left ...".
Anger certainly cannot help us think things through rationally. The last thing you want is for anger to consume your thoughts. I've found the best thing for me when I am angry is to take it out on the heavy bag or go to the batting cages. Get the anger out quickly and then focus on technique. Many boxers have tried to get their opponents angry before a fight because they know that when their opponent is angry that he will fight stupidly.
Hey guys, thanks for your input on anger. I may have overstated that a little....which I have a tendanvy to do. Hurt and injustice may be fuelling "it". More resentment than anger...it is like I am fighting to grow that resentment in order to move forward. how is that for some introspection? Anyhow, we have since spoken about the money / house issue on the phone and things have been clarified. I think I will setup my bike on the excercise roller and sweat out some of that resentment....maybe watch italy beat ireland in a soccer world cup qualifier will raise my spirits.
It's not that i latch on with the favourites...it's just that I could not name you one single soccer player from the Canadian team or one hockey player from the Italian hockey team.
Allow yourself to go w/the anger. Embrace it and let it run its course. It is natural to go through as you have been the one doing all the work to save your M, so you have naturally built up some resentments.
There is also the part of resenting the actions of XW which caused you to lose your M, time w/your D and now your house. It is natural to feel, but be sure to find a way to displace the anger instead of the intended target of XW. She has no right to your feelings anymore and thus, you shouldn't let her inside to take a look around.
However, I do understand why you would want to apologize, as I've wanted to do the same thing myself. The problem is if you apologize, XW won't process it as she should. If she continues to have discussions w/you about her remorse, then you can say, "I'm sorry it happened too b/c it wasn't what I wanted at all" (or something of the like), but you don't owe her an apology.
Selling the house is tough and the market makes it even tougher. I wish you very well in getting a fair price that is good for you out of any sale.
Well, i finally met someone who will help fade the feelings that continue to linger. I felt it today. I met her and then had palm Sunday lunch at my sister's with my family. i am not going out to pick an engagemnet ring but I now know the feeling that some others have felt where another person has helped to detach. Anyhow..nice, classy, good looking, smart lady.....just what the doctor ordered. Spent some quality time with D8 as well. I get the feeling that she really looks froward to her weeknds. On the home front, XW found out that she will not be able (afford) to buy me out (no kidding batman)... she sounded dissapointed that she will eventually have to move out when the house is sold. Too bad her boyfriend can not help out financially even though he drives a big BMW (I am sure she has asked or will.....) Anyhow, the exchange was much smoother this week as I made it a point to not make the same mistakes as last week (D8 was happy that I got out of the car and made some small talk....and oh yes...i looked pretty nice becasue i was still wearing my dating clothes .... i received quite a few compliments today. D8 wants to spend the 4 day weekend with me (and her grandparents) next week. Someone is in for a rude awakening...I sense the tide has turned...the momentum has shifted.....
I am new to this forum but a interested in the anger issue. Brief rundown 1. I had an EA 5 yrs ago 2. H in and out of home as he tried to come to terms with it. I stopped it immediatelty upon getting caught and fought a dam good battle to save M 3. Mid 2008 H leaves home and announces OW to one and all. Sees no wrong in this as he has left family home 4. H did many cruel things over next 6 months to myself and our children with lies and lies and more lies. 5. He stopped communication or spending time with kids.
I never got angry. I remained silent and no contact. Sort of buried my head. Then he violated our family home with this woman and i got lawyered up. Never showed anger to H when was forced to work with him. Then once my ducks were all lned up , I let him have it. Both legally and verbally. I am sooooo angry some days I cant sit still.
This is my problem. I need to reign it in. I seem to of lost control. how do I regain the composure and silence I once had. It seems like this anger just spews out of me. Advice please
