Swimming upstream...PH #7

[pearlharbr]

Kenn, thanks for your thoughtful post. Thought I should move it back here for my response.

I may get beat up here but I am a firm believer that when someone strays (only once that is) it is a reflection on ourself as much as on them and we need to realize that we weren't giving something.

I know that I contributed greatly to the situation, but I have a hard time thinking that a 4-5 month affair, including a month of living together, as a one time thing.

Are you at a point that you think you have a good idea where you can improve the relationship? Are you convinced that he has a good idea what he needs to do to improve the realtionship? Are you both committed to putting in the effort to make it work?

I know what I need to do to improve myself and the R. I have been working on myself, although I'm not done yet. I think xBF has some idea of what he needs to do but I don't think he has identified everything he did to contribute to the problems. The big stuff (lack of communication), yes, but the little stuff that adds up, no.

Make a list of all the great qualities this person offers and all the bad qualities he offers. Then make the same list for the next person you are going to date. Then put down the odds you think this person will do it to you again. How remorseful is he that he did this and hurt you? Then put down the odds that that future person will stray on you (that's estimated to be 60% of guys do it)

What you should end up with if you are even considering this is one person that has lots of qualities that you love and confident he will not do it again because you have corrected the problems and he is better suited to tell you there is a problme before it reaches an affair AND another fictional person that is a complete crap shoot who has a 60% chance of an affair because they haven't gone through the leaning curve. (this one may be better or may be worse).

This is a great idea. I will sit down and give this exercise some time and consideration. I don't know if I can be objective about it at this point. I don't know if xBF will cheat again and this is my big hangup. Right now I feel like I would have a better chance starting over fresh with someone new because I don't automatically assume that person will cheat

You are young! If you gave it a year to see if the work can be done to make your realtionship better and be back with the person you choose the first time isn't it worth the shot? I say year because I would think that is about the time it takes to put everything behind you and get to a great realtionship. Of course you'll know before if you are on the right track or if things aren't getting any better

Wow, a year sounds like a really long time! I have said before I have a serious lack of patience. I'll have to take things one day at a time, but I don't see myself slogging through this for more than 4-6 months if I don't see serious progress.

If you feel secure he won't hurt you again and his good qualities outweigh the bad. I support you trying, just know that it will be your turn to say no thanks if it isn't working.

And that's exactly my sticking point. I don't feel at all secure that he won't hurt me again. And right now I can't see his good qualities outweighing the bad. The only thing I see working for us is the shared history. Is that enough? I'm not sure.