LOL.. I don't know about awesome. I feel like I'm doing alright most of the times, but I still have some times that seem really difficult emotionally. I realize it's all part of the process but it doesn't make it any easier.
Journaling:
Yesterday I got a call late in the afternoon from my W. She said she was picking up our D from daycare and wanted to take her to the local park because it was so nice out. She asked if I wanted to pick up our S and then meet her over there. I told her sure, it would be fun. So we all met at the park and the kids played - of course my W and I got pulled up into the kids stuff and were sliding down the slides with our kids. It was alot of fun.
My W then suggested we take the kids to Dairy Queen afterwards for some hotdogs and ice cream. I thought it would be a fun thing to do. Before we were about to leave my S started acting up and hit my W so she said she was taking him home. I stayed at the park with my D then took her over to DQ and we ate there.
Then we went home. When we got there my W and S were outside washing her car. She said the two of them went and returned empty cans at the distributor and they wanted to wash the cars. After they finished her car we switched the cars around and my W washed mine while I took the kids inside for a bath. She told my S she needed the exercise because she has to lose 20 lbs by mid July - she has a 20 year HS reunion.
My W told me she went to see a child psychologist (or therapist) that she used to go to for IC. He works alot with kids and she asked him about the visitation we were setting up where I get them two overnights during the week (Wed and Thur nights). He said he thought it was a good idea and wouldn't have a negative impact on them at their ages.
He also told my W that if we could do it, it is good to go out to dinner and do things together (the four of us) and it would help the kids understand even though mom and dad aren't in love or married we can still be friends.
Then she said, "He also told me something - and I told him I wasn't going to tell you because you would probably want to do it." When she said it I knew what she was going to say. She said, "Some people turn the basement into an apartment and the kids go up and down.
Some of them even have significant others living with them with this arrangement." I laughed. I told her I thought about that two weeks ago but didn't say anything. I told her it would make it easier on everyone economically but I don't know how you would isolate the kids with either parent. She said the therapist told her that people often do this because of financial reasons.
She was actually very pleasant and much more friendly yesterday than she has been in a while. So that was a nice change.
We put our kids to bed and I went out food shopping. When I got home I put all the stuff away and went upstairs. My W came in to use the bathroom and we chatted about a few things then she went to bed. When I went downstairs I noticed she had been drinking beer and was throwing the empties outside into the recycle bin - this is unusual because she normally leaves them on the counter. So I figure she was doing it so I didn't see them. She drank 4 beers last night.
This morning I got up earlier than I have been so my W could get into the shower earlier so she doesn't feel rushed in the morning. She asked me yesterday if I could do that.
When I left for work this morning I took the paper she typed up with the information we discussed last weekend about an agreement. There were a few things in there which were new to me and some stuff missing. So I called her from work and talked about it. She still had the standard child support payment in there and we had discussed using receipts so we pay only what is used on the kids. She said she forgot to update the stuff with the new things we talked about. I said I just wanted to clarify if you left it out because you didn't want to consider it. I told her I would talk to my lawyer about it and see how other people do it and if it's even feasible.
She said we should find out as much from our L as possible so we don't waste our time trying to reinvent the wheel. I told her that there are so many different options and so many people have done these things in all different ways that the L's must know so many diffferent ways to handle it. I also told her I would check about options for the house - keep my name on the deed, her buy me out, hold the house till kids are 18 etc...
We got off the phone and she called me later on while I was driving to a meeting. She told me she set up a doctors appt for both our kids at 4:30 because they were both complaining their ears hurt. I told her I would swing by after the L and stop there if they were still at the doctors office. Then she chatted up a storm about a few different things.
Based on what she said she is still intending on us doing certain things together (the four of us) in the future. I don't know. I guess I'll cros that bridge if I come to it.
Part of me just wants to completely let go, and part of me is thinking "Hmmm....how do I get her to fall back in love with me?" So that stuff goes back and forth a bit - but not a whole lot.
The funny thing is this - as this has gone on I have seen I side of her that I find very unattractive. It's stuff I've seen over the course of our R, but as I've stepped back some it stands out like a sore thumb. It often has me thinking if she is even the right woman for me. (I've posted similar stuff recently) I feel like I can't even answer that question at this point. But I still feel torn about what's going on.
I know I can't predict the future but it doesn't always stop me from wondering.
I try to keep my focus here - I'm going to continue improving myself and build myself a nice life. There are alot of things I want to do and many of them are first time things that I've thought about but never done. I am going to continue to make myself a confident, strong but gentle man - it that attracts my W back to me then so be it, if it doesn't then so be that. But if it's not her I know it will attract someone else.
But either way I still become a better person - so that's a win for me.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Living in the basement..............huh...............nope don't like it at all. Could not imagine my W and her new H living in the basement while I live uptairs with women coming in and out all the time.
Not how I see being D that is for sure.
Everything sounds really good Ken despite the D proceedings. As long as you keep the focus on you and not her everything will work out for you. It may not be what you exactly want or invisioned for yourself but you will be happy in the end.
lol Tim. It's just ideas that come across the table. I'm not too keen on living in the same house as her...But to tell you the truth, it's alot easier to consider at this point then it would have been just two months ago.
And the way I figure it, a few more months and I'll be staring at a blank sheet of paper when I look at her. Hopefully
Everything is ok. Some days alot better than others. I'm still working on keeping my head in the Now, and not drifting forward (projection - total waste of time) or back (past is dead).
The ups and downs of the cycles are getting smaller and smaller. It's really the down cycles that I'm interested in making smaller and further between. But that is happening and should continue to happen as time goes on.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Went to see my L yesterday after work. I always leave there feeling more confused than when I go in. He told me I should shoot for 50/50 with the kids. I was talking to my W about 60/40 but he said I should go with 50/50. He's going to type up some kind of offer and let me read it before he sends it out. We'll see what happens.
Last night my W came into my room and asked me if I talked to the lawyer about some of the things her and I had discussed. Of course as we went into the conversation she started in with me.
She brought up how I was out of work for 5 months and I didn't look for a job the way she thought I should have. Then she started in about how I 'terrorized' her last year (the begging and pleading stage) and of course, she re-wrote all of it. It started last April and she's now insisiting it started before then - lol. She tried to throw me out of the house on April 6 08 and that's when I lost it. It wasn't before. She also said last year she wanted to go to the hotel on her birthday (Her birthday is this weekend) because I was keeping her up and driving her crazy.
I told her this wasn't true and that I didn't start that cr@p until she tried to throw me out. And when she said last year she wanted to go to the hotel, she said it was because I was working with her dad and my only days off were Mon and Wed and she had to take care of the kids all by herself - she never got a break and never got to sleep in at all. So now she's re-written the reason she wanted to go to the hotel overnight last year.
Another thing she brought up was my biploar which got diagnosed last July. She actually said that it's part of the reason she doesn't want to be married. She said a therapist she was seeing last year told her that all bets are off with the 'for better or worse' when there's mental illness involved. I kind of laughed and said, "Yeah maybe if it's untreated. But I'm under treatment and have been fine." Then I said it's like an alcoholic who won't stop drinking - then fine, reason to leave. But an alcoholic who quits drinking and straightens himself up is a different story. I know, I know - trying to rationalize with an irrational person. (Slam away)
The problem I'm having is that the conv. threw me for a bit of a loop. For some reason her re-writing the past bothers me and she has changed it all up so that she now expresses it as if I was a lunatic terrorizing her. I have to get to the root of why her validation and her opinion mean something to me - and why I allow it to throw me off.
I know some 2x4's may be coming, but I want to write my true feelings and thoughts because it is where I'm at - for the moment.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Steady, Have you read "The Way of the Superior Man" ? It has a chapter describing exactly what you are talking about with the job hunt issue. I would tell you what is says but my copy is at home. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I picked up my S after school and we went home. The kids and I played outside while my W cooked dinner. The four of us ate out in the backyard and my W actually made me a plate of dinner and brought it outside for me.
After dinner my W gave the kids baths while I cleaned up outside. After their baths I put our D to bed and my W put our S to bed. I told my W to leave the tub cleanup and the kitchen cleanup for me - told her not to worry about it and I'll take care of it. So I spent a little while cleaning everything up. Then I went upstairs to my room.
My W came in to get ready for bed then she sat down on the bed for about 20 minutes watching the show I had on. Then she went to bed. We talked and we laughed about different things yesterday. Everything has been pretty calm and pleasant for a while now.
Tomorrow is my W's birthday. She is going to a wake this afternoon and then she's meeting up with her friends from work to go out to dinner and a concert in Manhattan. Then she is going to stay a local hotel overnight. She's going to spend tomorrow at the hotel and stay overnight again and won't be home until Sunday.
She originally was going to come home after the concert but she won't be getting home until around 2am so she decided to just spend the extra night at the hotel. She had told me a few weeks ago that she was going to spend her birthday night at the hotel. She did it last year also. It's right when the first bomb was dropped. Last year we were having M problems and when she told me she was going to stay at the hotel overnight I asked her if she was having an affair. That's what started the ball rolling for the bomb.
We were talking yesterday afternoon about how she was going to get back really late from the concert and I jokingly said Sat morning is going to be rough getting up with the kids - implying it was her turn to get up with them. Then she said, "What at the hotel?" Then I said no here at home. Then she told me she planned on staying there Fri night also. She said she thought she told me. She also said I don't want you to think I was trying to hide it from you, I just thought I told you. Then she asked if I was mad. I told her I wasn't, just that I wish she had told me before. Then I said it doesn't really make a difference so go have fun. She said she was planning to just relax on Sat and stay in her pajamas all day - and rent some movies to watch. She also brought a bunch of 'spa' stuff she has and her nail kit etc...
I know some will comment about possiblity of OP but I don't think so. And I also figure if that's what she is doing it doesn't change anything anyway so it's none of my concern.
So that's the update.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Friday night I stopped at my brothers house with the kids after school and we had dinner there. I took them home and put them to bed and I just hung out. My W took a 2 hour train ride in the morning to go to an afternoon wake for a friend she went to school with. Then she took a train into Manhattan to go out to dinner and see a concert with 7 of her friends from work and she went straight to the hotel (local hotel about 10 min away) afterwards. She called me around 6pm to let me know she got to the city ok - she said she didn't want me to worry about her. We actually talked for about 20 minutes as she was walking uptown to the restaurant she was meeting her friends at.
Sat I woke up with the kids and we lounged around for a while. I did 6 loads of laundry and cleaned up around the house. My W called me around 11am to say hello. We talked for a while then I put the kids on the phone and we sang happy birthday.
My sister came up with her husband and two girls. They got to my house around 4pm and we went over to my brothers house to eat and have a birthday party for my D. I dropped the kids off and went out to pick up the food and a birthday cake. I also picked up two birthday cards from me and the kids and got her a cordless mini-mouse for her laptop.
The party was alot of fun. The kids had a great time hanging out with their cousins and playing. They didn't want to leave. We ended up leaving around 10:30 and I took them home. They were overtired so they had a hard time falling asleep - I put them in my bed with me till they nodded off.
Sun I got up with the kids and made them breakfast in bed. They sat in my bed watching TV and ate. My W came home around 11:30 and said she had missed her lawyers appt on Sat because she fell asleep at the hotel around 1pm and didn't wake up until 6pm. I took the kids outside and played and my W joined us. Then I made them lunch and they ate outside. We played outside for the rest of the day and I vacuumed out my car and cleaned up the dash board with armor-all. Then I did my W's car. She came outside and saw her car all clean and thanked me.
We played outside till around 6pm and we ate dinner. My W drank a bottle of red wine and a Mikes Hard Lemonade in about 3 hours (4pm-7pm : Masciarelli Italian Dry Red Wine).
After dinner I pulled out the ice cream cake that was left over from Sat's party and we threw some candles on it and sang Happy Birthday to my W. Then she opened up her cards and her present. I told her the mouse was from the kids - then she said, "Thank you. I know this was your idea to pick it up and I wanted to say thanks."
While I was getting the kids ready for bed my W decided to change right in front of me. She was topless, put her shirt on, then changed her pants into pajamas. She hadn't done this in a few weeks.
The kids were in her room with her after that and she called me in to see what they were doing - they were assembling a clothes rack that had been sitting in her closet and it was funny because my S was telling my D what to do as they put it together. My S also helped my W hook the mouse up to her laptop.
My W was on facebook and she told me a girl from HS had sent her a friends request - She said, "She's [censored] up and I don't want to talk with her." I said, "She's messed up." Then my W looked over and our kids were about 4 feet away. (She had complained that I cursed in front of the kids a few months ago and here she was doing it). I showed her how to block the girl with security settings.
We then put the kids to bed and my W went into her room. I watched a movie then went to sleep.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
I know some will comment about possiblity of OP but I don't think so. And I also figure if that's what she is doing it doesn't change anything anyway so it's none of my concern.
How sad. One word to describe you is NAIVE. How can you continue to be so naive?
It DOES change things, but if you want to believe differently then so be it.
You are ENABLING her.
Very sad to watch you continue to go through this and be so naive about affairs and women. She will never respect or love you back as long as you keep allowing her to pull the wool over you eyes so easily and refuse to get some backbone. What you have been doing for so long is NOT working. Please admit it and try something new and different.
