WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 6

[MrBond]

Overall good conversation at diffusing her.

Although, seriously, by now you should have an agreement in place already for when she moves out. The more you avoid it, the more pissed off she's going to get and the harder it's going to be to get back together. She's going to resent it. I would suggest going with the 50/50 like I explained above. This is not her "demand mode" as she has asked you for a few weeks already what you want to do. Choose something then move on.

Again, don't push the C. If she wants to go fine, if not, then up to her. You already said it was up to her and not for just you. No sense beating her over the head about it.

"She said that not an hour goes by that something doesn't hurt her again. Even when I do something that she sees as a change, she's frustrated as she wished I had listened to hear back when she cared. She said that she felt her words meant nothing."

When this gets brought up again, validate, then finish with, "and that's all in the past. It's something that I've gotten over and you will too."

"She then said that she feels I've changed but doesn't think I fully understand how human relationships really work. She did feel that I was trying to understand and work on that. I acknowledged and validated and said I felt I could learn a lot from her."

Tell her that she doesn't understand how relationships work either and at least you are the one doing the reading and researching to change. But what has she done? Really nothing. So don't worry about this point. YOU understand how relationships work better than she does. Everyone acknowledges that except for her.

"She said that she thinks that being away will give her the time and space to heal."

At some point, you're going to have to address to her all her other issues aside from yours. The stuff about her father and her past all add up to who she is right now. She has to go over that too while she's gone. I actually told my W that what she thought was her getting space, was actually running away from the problem. I think she saw that when I told her. It don't think you ever told your W that.

Good job at hopefully holding things off. We'll see what happens tomorrow!

[PMA_Baby!]

I agree w Stuck. Nice job w the convo. Adding the part about being in the past and learning from OUR mistakes is great. Also, great job on validating especially the part about ducking responsibility. Like Stuck said though, this needs to be a 180 for you. Figure out the custody (Don't use the word custody anymore it's too confrontational; use parenting time). or she won't be able to feel free. This part is very difficult. She needs to be accountable for her actions, but you still need to help relieve some of the burden. Figure out what works and stick to it.

Nice job overall. I definitely saw progress.

No more R convo's though. The next convo should be you telling her that I agree w your "parenting time" proposal. Just say I think our parenting time schedule should be blank - How's that sound? Then validate her answer.

Keep it up. You're on your way. B

[song]

I told her of a website my DB coach suggested to dissuade WAW's that children will be fine. I put it in the context that someone suggested to look at it for custody arrangements.

Could you post a link to that?

[spellfire]

Just checking in CIPA. Looks like you are really getting the hang of this.

I tend to agree that the custody agreement is quite a sticking point. Maybe just accepting the 50/50 thing is the fairest option for everyone. I know at first I said stick to the boundary of keeping the kids in the home, but perhaps this is one thing that is good to compromise on.

Keep up the good work.

[confusedinpa]

My preference, outside of all of us staying together and working on the marriage, is for one of us to keep the kids in one house and the other parent can take them for visitation

She said that she doesn't like that option as she would not want to be the one taking them just for visits but would not have to deal with them after they come back from a visit

So it seems like she's really not interested in coming to a compromise. It needs to be one of her choices.

I do agree that she's getting frustrated/mad about this. I know this isn't helping, but I feel this would offer the most stability for the kids

I am going to have to make a very tough decision...

I appreciate all the support

[confusedinpa]

No more R convo's though. The next convo should be you telling her that I agree w your "parenting time" proposal. Just say I think our parenting time schedule should be blank - How's that sound? Then validate her answer.

Keep it up. You're on your way. B

I guess this is where I'm going to really show my density (I'll brace for the 2x4)

Where did it go astray in bring up the relationship? Isn't the parenting agreement defining a part of the relationship? Or are you talking about talking about working on the relationship?

[MrBond]

"So it seems like she's really not interested in coming to a compromise. It needs to be one of her choices."

No YOU are the one not willing to compromise.

She gave you several options while you have only given her one. Take the advice of us who have actually been already separated. Do the 50/50 thing. Things will work out.

Loosen up on this and you will be showing her compassion. Look, in the long run do you want to save your M or not? Give a little to get a lot.

[confusedinpa]

Not sure where I only gave 1 option

I offered

1 - Stay married and build a relationship we can both be happy

2 - Kids stay in house, we each alternate time in house with kids

3 - I keep kids, she can take for visitation 4 times/week, they sleep in family home everyday

4 - She keep kids, I take for visitation 4 times/week, they sleep at her place everyday

I just didn't want the kids to have to move

[MrBond]

CIPA,

In all of your choices, you designate one place of residence. That's where it's all different. It's either all at one place or no place at all. That's where it comes off as the same choice. While it may seem good to you on paper, it comes across as the same thing packaged different ways.

You need to re-read the posts of what she wants. She wants to have her space and that includes having the children when she wants them at her home when scheduled. You'll think that she's being selfish and that she's just pawning the kids off to you when it's convenient, but it's not. At least not in your case. Your W genuinely cares for you and the kids but needs some time to "find" herself. That means having the kids at a place that SHE feels comfortable with. And right now she can't handle them full time at her place because she won't have the space she's been craving.

Trust me. The days she doesn't have the kids, she'll miss them like you wouldn't believe. She'll see their toys at her place and she'll get that tug of nostalgia every time.

It doesn't matter where the kids sleep. They will be happy wherever their parent is and they will adapt. You can even call it a sleep over. That's what I did. But they never forgot where their real home was.

Give her the 50/50 as a show of good faith. In the end you want your M right? Then compromise to show you understand her. To understand how compassionate you've become.

[confusedinpa]

Guess an important point is do I want to be debating this for the next 2 weeks or enjoying my time