SP, Are you still going to have a dialouge with your W? One caveat to keep in mind when you get emotional or confused on what to do next, just ask will this help me reach my goal if you are uncertain just remain silent. Since your W is a QT then really being engaged with her is important. She wants to know she matters. You letting her in your life and sharing with her are important. This ties in with the WOA. Here is your plan to "lovingingly detach." You let her know you understand how you hurt her, that you are taking responsibility for it and that you are working on bettering yourself. Let her know you will support her to do whatever she needs while you are still married. Let her talk, validate and don't get defensive. Your goal is to get back to the friendship stage, talking and spending time together. Your W craves this. Listen to what the women are telling you here, their insight will be invaluable to you. Lastly - no expectations and expect a pullback if you get close to her. The gap between reality and expectation is filled with frustration. The Stockdale Paradox helped me cope with that. Frustration is also a form of anger which is counterproductive. Patience, loving action and self-growth. You can handle it. Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Here is your plan to "lovingingly detach." You let her know you understand how you hurt her, that you are taking responsibility for it and that you are working on bettering yourself. Let her know you will support her to do whatever she needs while you are still married. Let her talk, validate and don't get defensive. Your goal is to get back to the friendship stage, talking and spending time together. Your W craves this. .... Lastly - no expectations and expect a pullback if you get close to her.
Coach -- excellent advice. The same advice my DB Coach gave me 3 weeks ago, and it's been the plan I've been following.
This confrontation thing is newly stuck in my head, because it's just getting so blatant and I know that people I know, know (that's a lot of "knows," I know).
So where's the line? Where's the line between being affirmative and lovingly detached and being made a fool of in the eyes of people who know you?
So where's the line? Where's the line between being affirmative and lovingly detached and being made a fool of in the eyes of people who know you?
There is no line. You are affirmitive and loving because it's the right thing to do. Snake on the brain --- worrying about what other people think. How much control do you have over that? That is a co-dependent tendency, lot's of us here are guilty of that. This is where the "Strength and Honor" mantra kicks in. Press on, keep fighting for what you believe in. When I was totally beat up, I would hit my chest with my fist and say out loud, "I can handle it." I knew nobody else could do it for me. I had lots of help here but the work was all mine. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I get the idea. But when a colleague looks at me with that pitying look, and I know that s/he is aware of my W's affair, is that a response to a picture of strength and honor? Or is it, "Oh, you poor sap."
is that a response to a picture of strength and honor? Or is it, "Oh, you poor sap."
I think you answered your own question. Rx- PMA
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I considered it long and hard - and still consider it from time to time.
Since I know the OM, I wanted to ask him to meet me somewhere (for a beer, or a coffee, etc) and just say "WTF Dude? What are you thinking?" - or something similar but probably more polite.
I decided not to. Since I don't know what would happen and what it would cause, I decided to do nothing.
He does work out at the same gym, and I have seen him avoiding me...
His biggest fear is that I will come up with proof and expose him to his wife. I'll just let that sit there as an open threat.
So my advice -- as good as it sounds -- don't do it.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
He does work out at the same gym, and I have seen him avoiding me...
His biggest fear is that I will come up with proof and expose him to his wife. I'll just let that sit there as an open threat.
You SHOULD expose him to his wife! Why -- out of the 4 people involved -- should she be the only one NOT to know? Why shouldn't she be able to make the same decisions that she needs to make for HER family, as you are getting to thoughtfully contemplate for YOURS?
An affair has legal, financial, emotional -- even medical (just check out today's development from MarriedCrazy) -- implications on a family. A betrayed spouse has an absolute moral right to know, and I believe that you have a moral obligation to tell her.
So THAT'S where you developed that great Celine Dion impersonation, Coach . . .
Oh, I got a thousand of them. Elvis, Plant, Sinatra, The Boss, Bono, Daltrey, Streisand, Eddie Vedder, Sting, Van Morrison, Jagger, Rico Suave, Dr John, the list goes on. If only they would bring back the Gong Show.
"Celine Dion" sounds like a prescription salad dressing.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
An affair has legal, financial, emotional -- even medical (just check out today's development from MarriedCrazy) -- implications on a family.
So given those implications, the OP *should* be confronted as long as OP is M.
But those same implications are insufficient grounds for confronting OP -- perhaps to undermine the excitement associated with the secrecy -- if OP is single?
SO the legal, financial, emotional, and medical implications only matter in the case of OP's spouse?
