Mark, I'm not from Pro from Dover here, so disregard everything I think, but since talk (type) is cheap, here it is -- don't give up.
That's what everyone tells me over at my place.
And the other thing it took a couple wacks across the skull to get visibility on -- DB'ing is not about reconciliation. It is about self-renewal. Self-renewal is a necessary pre-condition to reconciliation.
On the dark business, I asked my DB Coach about this, and she agreed that it is not a good strategy for those of us like you and me who were "dark" in the marriage. So forget about that lot.
The only way to give her unconditional love and respect is to do it. Not to DB-her into reconciliation. Because that's a condition, isn't it?
I was never one for self-help books, but there being no atheists in foxholes -- and on this I will cite no less an authority than the grouchiest old most Heathen-centric, CofE-hating, former Para I know who, when caught in a cross-fire in Londonderry in Days of Yore, found himself much to his surprise Lord's Praying his arse off -- I've been reading my fair share of them. Most I find pretty obvious, but I have to admit I'm rather keen on this Five Love Languages Men's Edition by Gary Chapman ....
.. sorry, I popped off a bit there. Just checked on Amazon UK and it's available at 7 pounds 99 -- http://tinyurl.com/cv9nxm ...
...anyway, I'm keen on this 5LL book. It was, to use a much-overused term, an eye-opener. I understood -- actually understood, as opposed to simply agreeing with the text -- how I'd gone wrong.
Have a look at it. And don't give up. How about we make a trans-Atlantic bargain? If you don't give up, I won't give up, and we'll be DB mates? What do you say?
I hope you are well and thanks for responding. My 6 year old son is becoming really affected by the arguments, it has now got to a point where he thinks we are going to row even when we come within 10 feet of each other. The thing he says is "daddy, please don't argue with mummy", and the trauma that causes to me is so intense and upsetting. My wife thinks I am using him to get sympathy for me as I am always cuddling him when I can and my daughter as I have no-one to cuddle except my children. As much as I agree with you all in regard to moving out, I cannot have this pressure applied to the children. As puppy mentioned in a previous post, my wife is using the children when we are arguing as tool to get me to back down. The latest one is the marital bed, I have slept in there for a week now, she complains her having to sleep in my sons bedroom and says we should take turns. She states "if you truly love me, would a MAN allow his wife to sleep in her sons bedroom, we should take turns". I cannot work out what is attempting to do, but it is either a test or she is so confused she does not know what she is saying.
I have to have some space as well, she says being apart will not make one bit of difference to our relationship. I have to give my children some peace and serenity as the atmosphere in the house is unbearable. I know I should not be doing this but I am pushing her further away as stated in my previous post. Are there any strategies I can use during
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
It's good to here from you. I want to give her uncoditional love and respect without looking weak and pandering to her every whim. She says when we seperate she only wants to talk to me in regards to the children, which is pretty damning. I will not give up but I am as far away as I can be at the moment, I just need to work out the best away ahead for our relationship. I know time is everything, but I want to utilise my time with GAL'ing, PMA and quality time with the children and trying to work on the relationship.
It's a deal on us not giving up. let's make it a team effort.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I hope you are well and thanks for responding. My 6 year old son is becoming really affected by the arguments, it has now got to a point where he thinks we are going to row even when we come within 10 feet of each other. The thing he says is "daddy, please don't argue with mummy", and the trauma that causes to me is so intense and upsetting. My wife thinks I am using him to get sympathy for me as I am always cuddling him when I can and my daughter as I have no-one to cuddle except my children. As much as I agree with you all in regard to moving out, I cannot have this pressure applied to the children. As puppy mentioned in a previous post, my wife is using the children when we are arguing as tool to get me to back down. The latest one is the marital bed, I have slept in there for a week now, she complains her having to sleep in my sons bedroom and says we should take turns. She states "if you truly love me, would a MAN allow his wife to sleep in her sons bedroom, we should take turns". I cannot work out what is attempting to do, but it is either a test or she is so confused she does not know what she is saying.
I have to have some space as well, she says being apart will not make one bit of difference to our relationship. I have to give my children some peace and serenity as the atmosphere in the house is unbearable. I know I should not be doing this but I am pushing her further away as stated in my previous post. Are there any strategies I can use during our seperation?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
It's the hardest thing to do, and I'm still learning it...but you absolutely have to give her the space and time that she asks for. Respect her request to only communicate with her in regards to the kids. Look at it this way..."I'm going to honor and cherish and respect her by giving her the space and time that she needs." Do it out of love. Buckle in for a long ride.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Corinthians 13:7
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
You know the opinion of everyone on here about you moving out. We pretty much all see it as a bad idea. When you say that your wife is telling you to look for rental accommodation when you move back in to your house, it sounds to me as though you are still letting her push you around. Don't keep letting her dictate how this is going to go. You have a say in your life, your home, and the lives of your children. Stand up and make yourself heard. She requires unconditional love and respect? Damn it man, you need to demand the same thing from her! You are not a doormat.
My DB coach told me to act happy but distant from my wife during my separation. I wasn't to try and make small talk or ask her anything about what she's up to. It's very important to be strong with this one. You can't do it sometimes and not other times. It has to be consistent. You also can't offer any information about what you're up to. If she asks, be vague. You still have to act positive and upbeat though. Play with the kids in front of her when you pick them up. Throw them around a bit and make them laugh. She has to see you doing this. Act as though you couldn't care less about what she's doing but are still happy anyway. I noticed a quick change in my wife when I did all this. More and more she started asking about my life and what I'd been up to. Everything I told her was happy and made it sound to her as though I was having a great time. Obviously you can't go dark but you also can't be there for her all the time since she wants out of this marriage. She needs to experience the consequences of her actions. Just make sure you're a fun, happy dad. That's all you need to be concentrating on right now. You have to put everything in to it though. No half-arsed attempts here.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
I will definately take your advice on board, that will be the strategy I will use during our seperation. Kev, in your opinion has it brought you closer to your wife as I know for a fact me being under the same roof as my wife has driven us even more apart. Shortly after the bomb was dropped we still spoke about attending parties together, even going on family holidays together. We used to kiss goodnight, but now because of our rows and my failure with consistent DR'ing we have got further apart. She has also found out I was playing golf when I said I was working, so she now classes me as a liar and she cannot trust me. It is not as if I was seeing somebody else, or drinking with my friends, but she has taken this lying very badly.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
