Need Help handling affair thats still going on

[25yearsmlc]

KJ,

Read your posts from start to now...couple of questions. What's with the "nervous breakdown" you say he had, and now he's in a "major depressive disorder"?

Gee, sounds SICK to me. Seriously. So you need to protect yourself but stop pushiing and pressuring. In the MLC world, IF THAT IS WHAT THIS IS...your time line is like a butterfly's. I mean, 3 months? One month since the "breakdown" which means what exactly? Did he start weeping uncontrollably, try to harm himself or what? And by the way, IF SO, he may not get the kids so often and btw, that MAY be safer for now. I am not being punitive and I highly recommend against it, but if your h actually fits the criteria (and I don't know how you are using the critieria as I'm a L married to a Dr and think of these as very specific dx) for "major dep episode" let alone a "nervous breakdown"....WOW...

What are you doing to GAL? Why haven't YOU separated the money "Just for now while you are living separately"? What poss advantage does giving him access to the joint funds have? That money is also your daughters. How do you feel about your h buying OW's kids gifts? Yeah, I didn't think you'd like that much. The $800 table she bought him is interesting. IF she remarried she won't get alimony (and neither will he if your state allows for it) and I cannot imagine him having a "blast" with her kids.IF IF IF it comes to that and they start mingling, don't imagine happy family time 24/7.... Every time he sees her with her kids and tries to play "Step dad" he'll have a knot in his stomach that he may NEVER discuss with you, but it will be there. Your d's will feel replaced so you need to encourage his R's with them and act as if he'll be a part time dad b/c he needs to start seeing just how comfortable and happy he is with his sitch. HER kids will feel the same, and Oh, as for your h now realizing that he was "always miserable all those years" hey, he's in the wrong field. He should be in Hollywood b/c that means ALL those laughs, memories, holding the baby girls, reading to them in bed, ML, the travel and trips, the late night talks, the hugs, the hiking or other things you enjoyed doing, the house, the plans, the friendships with others and the vacations HE WAS ACTING THE WHOLE TIME!! OMG GIVE THAT MAN AN OSCAR!!!


Please....he's looking at you and the past, through the nutty eyes of a (BEST CASE SCENARIO--whacked out MLCer so screwy right now he can't tell his T the truth about things, much less plan out a life for himself or his family but he feels like a failure at home and at work so the only place he isn't a loser right now is with OW.....Your h has some serious crap that has not made him the best H in the world either. Truth be told, when you are not reeling so much, you'll see that SOME parts of your m were NOT so great for you. And that your needs have not been met for some time now.

I suspect part of this is that he is at an age where he realizes he is probably all he will ever be in life and this was in fact, a very depressing realization. He can barely support himself? Yikes, that hurts for a man. For many people and especially men, depression often ends up being turned outward as anger. A Russian author said that "when men feel Guilt, they attack" and I think she has a point. But it probably goes to guilt ridden women too. (Also read that depression sometimes is a lack of direction or purpose)

If a man isn't rich or very successful at his job by now, he probably won't ever be. If he had a passion or avocation (wanted to open a club someday, or play pro ball?) he now knows for sure -he'll never be famous so why bother picking up a ball? And the club? Oh, somehow he or "they" did not make it happen. How are his looks? Fading some of course..."yep, this is it...and isn't there supposed to be more?"

This existential angst is what we ALL go through but most of us either change our lives or learn to accept what we have and to be content with it. Not "miserably settling for mediocrity" but learning to be grateful and realizing the real journey here is an inward one, and gratitude is appropriate b/c in the grand scheme of things, we have it damn good. Your h has to figure this out for himself. As I said to BegMind, (I think), it's as if your h is trying to do a crossword puzzle of life and you are standing over his shoulders wondering what letter he'll put in next and pointing out the diff ones or sighing when he won't pick the word you wanted...LEAVE him alone and back off. I don't want to defend him. But he DOES have to figure this out for himself. You're slowing him down.

See, we do NOT know if your h will come back or HOW to MAKE him do that. We don't know. What we DO know, is a lot of things that seem to push almost ALL WAS's farther away...and we def know what does not help YOU in the long run.

Stop obsessing about OW...she's got 2kids...OMG yeah, sure, good luck H!! Sorry you were down, but now that you live in squalor with someone else's kids half the time and your kids half time and each set of kids has to adapt to a step parent they do NOT like or want to like and each of you gets to learn new "co parenting" skills....yeah I bet he's gonna be super "happy" and so will she...

Your job is to let him discover all this himself so he can realistically see that he was in fact often happy with you and the kids and more importantly, COULD BE again, GOING FORWARD....so don't push him somewhere else with nagging questions or being in his face with your need for "friendship & honesty". Come on KJ, you don't want to be friends with him. You want him to wake up and dump her and run back to you.. And as for honesty, since you know there is an A going on now, what else is there to know? Do you want details? Come on, I think not...not now at least and if it were me, (which it is not) I would NOT want details.

IF, IF IF the dream that he comes back can happen ever, it'll be after the A runs its' course and you GAL and are seen as an attractive appealing woman who MAY be open to friendship, based on civility to each other in the coming months or years as Co-parents, and THEN b/c you have children together...you'll see each other and the time lapse is GOOD b/c the changes are more dramatic. People don't notice change when they see you every day. How can your h miss you much if he sees you at lunch? Let him FEEL the feel of coming home to an empty house...

He has an inner voice somewhere in him that is screaming not to do this and to think of you or his girls. When you shut it out, with your parental voice "Why are you doing this" How can you do this? What are you feeling NOW?" or your voice of need, "Be honest with me even though it'll make me crazy and also be my friend as I define it even though you are leaving me and I would never do that to you".....b/c KJ, you are essentially attacking his choices or questioning his judement (or sniveling up to him hoping for scraps of concern from him which will mean what?....he really does love you!!....and therefore ---"if that"...just STOP IT!! b/c you are shutting down his own inner voice again.

Maybe it's the voice of God, or your h's conscience or whatever. But the pressure and the letters to him, and the therapists with you in the hall.....yi yi yi...back OFF...GAL and be upbeat in front of him for a reason...not a tactic to get him back, or b/c you are on eggshells...but bc you are now GAL, and maybe starting small, like thinking of the chick flicks you'll watch and the toilet seat being down and the financial security that comes from NOT worrying about an emotionally disturbed man who thinks the M was "the problem", not him, having access to the house hold funds...

For now, part of GAL means to note the little positives and I do mean it when I say chick flicks or whatever little things you and or the girls like doing that h was not a big part of. I recall renting some with my d's and making popcorn and watching "our" movies and getting into American Idol and voting madly and not having that tension around, waiting for the other shoe to drop, reading into everything, and eventually sighing with the relief when he'd leave. And being at peace, knowing that we'd ALL be just fine with or without this man AND so will you and your girls.

Put your girls first for now. Your job is to show them that they can survive this and that the pain they feel, like YOURS, is not fatal and not eternal. They are watching you to know how to react to life when their hearts are broken or life hands them a set back. You are modelling this for them now. They are watching you more than you know. They need to know you will NEVER leave them, and that they are safe and going to be fine no matter where their dad sleeps (or with whom). Please make sure they know they are YOUR Priority and their happiness will be the basis of YOUR Choices from now on. I told that to my then 9 y/o and she was so comforted by this. Really relieved her.

Is there any way you can NOT come home for lunch (of course) and he can work elsewhere? This is crazy. I would NOT want him around right now. You need time and space to detach and for him to notice the 180's b/c seeing each other every day prevents that big time, plus he cannot miss what he has... Maybe the bigger apartment would enable him to work from THERE and learn to live on his own...and sure, it MIGHT lead them to spend more time together but you know, that just speeds the R along its way that much faster.

Given what your h's other problems are, OW is really a bandaid and sooo not relevant...let that "R" run its pathetic course and say nothing that will draw them closer and prolong it anymore than necessary. He's already partly embarrassed by it and that is also why I don't much favor telling the world about it. People figure it out and if you are the messenger it poisons the well against you, draws THEM closer, and makes you look vindictive. Since kids can figure it out IF it comes to that, which I doubt it will, you'll look so much better for not having said anything. Frankly, I think the A or R or whatever you want to label it as, will last less than most. A year at the most but more likely months. Can you handle that?

Now...go protect yourself. When my h was peaking in his Alaskan mania, and I filed for a sep to protect the house he got MAD...okay he did NOT suddenly "wake up" at all....not til much later and for other reasons....but recently, like 2 years afterwards...he said, "good thing WE didn't mortgage the house to invest up there"....

You know why I was a saint that day? B/C I did not say "YOU MEAN, THANK GOD I STOPPED YOU??"

He knew...it took him a minute to process his words and he looked at me and I said, "yeah, good thing". And he stood up and hugged me for a long time. What's to say? Oh, "I was right!"? Of course not. We're on this site to be happy, not "right". Remember that.

So the last thing I'd tell you is that at some point (and hey, this IS new for you so cut yourself some slack but know he is confused too) you'll have to let go of the idea that he'll ever see the past the way you do, but he WILL see it more objectively if you don't fuel TODAY's interactions w/ negatives...make sense?

Don't argue with a man who just had a "breakdown" is now on meds and has a clinical diagnosis. that's like me arguing with this plate of food...LIFE IS SHORT and your h ain't well right now. Once when my h said something SOOO out there and sooo self serving, I actually did say to him, "just so I know, you are kidding, right?" And he said "NO" but he never said it again...sometimes it helps to gently prod the craziness out of them but you have to be so subtle.

(( j ))

Good luck, hang in there, it DOES get better but see a L soon. Why on earth not? You don't have to file or tell your h..just meet with one...think of your d's and then ask yourself if you are putting them first when you hide from seeing a L? Just b/c it hurts you with its' symbolism, does not make it a bad idea. It'll probably empower you as the L explains that your worst nightmares are not the end of the world if they ALL come true, and chances are very good they won't.

j-