At the time, I was trying to flip things around on her by proposing that I got an apartment instead of her. She took me up on it and said I was 'taking the high road'. I can convince myself that now that part of me didn't want her out there in an apartment where she could easily carry on her A without consequence; or that it would be safer for me (as a man) to locate an apartment or roommate situation; or that since I was partially to blame by getting stuck in my stay-at-home rut that it would be good for me as well.
I tried the flip again later by asking for a divorce when I realized that she was rather controlling in our marriage and that I had lost my assertiveness - routinely submitting to her opinion and choices for travel, house, food, etc. This, of course, she blames on me, too - being 'controlling' for the same reasons. Go figure.
Anyway, the recent news I've heard is that she has booked a vacation this summer with her boyfriend, but apparently her BF is still living with his ex-fiance. HAH!
Today, I cleared out my home office in a near final stage of moving out of the house. I still own things there, of course, but my specific presence is now gone.
The crazier sh*t she seems to pull the easier it gets for me to distance myself.
While the R with the OM may fall apart someday, she appears to have created this fantasy expectation of what it will be like once they are finally able to be together. Sounds to me like a recipe for disaster, especially since I'm getting a life now and getting better at it with each passing week.
Not sure if there is a way to accelerate the SCRIPT of a WAS attempting, or waiting for, an EA to come to fruition, but it would make an interesting lust novel to write. :-)
H40 (me) W34 (WAW) S6 T11 M10
Feb09: Need a break bomb Mar09: I moved to apartment to GAL, PMA, NMMNG Apr09: WAW 'dating' OM at work, positive around me lately.
I'm not sure why you would want to encourage that type of behavior! Just to speed up its demise? Or is it just to get her pre-occupied so that she leaves you alone?
If so, you wouldn't have any guarantees. I'll be darned if I would ever push my W towards another man.
Enlighten me if I'm off base here.
Her R with the OM began shadily; not only has she wrecked your M; but she's wrecked his before it even began. These types of R, statistically, never last.
My attempts at reverse psychology do have some significant risks, yes. Perhaps I'm attempting to ascert some control when feelng a lack of it.
Perhaps I should just play it safe/nice, and hope for the best, but the appeal of taking back control of my own life continues to grow, regardless of what chaos she creates for herself.
H40 (me) W34 (WAW) S6 T11 M10
Feb09: Need a break bomb Mar09: I moved to apartment to GAL, PMA, NMMNG Apr09: WAW 'dating' OM at work, positive around me lately.
OM: So, a thought I've had recently is to call the OM and tell him to back off from my W. But, I was thinking that would certainly alienate W even further as I would be 'controlling' and she would be even more determined to seek this alternate fantasy life to spite me, or in spite of me.
I write my thought here probably to let the idea go so that I don't act on it.
What is the DBing thing to do when your WAW is waiting for a fantasy OM (WAH) to become available for her to start seriously dating?
I expect that their R would burn out as quickly as it started, and I'd rather not burn my bridges. I'm also thinking that once it all plays out, IF she were to show regret plus show interest in returning, I would probably be in a whole new position for me and may not be interested in her any longer. (Given what I've read here that it may take months if not years to play out, wouldn't the damage to my S6 already be mostly done? -- meaning I wouldn't have the 'family' reason to consider making it work again.)
It's crazy some of the stuff I hear from her friends about how she is absolutely lusting after this movie-star good looking guy who is not really even available yet, but shows interest in her. I just don't know who my W is right now - it's like watching someone on drugs for weeks and weeks.
Son: My son is starting to act out at school a bit. I'm wondering if I should seek individual counseling for S6, not to mention for myself for discovery of any issues I may have that I'm not aware of or addressing yet, such as communication skills or control issues - if I really do as W has suggested. I don't want to be in denial and I want to work on me, regardless of what W decides to do to fix the rest of her life. I'm sure my W would freak if she found out I took my S6 to an IC.
Currently, W and I are separated. W is impatiently waiting for OM to separate from his brand-new W so they can start their fantasy life dating. I'm not sure if OM's W is aware of the reason (EA). For moral conscience reasons, I was considering notifying the OM's W anonymously, so that she can make her own choices with a bit of awareness (not details) and perhaps (selfishly) it might disrupt the EA, but then someone here made a comment that seemed to fit: "You can't make the relationship end....it has to happen on its own. Especially in a situation were your wife has implied that she felt you are "controlling". Remember she is addicted to the NRE and like any other addiction...it won't stop until she wants it too."
Since my W has mentioned 'controlling', I didn't know how to address that (or discover if it was true), but just started reading "No more Mr. Nice Guy" after hearing about it on this board and finding some close similarities and interesting growth opportunities for me.
I'm wondering if I am not showing enough backbone? After only 6 weeks of this (Stage 1 negative emotion reduction - according to my DB coach), how standoffish or assertive should I be about EA and general discussions with W about S6, finances, etc. W is calm and collected around me, i.e. not throwing EA in my face, but freely talks bad about me to her well-meaning friend (in a similar position I believe).
H40 (me) W34 (WAW) S6 T11 M10
Feb09: Need a break bomb Mar09: I moved to apartment to GAL, PMA, NMMNG Apr09: WAW 'dating' OM at work, positive around me lately.
I have to comment to you on the whole 'contacting OM or OMW' idea.
I suspected my W of having an EA....she later admitted it. So, I emailed OM a blank email, nothing on it. I heard from W that it scared the crap out of him. Didnt want to risk his marriage and she told me they ended their friendship. Well, that has apparently rekindled and I'm dealing with a lot of crap now. She was really mad at me for contacting him.
So, my suggestion is to contact a friend of the wife. Let her break the news. She needs to know why you are doing this and you have to have absolute proof so that your W doesnt blame you. I think OM W needs to know. Putting OM in the middle of a big lie will make things very difficult for him.
I know how you feel on being talked badly upon. Its the worst feeling. But, you need to know that its not true. She is just trying to justify her feelings, as crazy as they are. In her mind she will make him look like the greatest thing ever and you a chump, therefore, it helps her remove the guilt.
