UPDATE: The weekend was interesting. I'm sad to say she still wants to leave. She seems to think that will help somehow although when asked she is not sure how. We had a great time. Lots of conversation, friendly to each other. Caring towards the end of it.
Last night we had sex for the first time in months. Before hand she wanted me to say that I'm going to date her when she moves out and come over for sex. <sigh> As a guy, what do you say to that? As her husband I was devastated, but kept my cool.
This morning she texts me that to have a good morning and thanks for the weekend.
I'm sad, but for the first time she mentioned that she is broken. I see that as progress. I see that as the paramount need. Even if I have to fall on my sword, she needs to heal. I'm hopeful that she will realize we won't be friends if she leaves and that may help to change her mind. She mentioned that she doesn't know what she'll get out of leaving. She's willing to take the risk, she says. She says that she can't let her hair down around me so she needs to leave. She needs to be the one to leave because she now knows I won't.
Anyway, as others have mentioned, believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. It just hurts in some ways to hear her say that. As we were leaving the beach, I asked her if she regretted marrying me (she had mentioned that we got married young and she wants to feel independent and challenged). She said no, and she doesn't regret being married to me either. She asked if I expected that answer? Nope, but was glad to hear it.
I'm hoping that more of the same we've been doing and time will help. But it's hard to keep my feelings in check. I'm still worried about going cold.
Working on it. I've noticed that last night and today she's been much friendlier.
Who knows? I can't change her.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
UPDATE: The weekend was interesting. I'm sad to say she still wants to leave. She seems to think that will help somehow although when asked she is not sure how. We had a great time. Lots of conversation, friendly to each other. Caring towards the end of it.
Last night we had sex for the first time in months. Before hand she wanted me to say that I'm going to date her when she moves out and come over for sex. <sigh> As a guy, what do you say to that? As her husband I was devastated, but kept my cool.
This morning she texts me that to have a good morning and thanks for the weekend.
I'm sad, but for the first time she mentioned that she is broken. I see that as progress. I see that as the paramount need. Even if I have to fall on my sword, she needs to heal. I'm hopeful that she will realize we won't be friends if she leaves and that may help to change her mind. She mentioned that she doesn't know what she'll get out of leaving. She's willing to take the risk, she says. She says that she can't let her hair down around me so she needs to leave. She needs to be the one to leave because she now knows I won't.
Anyway, as others have mentioned, believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. It just hurts in some ways to hear her say that. As we were leaving the beach, I asked her if she regretted marrying me (she had mentioned that we got married young and she wants to feel independent and challenged). She said no, and she doesn't regret being married to me either. She asked if I expected that answer? Nope, but was glad to hear it.
I'm hoping that more of the same we've been doing and time will help. But it's hard to keep my feelings in check. I'm still worried about going cold.
Working on it. I've noticed that last night and today she's been much friendlier.
Who knows? I can't change her.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
We both heard the same words from our spouses at the same time. My H dropped the bomb 10/08 as well. He was saying the exact same thing about having to leave. Needing to be able to "do him". He said he was def leaving. Then he said he wasn't sure if he was leaving. The last time I asked was 12/08 b/c he had said he was leaving after the holidays... we were getting along great for about 2 wks, and dummy me asked him if he was still leaving, he said he didn't know but that even if he stayed it was b/c of our girls not me, our M was definitely over. I said yes but I've been changing (this was before I read DR) he said do you think you changing for 2 wks makes it all better, do you realize how long I've been in pain? That broke my heart.
I began looking for anything I can get my hands on to fix my M. Everything I read, in one way or another, said to back off. Stop asking questions, stop pursuing. As much as it hurt, I did.
In Jan he brought up the D again, and how he's sick of "this crap" and how he can't wait to leave. The old me prior to DBing, would have cried and pleaded, as I've been doing for the months of Oct, Nov and Dec. But this time I said you're right. And gave him some info I printed off, on D, and everything you have to do along with it. He told me this doesn't say anything about how much it costs, I said don't worry about that we'll figure it out. And I left it at that. That was Jan 15th. He hasn't brought up the D, or the idea of leaving since.
I told him, that day, that he's right he does need space, he needs to get away. I took the blame as I've read to do, just b/c their head is out of whack. I have stopped bringing up the idea of him leaving, stopped asking him if and when he is, and we are now in april and he's still here. Things are friendlier, and we have begun to ML more frequently also. Before Jan, if we ML he'd say how we shouldn't have done that b/c its leading me on, and if im not good enough to be M to then I shouldntbe good enough to ML to. It hurt like hell to hear that, but I sucked it up.
I told him don't worry about it its not leading me on. I said we are 2 adults, who happened to have had the same needs in the same place at the same time.
Ever since that night he hasn't said it anymore, and it no longer feels like sex, its more like a bonding. The way we set M DB goals, I set ML goals in my head if he touches me like this, or kisses me like this then I know im getting somewhere with him. Every time I reach one of those goals I about explode inside b/c I know we are getting close to where we were.
Keep up w/ the ML. Its a bonding. Don't bring up any talk of her leaving. Worry about today, not if she's leaving tomorrw. It can drive you insane. Do you still wear your wedding band? The very 1st day I put mine back on at the end of Feb, my H gave me a kis on the lips that evening, I think he noticed.
I saw a note he wrote to himself, but I can't rememeber when he wrote it.. It said he has been waiting for an answer and he got one last night, he said thank you. Said now he has a lot of work to do, and that he was always in pain inside and out.
I'm trying my hardest to figure out if this note surfaced after I put my ring back on, and wonder if that was the "sign" he received. Maybe they need to feel we are worth fighting for, but don't want to hear it.
Keep up your DBing. She's following my H's track, and I read on here today that the women get it slower. So maybe she's a couple of mths behind him. Be extra gentle.
Read smartcookies thread.
All the Best
2GBA
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
I got a chill reading that, but thank you for posting that.
The similarities are so striking it's as if you and I are living in a parallel universe! That hit me in the gut. It really did.
But I think you're right and I thank you for the advice and encouragement. I think the hard part for me is the "what about me" issues. I think, why do I have to put up with this crap? I have feelings too. Am I not allowed to express them? Is that not what this is partially about? Me not opening up?
Truth is, its not about me. <sounds like Dr Phil, right?> This is about her. It's in her head. She can't relax. She is broken. She is finally realizing it and if I have to fall on my sword, I'll make sure she gets the chance to heal.
I did stop short of printing things up for her. She's done enough research. Her "friends" have told her to get a divorce before she finishes school so she won't have to pay half her salary. I cried. I don't want the money. I could care less. I've never cared about money my entire life. I have enough to pay my bills and I'm happy.
I do wear my ring, but there have been a few times where the weight was too much to bear. I started taking it off, but then thought about it. I made a committment. For better or worse. I had my feelings hurt. My emotions were mowed down. I was laid flat. I was bleeding in the water and the sharks were circling. But it's not me to let dying get btwn me and my committments. Even if it was me that was dying. I also made up my mind to try everything I could to make my relationship work. To make my marriage succeed where others only saw failure.
I know now that the only way to make my marriage work is to make me work. To fix my self and give my wife the opportunity to fix herself. I have to take the chance that she may not. She'll tell me she won't similar to the conversations you've had with your spouse. That hurts so deep I sometimes wonder if I'll ever come back. To be honest, I'm still scared I may not. I'm not excited to talk to my wife. I'm a little numb to be truthful. The pain is not as much as it was, but I think that's because I don't feel as much any more. The repetitive beatings have caused me to feel less pain.
This has always been about her for the most part. My part was the way I handled my relationship with the kids. I'll pay for that for a long time, but I'm glad to say I have been working to fix that for the duration. Why? Because they deserve it and now that I've finally found the answer I've so desparately searched for, I can do nothing less than my best. I must succeed. It breaks my heart to hear her talk of leaving as much because of losing her as because of losing my kids part of the time to somebody who can't figure out her own schedule enough to not be busy during her time off. I cry to sleep over that.
You may be right about the time. I've got nothing but.
I've heard many times that she has to leave. I believe she believes it. I believe she doesn't really want to, but really needs something to change. Needs to control something and the psych at school put it in her mind that I'm the safe one to do that to. I guess I am. For now. I've endured far more than I thought I could. Far more than she thought I could. She won't mention divorce per se. In her world, we'll separate and date and ML when she has time and she'll take the kids and everything will be grand. I think she's fantasizing about getting away from her life and is expressing that fantasy. I think she is having trouble understanding fantasy and reality and the dividing line.
I think the friends and the guys hitting on her are not making that any easier. But I also think that without them, she won't know what she's got. My initial fear is that it may be too late when she figures it out. I've felt that way since the beginning. My new fear is that it is already too late. For me to come back. That the damage is more than I can withstand.
I understand MB and why she needs encouragement and why she has a hard time the way some encouragement comes across. I know she wants to change herself. I know she wants her husband back. I know how weary she's become and hearing how others have gone further and through more difficult times doesn't always have the intended effect. When somebody needs encouragement, they need encouragement.
It may be too late for me. I don't know anymore. I know I can't bear the thought of her with another man. But I don't feel excited to see her anymore. I don't hang her words anymore. Hell, I barely trust her to know what she's going to say.
I struggle for the perspective to know that she's the one with the issues and that I have to detach else implode the two of us. I have to live with the idea that for her to get better I may have to get worse. I can live with that but I won't be happy about it.
Thanks 2ba. We are kin in this. Let's keep it going and be strong for one another. I mentioned this guy before and how he has some interesting sayings about dancing in the rain and about how his world is burning yet the firemen are brining marshmallows. I follow it regularly. Check it out: http://tinyurl.com/cvoay8
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
No, she didn't mention when she's moving out, but I didn't try to ask either. Didn't want to reinforce the idea. It would feel like handing gas to a fireman :0)
Your mind is chaotic? Why don't you tell me about it? It might be cathartic. That guy on facebook had some interesting sayings. You might check it out.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
