Stress, WAW and life in general II

[AJM]

I got a chill reading that, but thank you for posting that.

The similarities are so striking it's as if you and I are living in a parallel universe! That hit me in the gut. It really did.

But I think you're right and I thank you for the advice and encouragement. I think the hard part for me is the "what about me" issues. I think, why do I have to put up with this crap? I have feelings too. Am I not allowed to express them? Is that not what this is partially about? Me not opening up?

Truth is, its not about me. <sounds like Dr Phil, right?> This is about her. It's in her head. She can't relax. She is broken. She is finally realizing it and if I have to fall on my sword, I'll make sure she gets the chance to heal.

I did stop short of printing things up for her. She's done enough research. Her "friends" have told her to get a divorce before she finishes school so she won't have to pay half her salary. I cried. I don't want the money. I could care less. I've never cared about money my entire life. I have enough to pay my bills and I'm happy.

I do wear my ring, but there have been a few times where the weight was too much to bear. I started taking it off, but then thought about it. I made a committment. For better or worse. I had my feelings hurt. My emotions were mowed down. I was laid flat. I was bleeding in the water and the sharks were circling. But it's not me to let dying get btwn me and my committments. Even if it was me that was dying. I also made up my mind to try everything I could to make my relationship work. To make my marriage succeed where others only saw failure.

I know now that the only way to make my marriage work is to make me work. To fix my self and give my wife the opportunity to fix herself. I have to take the chance that she may not. She'll tell me she won't similar to the conversations you've had with your spouse. That hurts so deep I sometimes wonder if I'll ever come back. To be honest, I'm still scared I may not. I'm not excited to talk to my wife. I'm a little numb to be truthful. The pain is not as much as it was, but I think that's because I don't feel as much any more. The repetitive beatings have caused me to feel less pain.

This has always been about her for the most part. My part was the way I handled my relationship with the kids. I'll pay for that for a long time, but I'm glad to say I have been working to fix that for the duration. Why? Because they deserve it and now that I've finally found the answer I've so desparately searched for, I can do nothing less than my best. I must succeed. It breaks my heart to hear her talk of leaving as much because of losing her as because of losing my kids part of the time to somebody who can't figure out her own schedule enough to not be busy during her time off. I cry to sleep over that.

You may be right about the time. I've got nothing but.

I've heard many times that she has to leave. I believe she believes it. I believe she doesn't really want to, but really needs something to change. Needs to control something and the psych at school put it in her mind that I'm the safe one to do that to. I guess I am. For now. I've endured far more than I thought I could. Far more than she thought I could. She won't mention divorce per se. In her world, we'll separate and date and ML when she has time and she'll take the kids and everything will be grand. I think she's fantasizing about getting away from her life and is expressing that fantasy. I think she is having trouble understanding fantasy and reality and the dividing line.

I think the friends and the guys hitting on her are not making that any easier. But I also think that without them, she won't know what she's got. My initial fear is that it may be too late when she figures it out. I've felt that way since the beginning. My new fear is that it is already too late. For me to come back. That the damage is more than I can withstand.

I understand MB and why she needs encouragement and why she has a hard time the way some encouragement comes across. I know she wants to change herself. I know she wants her husband back. I know how weary she's become and hearing how others have gone further and through more difficult times doesn't always have the intended effect. When somebody needs encouragement, they need encouragement.

It may be too late for me. I don't know anymore. I know I can't bear the thought of her with another man. But I don't feel excited to see her anymore. I don't hang her words anymore. Hell, I barely trust her to know what she's going to say.

I struggle for the perspective to know that she's the one with the issues and that I have to detach else implode the two of us. I have to live with the idea that for her to get better I may have to get worse. I can live with that but I won't be happy about it.

Thanks 2ba. We are kin in this. Let's keep it going and be strong for one another. I mentioned this guy before and how he has some interesting sayings about dancing in the rain and about how his world is burning yet the firemen are brining marshmallows. I follow it regularly. Check it out: http://tinyurl.com/cvoay8


AJ