Well, after I thought I gained and inch just a few days ago, I think I lost it and more today. This flip flopping just kills me.
So after the other day where she agreed to go to Retrouvaille and confirmed that she said we should get a babysitter once/week, I think it's all off again. We met up for lunch today, and then she says that she's been thinking us.
Now I'm wondering what this will be about. And she goes on about how she has tried and tried to get feelings for me again but can't. She has looked at pictures, and tried to remember things, but sees no hope of wanting to have us together again. I say that if she has been trying to rekindle her feelings all by herself, it might be hard that way, and I asked if maybe she'd like to try to go back to MC together. She says no because she decided that she doesn't want to do the work for it anymore. That she did enough work for the marriage before and is done with it now. And would only be going because of guilt of leaving the marriage and because of our son, and doens't want to go for guilt.
So I ask how come she won't go to MC if she agreed to go to Retrouvaille? And now she thinks that going to Retrouvaille would be a bad idea. And that she doesn't think she has any reason to go, and would only be there because I guilted her into it. And also cause she doenst' want Retrouvaille or MC cause it'll just give me false hope.
She said that she has already decided that she does not want a marriage with me because she wouldn't be happy with me. And thinks that she doesn't like my personality, how I talk, we didn't have anything in common, etc, etc. Of course I validate all that though I don't agree or understand some of it. I ask if she always felt I was all of those things from the very beginning. She says yes. Of course in my head, I didn't agree with that cause we were together 5yrs before even getting married for 10, and if I was so bad since the beginning, then why are we married in the first place?
But she is again feeling that we are completely wrong for each other, there is no hope for her being happy in the marriage, and she only wants us to be good parents together and close this chapter of her life and move on. She mentioned that she has been considering moving out again.
And she didn't miss me the 4days I was gone to Vegas. And I say that of course she didn't, she was never alone. Whenever I'm gone, she's at one of her sister's, or she invites them over. So I don't know if she could even have time to miss me ever cause she never seems to let herself be alone.
I may have stumbled a bit in my DBing by trying to convince her to give MC with a different counselor a chance, and giving Retrouvaille a chance, but we were already on the topic anyway so I took a chance and went with it.
But I really feel that from what was said that she really has herself convinced that I was, am, and will be the wrong person for her. And that somewhere along the line, in addition to resenting me about things, she lost respect for me. But yet, she can't tell me what it was that caused this lost of respect.
And since all her friends are supposedly in unhappy marriages, I think it really is having an affect on her. Again she mentions that seems like 'everyone she knows' is not completely happy in their marriage, and so she doesn't want to end up that way. But then of course none of these women are doing anything about their marriages. I just want to tell her to stop hanging out with these women cause they are messing her up in the head...but of course I can't do that.
Sigh...just when I thought I gained some encouragement when I really needed it, it flipflops back again.
