I've purposefully not been here for a few days as I've been feeling so down. In fact it is the most down I have felt since all this c**p started.
Last Thursday it was my day off from work. I was supposed to be meeting my mentor for my degree but she was ill again and this small (what should have been insignificant) piece of information set me into a downward spiral so deep I don't think I would ever come out of it had I also not been scheduled to see my homeopathist that morning.
Boy was I in a state when she arrived. As I'm sure most of you know I am trained in and work with conventional medicines and ALWAYS question everything that I am prescribed (which happens rarely) but when she said 'Here take this' I just held out my hand like a child and took whatever it was that she gave me. I hadn't booked her for reiki but she did some anyway. She then told me that she would be back within the hour with some remedies for me. She was true to her word. Never having had reiki before and not really feeling the effects she said I would feel I was shocked when I then slept from 10.30am until 3.30pm and still had a good nights sleep that night. I am still very sceptical about the remedies she gives me but hand on heart I feel so much better for taking whatever it is I currently have. I truely never want to feel like that again. I was worried for myself.
H went to Barcelona for his birthday. That wasn't until Friday but he flew out on Wednesday (which I think is where the spiral started!). I knew he was going away for the weekend but I didn't know he was leaving the country and it turns out that D13 didn't know until the night before either. Apparently S16 had asked why he couldn't go too and was told it was a romantic weekend away so he spent the weekend home alone. I did invite him here but although he originally agreed to stay Saturday night he ended up not coming as going to a party had more of an appeal than spending time with his mum!
However, that romantic weekend can't have been all it was cracked up to be b/c when D18 came home for the weekend and spoke to S16 she found out that MIL had gone too! So even though her constant presence in our lives was one of the factors that led to the deterioration of our M she is still doing it only much worse it would seem. She did take her friend and was apparently told she could go on the proviso that she did her own thing whilst there but if I know MIL she would have got round that one quite easily!
Mother's day was a disaster. D18, bless her, had bought me a plant and a lovely card. D13 had to be prompted by her sister to say Happy Mother's Day. This was despite the fact that the day before I handed the girls a card that I had made for MIL for them to give her for Mother's Day. This was when they found out she too had gone to Barcelona so they didn't bother writing it or taking it to her house. S16, who should have stayed the night before, had promised me breakfast in bed but he didn't actually appear until 8pm when he had finished work. He came with a bottle of wine. D18 had cooked an early lunch as she had to go back to uni and just as we sat down she made the mistake of asking D13 when H was back from his most recent jaunt. D13 answered and then announced that she would be spending every night until Thursday with H. I simply asked why so many nights and she just said b/c I want to. D18 made a comment that if this continued it meant that I was being forced to stay in every weekend whilst H got his freedom then. D13 turned on us both. I told D18 to leave it but she wouldn't so very quickly D13 turned to me and said 'Happy f**king Mother's Day' and left the table.
I will not be celebrating Mother's Day again. I cannot go through that heartache again.
When I left this morning for work I left D13 her lunch with a note on it saying see you Thursday. Just before I was due to leave work I got a TM saying she wasn't going to stay at Hs tonight after all. I immediately sent one back saying 'that is very good news see you soon'. When I got home I asked why she had changed her mind and she said she couldn't be bothered going. I know D18 had a conversation with her about her behaviour when I was washing up after tea last night but I don't know what was said. It is very cold here today and I suspect that maybe D13 had asked H to pick her up and he has probably declined. It's only a guess but whatever the reason hopefully it means the novelty is wearing off.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Alison, I am so sorry that your day didn't go better. Would have been much nicer for it to kind of snuck up and you say, "Oh that's today??"
Your d13 is going through a difficult time but no reason to allow the cursing. 13 minutes of a bar of soap in her mouth may have done the trick. It has helped prevent S16 from being mouthy..he hates it. Of course if they are smart, it just sits there and no foam. I know it sounds bad but it works!!
You obviously need some more relax time. Please take it when you can. Enjoy your kids. They will play you off each other until they see that it doesn't work.
Here's to peace. Hugs.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Things seem to have taken a slight turn in direction this week with D13. Three night this week she has supposed to have been staying at Hs. She changed her mind at the last minute Once it was b/c she 'couldn't be bothered', once it was b/c she 'wanted an early night and I can't do that there as I have to sleep on the settee' and lastly it was b/c H rang to find out when she was coming and she was out with friends at the time. He hassled her about an answer saying he needed to know b/c he and OW were going to a party and MIL was going to take D13 to the cinema. It must be plain as day to anyone NOT in MLC why she chose not to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Unfortunately I had to face H this week at S16s parents evening. I'd been at uni all day and couldn't leave early as I had my final exam (yay). I got there as soon as I could but H was making S16 hassle me about my whereabouts every 2 mins. It was two bus rides from the train station. He was in a car. Anyway it turned out that one of the teachers mentioned that S16 had been skipping lessons again and that H had received a letter from the attendance officer. I made it quite clear to her that I had no previous knowledge of this. Afterwards I asked H when this had been received and he said over two weeks ago I politely asked him to at least inform of things like this if they ever happen again. D13 had left some of her stuff at Hs house the night before and I asked if she had been round to collect it. He said no but then went on to say that he was intending sitting her down to work out a more rigid schedule for when she stayed with him. I gently pointed out that I should be part of that conversation also. He asked me what my 'needs' were and I said that I needed him to be flexible as I've got a lot of training to deliver in the evenings at the moment and that I wasn't prepared to have her every weekend. He said he was thinking of telling D13 that she should go to him every Sunday, Monday and Tuesday night. Even though I was furious I did not show it. I just simply said no we need to rotate YOU need a weekend to yourself and so do I (I chose my order carefully!). He just shrugged but I could tell from the look on his face (little boy disappointed) that he wasn't happy. If he wants to resume parental responsibilities he does it properly and not when it suits him.
Anyway towards the end he was getting really anxious b/c we had been there longer than he had told OW (as you always are at these events) and it was creeping closer to when she would have the meal on the table. He was encouraging S16 to skip the remaining visits with the teachers but S16 was most insistent that we waited and saw them (if he hedn't I would have suggested h go and S16 stay with me to see them). By the time we finally left he was like a cat on hot bricks! As I mentioned before he was in a car. I was two bus rides away from home (one of them long). We live within 10 minutes of each other. Any decent human being would have at least offered me a lift home BUT not H.
I assume it was down to the long day I had had, the exam which I sat which was envigilated poorly and the stress of the encounter with H but by the time I got to the second bus stop I was experiencing visual problems as the result of a migraine. Eventually when I was about 2/3rds of the way home I had to ring D13 and ask her to meet me at the bus stop as I couldn't see well enough to walk the short distance home from the stop.
Although the visual disturbances have gone and I did go to work yesterday the remains of the migraine are still here this morning.
In addition to all this I had another letter from my L telling that despite a letter a week this month and a telephone call she still has had no response from H. Is it any wonder I am under so much pressure?
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
How many expletives can you fit in one sentence? I aks b/c right now I need them all (and more)
Last night D13 stayed with H. She wasn't sure how long she was staying so when I was leaving work tonight I called to find out what she was doing. I almost wish I hadn't.
She said she was staying at Hs until Sunday and when I queried why so long she just said 'Haven't you seen the calendar I left on the kitchen cupboard? Dad has put it together' I explained I wasn't home yet and she told me H had written a calendar for the rest of the year stating when she will be with him and when she will be with me. Please note here that I have had NO input into this calendar whatsoever.
Needless to say I saw red. I asked to speak to him and told her that it was b/c I wasn't going to let him dictate to me when I could or couldn't see my own daughter and when I got time to myself.
She reluctantly put him on. He didn't see a problem with it telling me he had done what he had b/c last week i had said we had to share weekends. There was no discussion about her staying for a week at a time. I said 'You planned the whole year without consulting me' He said i can be flexible within reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To cut a very long story short I told him he could either agree to discuss it with me or he would get a letter from my L. He told me to send the letter. I pointed out that his L has not replied in any way shape or form to the last 6 mine has sent. At this point he handed me back to D13.
I feel so sorry for her b/c she is in the middle of all this but he is brainwashing her big time.
Now that I am home and have looked at this calendar I can see that he has gone out of his way to make sure she isn't home for my birthday, she isn't home for her birthday but interestingly he must be going away again in June b/c I miraculously have her for a week and a half at that point.
I feel like going round there and knocking on his door and refusing to leave until he talks to me. However, I think he would just end up calling the police saying I was causing a nuisance.
I know he has done this to force me to go to court. It is what he has wanted all along. I think it has been a long term game plan. I don't think he ever intended to go ahead with our agreement. I sent a TM to my L telling her I need to speak to her urgently in the morning but I really need someone to talk to right now as I feel like I'm gonna explode.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Hi ACJ, I am so sorry for all the things you have to go through. I just hope for you that one day you will be able to live peacefully again. (((HUGS)))
Your H is only slightly better than Laughing's H, but only slightly. Omigosh! Selfish doesn't even begin to describe him. I know you still love him, ACJ, but I hope you get over that soon. He is taking your children away, and alienating them from you. What you do is get yourself calm and clear-headed and fight for what is yours, even if it destroys him --- and it wouldn't hurt to destroy OW too (I mean figuratively of course --- I'm not that militant - ha!). Start planning! He might think he's winning, but I know you can beat him at his own game.
Just my opinion, but you know I care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
What has your h got to gain from going to court? I just don't get it.
In 'his' world he thinks he will get more than we have currently agreed on. He hasn't considered how much it will cost us both and probably mean we would both have to sell up to pay the court costs.
As fas as I am concerned this is tantamount to mental torture/abuse and manipulation of a minor.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Once it was b/c she 'couldn't be bothered', once it was b/c she 'wanted an early night and I can't do that there as I have to sleep on the settee' and lastly it was b/c H rang to find out when she was coming and she was out with friends at the time. He hassled her about an answer saying he needed to know b/c he and OW were going to a party and MIL was going to take D13 to the cinema. It must be plain as day to anyone NOT in MLC why she chose not to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I politely asked him to at least inform of things like this if they ever happen again. D13 had left some of her stuff at Hs house the night before and I asked if she had been round to collect it. He said no but then went on to say that he was intending sitting her down to work out a more rigid schedule for when she stayed with him. I gently pointed out that I should be part of that conversation also. He asked me what my 'needs' were and I said that I needed him to be flexible as I've got a lot of training to deliver in the evenings at the moment and that I wasn't prepared to have her every weekend. He said he was thinking of telling D13 that she should go to him every Sunday, Monday and Tuesday night. Even though I was furious I did not show it. I just simply said no we need to rotate YOU need a weekend to yourself and so do I (I chose my order carefully!). He just shrugged but I could tell from the look on his face (little boy disappointed) that he wasn't happy. If he wants to resume parental responsibilities he does it properly and not when it suits him.