No 2x4 from me. Your x has been demostrating less than poor behaviour. She is a royal bitch and nothing else. She needs no reason to get angry at you and no matter what you will do she will be angry. She is an angry person. There is no logic behind her actions and dont sweat over it. Some times we need to just speak out what is on our mind even if that wont improve things. I am glad you actually said what's on your mind. Now, drop it. Dont think about it. It was nothing. Really. You gave her the satisfaction of responding, you did what you felt like doing. Lesson learnt. xxxx K
Hi RTL, What's your W's childhood/upbringing like? Was she sexually abused or did she come from an alcoholic home? Did she try to label you all the time as something bad or the other? (e.g., "abusive", "passive-aggressive" or something along those lines). Did she argue with or counter/dismiss almost anything you said, did or wanted and instead did things independently often without your consent or knowlede? Any idea where all the anger is coming form?
Wow, I dont know what to say, but I'm sorry. Thats so tough, whats going on, its like she is just getting worse! Why do you say abuot 2x4's? You are not dbing her anymore, and no, you dont want to get dragged into a fight or feed her anger, but then, why shouldnt you express how much it hurts you and that you want her to be respectful? I worry about her attitude toward you and how it might leak out, either overtly or subtley, with Grace.. have you thought about going for some kind of family mediation, or counselling for the sake of your D? To resolve this anger and hostility between you? Could you suggest that to W? (I'm guessing not).
Also, are you still having IC as I am sure they would have some useful advice as to how to handle her and these continued bitter interactions. It really is sad, she is one nasty vengeful piece of work! (no disrespect, seeing as you married her!)
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Well, I'm doing fine and I'm going to try and address everyone's questions/comments before I turn in tonight. I've been meaning to check in w/everyone, but now I'm woefully behind. Please forgive...
Anyway, here goes:
Kat - Thanks for the good insight. You are absolutely correct. There is NOTHING preventing me from getting her calendar. I guess I'm a creature of habit still and I also made the mistake of assuming XW would be nice about working w/me. I was wrong and so, lesson learned, I'm going forward.
Kerry - first, thanks for the FB notes. Damn Dawgs faded in the 1st 1/2 against Purdue and couldn't recover. Oh, well.
As for XW, I do need to limit my contact w/her and I will. I made the mistake of trying to work w/someone who no longer exists.
fb - XW got primary physical custody b/c that was the recommendation after we went through the process w/the parenting evaluator. My openness and honesty was used against me in getting more time w/my D. The only reason I agreed to it was it was a pre-condition to the parenting evaluator and I held to my word. It wasn't what I was hoping for in any stretch of the imagination. However, I did make sure that I got shared legal custody, so she can't do anything w/out my approval.
fb (again): XW's parents are both alcoholics (mother recently entered AA and is now dry) and her father was at least verbally abusive. XW was on the verge of some breakthroughs w/her past - mom had post-partum which led to XW's fear of abandonment and XW was starting to believe that her father may have been sexually attracted to her - when she decided to stop working on us, go back w/"the Snake" who she had the EA w/and serve me. Does this help clear things up a bit? Crystal clear to me, but what do I know anyway?
Carlos - My brother. Please forgive me for not being up to date w/your sitch. Thank you for your support and I know you completely understand my XW and her actions as you unfortunately married her clone. Kindred spirits. You are correct as her anger is hers alone and I can either try to bear her burden w/her or let her walk alone. It is high time she walks on her own w/ her issues.
Gypsy - my cheerleader! Thank you for your simple, sane ways to look at things. The K.I.S.S. theory is what I need to live - Keep it simple, Stupid! and I'll be ok. I also have unfortunately learned that not only can I not depend on XW to even be a shared parent, but I shouldn't have been looking there in the 1st place. Chalk this up to experience and a lesson learned.
Sunshine - You've been waiting for me to slap her around for a bit and I'm sensing a small, devlish smile on your pretty little Bond girl face. Well, it felt good to vent, so that is what I gained from it. She may have backed off (I'll go current in the next post), but in the end, I'm just a dumb a$$ for thinking she'll "be normal" again any time soon.
Ali - Princess, you are another one who I owe an apology to for falling behind. You locked and I'm not in on the new thread.
I asked for 2X4s b/c I should have let it lie rather than fuel her fire. I gave her ammo. I loaded her gun and gave it to her to shoot at me. Not really constructive in any light, but it was what it was. I too worry about how XW will affect D, but all I can do is love on her when I have her to the best of my ability and let the rest work itself out. Scary, but it is the reality I'm faced with.
Finally, I haven't been in IC for a while as my new insurance doesn't work w/my old C. I need a new one, but haven't found one yet. That is on the to-do list and needs to be going forward sooner than I've been pushing it.
Well, that is it for this one. I'll tell you all the latest stuff in my next post.
I love you all dearly and one day I'll be able to afford to meet you in person just to grab you all in a big bear hug and tell you how much you mean to me. It will happen, so be ready for it, my friends.
Well, right now I'm listening to the Smiths and catching up on my on-line responsibilities. Don't worry, as I chose the Smiths b/c I wanted something I could sing along w/and I've been doing just that.
Ok, otherwise, I just got done shooting a commercial for VW of Canada, so if you see a guy in a nice looking grey suit on the street corner staring at the new Passat, it's me.
I had to go to work for a stupid open house this past Sunday which meant I had to give D up early to XW. I don't mind her being w/XW at all, but this was the 1st time I had to lose time w/her on "my weekend" so it was tough. I know there will be more things that will cause this type of interruption, but the 1st one is the toughest to deal with, so I'm still a bit bitter.
The interesting part is I had to contact XW (via e-mail only, mind you) about getting D early as I wanted her to have D before a sitter, and she only gave terse, short e-mail responses concerning our situation.
Then she sends a text on Sunday telling me where in the restaurant she was sitting. This came after the "inundation of texts" came about and I'm kicking myself for not asking "I thought we weren't supposed to text?"
Anyway, when I dropped off D, XW was alone and chatty. She wanted me to read a passage in a book she was reading about how men and women are different and how girls need their fathers. NO SH!T! Where was this book and logic when I was fighting for 50/50 custody?
So, I was pretty bland, not rude, but just, kind of "ok, thanks for the info" type of attitude. As I was turning to leave, I said to XW, "I'm really pissed I have to give up 5 hours w/D, but I'm glad she's w/you instead of w/a sitter" and I left. Why did I say it? Because I meant it.
On another note or two, I met a gal on a date and she knocked my socks off, so now I'm struggling w/being interested in someone again and not doing the things that will let all the air out of the tires before we even get rolling. We are looking to try to meet up this weekend when we're both off, so I'll probably call her tomorrow or Wednesday, but don't want to look too eager.
Any suggestions would be helpful. Also, ladies, what cologne would you suggest I pick up? I've not bought any in so long that I don't even know what smell to shoot for. I really need either a good female friend or a solid gay guy in my life to help me w/these things.
Work is going well and I'm enjoying teaching again after having a really rough 12 months. I am looking forward to summer as I'll be further and further out of debt and able to try and plan to do things w/my D and for myself as my money situation clears up a bit.
Ok, I think that's it (or at least what my fatigue and the 48 ounces of beer will allow me to recall at this point), so I'll fade into the sunset.
That's great news about the date...look forward to hearing more about her. As for cologne...goodness, I have no idea what to say in that regard...I think it might be best to get a sense of her tastes, maybe - perhaps she isn't so fond of cologne? Perhaps she is? There was an article in a recent...(um...okay, yes, I read these for "professional reason") Esquire or GQ, don't remember which exactly - but they went into some of the finer scents for men and women - so that might be worth a quick on-line consult.
As for your interactions with XW - my goodness, will the similarities ever end? I recently went through something identical with my STBX - and I had this Neo-like moment where I just saw her for the binaries that constituted her being. In other words (and in less geeky terms) - I saw that she just wants control - so that if she gives me information, etc, that's fine, but any information from me seems to make her feel like I'm trying to control her somehow - and she snips or snaps at me. In response now, I just find myself pulling further and further away - there are still down times - but I am beginning to see more of the joy that awaits me once I figure out how to take more of this process as an opportunity to learn how to enrich my life - rather than just continuing to look at it as the dismantling of my life.
I'm always impressed with your calm resolve, my friend, and with your integrity. It must be comforting to know that you are, indeed (and in deed) a great man and a wonderful father. With you as her role model for a good man, your D should grow up with a healthy sense of what to look for in an honest, compassionate and intelligent partner.
I like that Neo moment. It puts things into perspective.
You sound busy... doing commercials, running open houses and teaching along with darling daughter time and now looking for your socks.
We all do the best we can, learn from the booboo's and repeat what does work.
My newest line: When I want to say something, listen; when I don't what to say it, speak up.
I struggle with that urge of anger that comes when dealing with ex. Although it initially feels a little good, it works against me in the end. Ugh. And I always forget!
Hey, Sunshine. I had a feeling you'd like my last post to you.
As soon as the commercial is up on the web, I'll send the link out to everyone, ok?
I also got your cologne suggestions and will be looking to pick something up soon. I swear I'm a nervous wreck when I'm even talking to her on the phone b/c she is not only beautiful, but smart and interesting. Now I just need to make sure I don't screw it up and push her away. Yikes! The pressures of dating again!
