Superior intelligence, when used in a humble way (as you do), is DAMN sexy. And, Planetary Science sounds pretty romantic to me.
Ahhhhh, Baggy and Mrs. Baggy laying under the stars...
You are more than OK, Baggy. My point of telling you about the "beautiful wave" you made in my marriage yesterday was to tell you that it's just that simple. No, my H didn't initiate it. Maybe he will someday.
To clarify, when I say "...more than OK", that doesn't mean that you're just a little more than average. (Yikes - That would be a "limp" assessment.) That means that you are *advantageously* equipped to have a great marriage.
Thanks, DQ and Lucky: the compliments are greatly appreciated, especially when you don't hear such things very often.
Guys, what these women have just demonstrated here is one of those differences between the sexes that while sub-consciously everyone understands, consciously it is often maligned or misunderstood. It goes to something I've mentioned before: that in our species, the females are equipped (mentally and physically) to display themselves and attract potential suitors, while the males are equipped to respond to such displays positively -- whilst fighting among themselves for the dominant male position and the privilege of 'taking' the female.
As such, men tend to be visually (physically) oriented and stimulated when looking for a potential mate or when maintaining the pair-bond with our chosen mate. While a woman's mental attributes (personality, intelligence, etc.) are certainly important, it is her physical attributes which take center stage when it comes to sexual attractiveness and arousal in a man. Because of this, men tend to be a bit 'boiler-plate' in what they find sexy and attractive, although tastes do vary somewhat from culture to culture and man to man.
Women, on the other hand, tend to be holistically (both physically & mentally) oriented and stimulated when looking for a potential mate or when maintaining the pair-bond with their chosen mate. They tend to look for the MAN behind the looks, and if he has the masculinity, intelligence, and personality that they find attractive, then his physical attributes are less important. A more accurate way of thinking about it is that a man's looks become -integrated- into the woman's holistic view of him. Thus a physically ugly man can be considered handsome in a woman's eyes if he has the mental attributes that attract her, while a physically handsome man can be considered ugly in her eyes if he lacks the mental qualities she likes. Because of this, women tend to be quite variable in what they find physically sexy and attractive (because it isn't -just- physical), and there is no set 'boiler-plate' that works for them.
The above difference is why a man will sometimes shake his head in bewilderment when he sees some drop-dead, gorgeous bombshell latched on to some guy like George Burns (short, big-eared and a bit funny looking, but smart, witty, kind, and a gentleman to women). It's also why a woman will belittle men for being "shallow" in their ogling of that bombshell....while at the same time adjusting her dress to show a little more cleavage and pulling out her compact to freshen up her makeup.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Baggy - YES, what you are saying is true! Brains, wit and humor, kindness, masculinity, and a bit of a wild side (even if hidden from view) are always going to attract a woman.
However, a HOT man also attracts a woman, so add brains, wit, kindness and masculinity to a HOT man and you've got a ... ...
(((((Bagheera))))!!!
Don't sell yourself short! You got the whole package! (adjusting dress and checking make up)
What DQ just did for you... Your woman needs that, too, to feel worthy of spreading her feathers. Just in case you haven't told her lately...
I hear ya; and yes, she hears it from me often, and in a variety of ways. I have been working to shift her own negative body-image throughout the past year and a half since our reunion. It's been slow progress. A little background:
By society's standards, she is overweight, hates it, and is currently unable to change it, despite major efforts to do so -- her body right now would rather reduce her metabolism to zero than burn fat -- I've seen her on 800-900 calories a day, losing hair, feeling awful, and still not able to lose anything. For a time, while our relationship was very strained and we were separated most of the year, she became very discouraged, had stopped dressing in a flattering way, had stopped wearing make-up, had stopped pampering herself in any feminine way. I'm also guilty here too: at the height of our SSM, I was angry, withdrawn, NOT complimentary and occasionally critical of her weight and the ways in which she was 'letting herself go.' I was a jerk, really.
During that long, lonely, six-month separation in the first half of 2007, however, I finally woke up and smelled the coffee. I realizing, among many other things, that my wife was her own worst critic with regard to her body and looks, and that I needed to become her -primary- source of positive remarks, compliments, and feedback, and to NEVER 'go negative' again with regard to her body/looks. I needed to become the counter-balance to her own negative self-commentary, and help her to see the positive in herself. Secondly, I discovered that thanks to my love of curvaceous women -- and my wife tends to carry her weight primarily in her curves, making her even more curvaceous -- that I could be extremely turned on by her body regardless of current weight status. I found my own confidence to say "Screw what 'society' considers attractive," and proudly enjoy the woman that I had on my arm in public, and in my bed at night. Thus began my campaign.
For the first few weeks/months following our reunion, my wife simply didn't believe that I was being genuine with my compliments and praise. Or she attributed it to horniness on my part and the male 'fog' of arousal (what I called 'arousal goggles' in your thread). However, with time, she has come to trust and appreciate my appreciation of HER. She has started dressing more attractively again, and even in ways that show off her ample curves occasionally (although she's still very 'proper'). She's started using make-up again (lightly, as has always been her style), and with my encourage she now has regular manicures and pedicures. Privately, she still won't dress in lingerie for me, but I'm working on it, and the rare laced panties or bra always draw a nice growl of masculine appreciation from me.
At this point, I think that she fully trusts and enjoys the fact that I find her lusciously curvy, sexy, and attractive. However, in the same sentence she'll claim not to understand it, shaking her head as if I must aberrant or blind. She doesn't feel it yet for herself, which is the next important step.
In time,
-- B.
P.S. I also owe a bit of appreciation to the on-line BBW community for showing my wife that there is a significant number of men out there who truly appreciate women of her body type, and that it isn't just the 'young, nubile playmate' types that turn a man on. It helped to show that I'm not such an aberrant husband, after all....
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
But Baggy...did you or did you not send her a sexy text today?????
(poking you with a stick)
Don't forget! Its never a waste of time to send out those sexy vibes....I know, I know....you've tried and you continue to try, you are tired of trying, you wish she'd pick up her end of the rope....I know....
But still......it can't hurt and can only help to send her a quick text!
Here is one part of an email that Mr. DQ sent me today.....I get them nearly every day....
"You knock my socks off. I really never thought that a relationship could be like this. I feel your love for me constantly burning down my "walls" and bathing my heart in your fiery warmth and beauty… Gosh, you literally incapacitate my body and mind!"
It went on more than that, but you get the gist. I'm just sharing this because when Lucky brought it up yesterday, saying she suddenly realized she hadn't sent her hubby any racy texts lately so she hopped right to it....it made me feel very blessed and lucky that my man sends me this kind of thing nearly every day.
I also send him similar things, written specifically around the ideas that I know he will appreciate and understand.
He and I don't always get it right, but in some ways, we really do have it figured out.
ANYONE can do this and have this....it takes constant effort! But the effort should be a joy! It is never a drag or a bore to me to tell him how much I love him.
Now granted, its harder if only one person is doing the effort....but given time, the other partner will usually follow suit to some extent.
In the case of Mr. and Mrs. Bagheera....I actually think maybe Mrs. Bagheera will continue to come along....but I think maybe Mr. Bagheera will have to basically demand it.
And what is wrong with that?
Mr. DQ and I demand quite a high level of admiration, respect, faithfulness, and attention from each other. We also demand honesty and authentic behavior. So if I just "wasn't feeling it" for him, I would be forced to be authentic about that....and from there we could try to see if this was a fatal problem or just a temporary one.
That is why I said yesterday that I am glad at least for Mrs. Baggy to be able to authentically share her truth with Mr. Baggy. And I think its now up to him to tell her, authentically, that he requires her to step up to the plate and GIVE HIM what he needs. From there, she can decide to try harder or take her ball and bat and leave the field...but its only after an authentic break through that people can make these choices.
I'm just rambling....
But hopefully what I'm saying is obvious.
DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS THAN ALL YOU DESERVE AND WANT.
I'm going to have to find and watch "The Taming of the Shrew" again. NOT THAT any of our spouses are shrews... Just to study the power of determination in a seemingly hopeless situation, and how the will of one can mean everything to the outcome of two.
My goal is to keep filling up my H with all kinds of sexy love until it's spilling out of his ears and he's left wondering, "What the h3ll am I going to do with all of this???"
I'm going to send my H a sexy text now that'll make him blush at his desk.
