WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 6

[confusedinpa]

I went dark. Didnt call or txt or anything unless I had a question abt our daughter. I let her and still let her initiate any communication. It's up to them to figure out if they are willing to do the work. Just be nice and answer questions when it comes to the kids. Focus on figuring out your needs and wants. That's what GAL/PMA are all about. Use this time to figure out what makes you happy. If you're happy then your kids are happy. Letting go and detaching are the hardest part as you've found out, but comepletely necessary when the WAS's get that point. Let her go and give her the space she is asking for. She is far from done. You are slowly figuring out what she needs and wants. She is still hurt. She doesn't believe the changes are for real or permanant. Just be consistent and respectful. Develope a "whatever it takes mentality". Part of that is accepting where she's at and that this is on her timeline not yours.

Buckle in for a long ride. Rememeber it goes both ways. "For better or worse. Good times and bad..." She at her worse and bad times right now. Now's when you show what kind of husband and father you really are. Man up buddy!!! It might take another year, but what's that over a lifetime. A drop in the bucket. Figure out what you truly want then commit to it.

You're doing great! Keep going.

God Speed. B

PMA_Baby!

Thanks for sharing how you handled the separation.

I actually had lunch with her mom today - first time ever. I'm not sure why I wanted to talk to her, but just felt it was time as in the last 11.5 years I've known my wife, I've talked to her mom twice. One of those two times was to let her know that I wanted to marry her daughter (my wife "suggested" I do that).

Anyway, she spent most of the time confirming my wife's grievances. She actually brought a list (fortunately it was only on an index card)! Once we got past that, she said regardless of the outcome, she would always be available to help with the kids if I needed it. I did get into how I didn't get it before, but did in Jan. She still doesn't know my wife filed for divorce as all my wife told her is that she wants to leave. She hasdn't told her that it was in a couple of weeks either, just that it would be soon. I told her mom that I'm making changes but feel like it may be too late. I still believed in the marriage and want it to work but don't have much hope. She wound up praying for me after lunch.

I thanked her for taking the time to have lunch with me.

One of the things that her mom brought up, is that my wife told her that she wasn't invited to the trip to the CT the prior weekend. I told her that I said I would love to have her come, but understood if she didn't want to. Her mom, no big surprise, sided with my wife, saying that it didn't sound like I really invited her.

Part of me is struggling as it seems like right after that trip she was hell bent on moving out. What I have to remind myself is that earlier that week, she had told me that she wanted to move out. If selling the house was the only way for us to afford for her to do that, she had called a real estate agent and made an appointment to meet with us that weekend.

I was torn about selling the house, but I think I made the tactical mistake then of telling her the Friday morning that I was leaving with the kids to CT, that I would want to keep the house and the kids in it as much as possible to offer them stability. If she wanted to leave, I love her so much that I would not hold her back. I guess timing is everything as she then spent that time that weekend finding a place and buying things for it.

Maybe it's the best as she was feeling trapped so the relationship wasn't getting better with her in the spare bedroom and feeling that way. It was better for the kids, but that would have been a short term fix as a divorce in PA is automatic 2 years after it's filed. If she doesn't heal and see that their can be a good life with me by then, it's over.

I know I can't be watching the clock like a countdown timer. As someone had pointed out earlier, I just need to take every minute and live it to the best I can.

Anyone else have any thoughts/suggestions on how to handle it once she moves out?