Seperated But Living Together

[2gthrButApart]

This is the point where resentment, and anger set in.

I find myself here at work anticipating his stupid call. He said he'd call me at work today, I kind of figured he wouldn't and it's only 12:15 PM here, but I find myself waiting for his dam* call, and I get angry each time I pick up and it's not him. It makes me feel unimportant that he can go on a vac by himself to see his dad, to relieve stress while I'm here doing everything I have to do, I never get a dam* break. I'm mom 24/07. I get stressed too, and can I leave to another country for a wk? NO!! The world would fall apart. Yet he goes over there gets to live life w/ no responsibilities for more than a wk. He doesn't even call to see if all is well, if me and the girls even made it to work and skl. He's happy in his own lil' world over there and it pisses me the he!! off!!

Maybe I'm over reactng? I don't know. But right now I'm angry and if I don't let it out somewhere that's when I'll get sarcastic with him when he does manage to find a second to call.

I hate waiting for him to call. I hate when work is so slow that I notice he hasn't called. I hate that he's over there with his cheating brother that will screw anything that walks. Makes me feel uneasy. My H says he isn't one who gives in to peer pressure, and he says he gets upset that I don't know that by now, almost 13 yrs together. But my mind can't help but wonder, and make me think stupid things. If they're always together over there, and one is cheating then what is the other doing. My H says he has waited in the car, running errands things like that, while his brother has slept around and cheated on his fiance.

Ugh, I hate feeling insecure. I want him to be as happy with me as he is when he is over there. He says he feels "free" over there. Life is slower, and he doesn't have to worry about work and responsibilities.

I'm not even going to call him, the girls can call him tonight if they wish to, tho he told them he'd call them after school.

He's over there living life to the fullest while I'm stuck here in responsibility land, and he's fine with it b/c he knows my dumb a$$ will still be sitting here when he gets back.

[2gthrButApart]

Hi SLH, I guess you're right.

No it's fine that I call his dad b/c my H's phone needs a new battery and doesn't always ring, so the majority of the calling is done through FIL's phone. It's been like that every time he goes, and they're usually always together, but yesterday my H woke up later than them, since he felt sick the night before, so he stayed behind while FIL and BIL ran errands and went for haircuts, this is what BIL said when I called the FIL's phone, b/c, as I stated my conversation with H was very short.

In the past he has called me for 10-20 min calls, this time the calls are very minimal conversation. And he hasn't once asked me about me. But... whatever, I think you're right.

I tend to overanalyze every minute detail, I wasn't like this when we fist met, I was a very laid back girl, and didn't put much thought/care into tiny unimportant things, and I am now that my M is on the rocks. Well, now More so that it's on the rocks, this whole "being very analytical" is one of the other things that came about after motherhood.

God, I have a lot of work to do on myself.

[stillloveshim]

I don't think we ever stop growing. I know we never stop learning.
If he's going to act this way, then you figure out how you can act as if you were feeling better and completely confident in this relationship. Maybe act as if he only has a 10 min. window to talk to you because of the phone company.

Until H cheats on you AND you know it beyond a doubt, you are posititive, you can't think that he has. And you CERTAINLY cannot treat him like he may have.
Think about your girls. Are they the same? Do they do everything the EXACT same way? Do they only eat the exact same food, wear the exact same clothes....etc?
Basically, there's nothing you can do but work yourself up into a tizzy over this one, so let it go and assume your H would not cheat on you. You can't punish him because his brother is a jerk.
Yes, he's on vacation. Yes, it sucks you are at home with the kids and working. Yes, it sucks he hasn't called you when he said he would. Let it all go. You can't do ANYTHING about any of it, except let it go. You have made the decision to let him call you from now on, so let him.
Remember, he does miss you and his girls. But think of how much more he misses his father when he's not with him. And now he's with his father and his brother.....that's great, be happy for him. This might help you feel better. H is with his brother and his father....the two men that have always been around for as long as he can remember. The sad part about getting older is that those relationships, established when you're a kid....well, they become more distant because you grow up, you meet new friends that are more on your level with more of your interests, so you pull away from your parents and become more social. Then you get even older, go to school maybe, get married, have your own kids and things just change with your parents. You have a new focus. And this is how it's supposed to be.
Now, he's with his two childhood best friends (that's probably how he sees them) and they have memories together that are personal, unique and because of that very very special.
Let him enjoy this time.
Relax. He loves you.

[2gthrButApart]

Thanks, that really does put it into a different perspective. I'm basically acting like a spoiled lil' brat LMBO!

And basically when you're on vacation, and spending fun time with the ones you love and make you feel good time flies by w/ o you realizing. I just hope this trip does in fact help him to miss me and not help him to realize he'd rather live as a single man. It angers me that he drinks every single day over there, and basically all day long, and in the past I have complained, but this time I'm "acting as if" which is a complete 180 for me.

I do know that this time around I have to be SUPER sensitive when he does arrive back home, no bratty tantrums. This is his first time away since the bomb, after his last trip there after he professed how much he missed me over all the previous trips, when he got back was when he dropped the bomb, after being home for 3 days and realizing I was the same nagging never satisfied person.... so now I'm scared about what kind of "revelation" he has this time around. I'm praying it's a good one, and that I will control my resentment and all negative feelings so that he can see I really am changing. Thanks for being there for me SLH.

xoxoxo

[2gthrButApart]

Journaling (Can't keep hard copy, since it's very likely to be found and read)

Perhaps he's a lil' more distant on this trip b/c he needs to test his own will power. Maybe he's trying to see if he'll miss me. Checking to see if "freedom" from me is what he really wants, or if it truly just is a change he wants like SLH suggests.

I did miss a call from an unknown number, which is how his number form over there sometimes shows up, so it could have been him calling me (it was on my lunch hr). I guess I'll find out tonight.

Tonight is dinner w/ my girls, and beginning of Operation Overhaul LOL...time to clean up the house lil by lil, the girls and I have had enough relaxation time this wknd.

[2gthrButApart]

Any suggestions?

[stillloveshim]

Is it possible his brother is giving him grief for calling home? Does his family know what's going on? I know you've both kept it very under wraps which is the exact right way to do it. If his brother is giving him grief, take that into HUGE account.

[2gthrButApart]

Hi SLH,

He called us last night around 8 something, we spoke for like 15 mis, it was nice. He basically was telling me everything he's been doing, he had a fun conversation w/ each of the girls. He lost the paper w/ my work number on it so he didn't call my job during the day, he stayed in and relaxed, and went to the gym.

I doubt his brother would tell him anything b/c my H doesn't spill our biz like that, the only one who knows 99% of the sitch is his dad, which like you said is like his BFF.

I feel confident that he's taking time for HIM. Remember that argument I told you we had when he was coming home on the train, when he had said he just wanted HIM time, time to be able to think in peace. So I think by me giving him his space when he's there he doesn't feel smothered. One of his complaints during the bomb, was that I smother him.

Last night when he called he actually sounded "happy" to talk to me, he sounded upbeat, and we had a nice conversation. Let's see what this next wk brings.

[stillloveshim]

Then I think just leave it all alone now. He's there, he's having a good time and he's thinking all the right thoughts about everything.
Just know, not assume, know he's going to come home happy. And you let him be happy because you are.
This is all good stuff.

[2gthrButApart]

I am happy he's having a good time, but I'm scared.

Although he seems different and happy and he's been "inching" towards me and we've been getting along better, and he's given me 5 kisses in the past almost 6 months (3 of them being in March), I'm scared he still might say we are over, I told you we're over, I'm only here for the girls, our M is done blah blah blah.

Is it normal for me to have this fear? I feel like things are getting better but I'm scared of leading myself on. What if he's being nice "just because" it's the civil thing to do? But then I wonder, would he have kissed me all those times and hug me so tight at night if it meant absolutely nothing to him? Maybe he's just as confused as I am, and my changes are confusing him for the better? After all, he was set to move out in the beginning of Jan, and he still hasn't (which is a good thing b/c that's when all of these good chanegs really began btwn us)

I feel like I have so many questions flying around in my head, and you and I are in the Middle of this all, so we really don't know any type of advice, from a having been there done that point of view LOL, we are both just hoping and DBing our lil' hearts out. I know I can't ask him ANY R questions, so I sit here and type LOL, hoping to get some type of insight.

Thanks for always checking in on me.

Is it normal for me to have this fear?