Walk Away German Wife (WAGW)

[PMA_Baby!]

When she does come back I'd make sure she gets the medical help she needs. Also, make sure you set the boundaries and stick to them this time. Mostly for the kids sake.

Good Luck, B

[jaguilar]

Yea, I know you want to show compassion for her but at the same time, you needed to be guarded as well. She has done a lot of damage to the kids and yourself. You definitely don't want to backslide but at the same time, not show your cards.

At this point, like you said, she is probably thinking about you and the kids. I'm sure the OM doesn't want to have to take care of someone with a medical condition. Funny how its all great times until reality checks in. Then it's not so great.

The greass wasn't greener on the other side...

[PortlandDad]

She had an ultrasound on her leg today. According to her (apply the appropriate reality filter) it is a non-malignant tumor, a torn ligament, and a hematoma the size of a grape. She says the doc wants to excise it for fear of getting a blood clot.

Whatever. All I know is this will pretty much kill any chance she had of staying in her school (nursing school is pretty much all leg-work, which has contributed mightily to her condition). It will also devastate her financially, as she has no insurance.

If she was sweating those things, though, she sure wasn't showing it today. She was as defiant as I've ever seen her. She sent me a couple of e-mails and was her typical, obstinant self. Saying that she didn't agree to giving me full custody of the kids (?? Like how would she have any claim to custody being 2000 miles away?), I shouldn't be bad-mouthing her to my friends (?? I never say anything to anyone about her, outside of this forum), and she would give her life for her kids (?? but she just doesn't want to live WITH them, apparently).

Oh well. She can be as defiant as she wants on the deck of the SS Titanic. I did extend my hand in compassion to her... I'll see what she does with it.

[PortlandDad]

More journaling:
I was IM'ing her today and we were chatting about how the kids were doing, and just family stuff, when out of the blue she asks me, "if we would begin new, what about trusting each other and be honest just the truth counts, is that not what u have been saying?"

To be honest, it completely floored me, because this is the very first time she has ever posited the situation of us being back together. I replied that yes, I believed that we could work on trust if we began anew. She followed up with, "but dont ever say that u never lied"

I said that yes, I did lie about many things in our marriage, but that I was trying to be an honest person now.

She replied, "u lied about loving me. u married me and said u loved me when u did not. that was a big blow"

Ei, Ei, Ei. She is definitely holding onto this issue, or she is making her central excuse. My final answer before we changed the subject was, "I did lie about loving you. but that was a great many years ago. I know that it was wrong when I did it. But I came to love you. When I fell in love with you, I never fell out of it, not to this day."

Backslide, or breakthrough? It was a milestone conversation. The thought of us together again is in her mind, and she spoke it. I'm not doing cartwheels, but the sun was a little brighter today, despite the rain.

[PortlandDad]

Monday journal:

She called S17 today and was chatting over the webcam. Then she takes him on a 'tour' of her apartment. She is limping and grunting the whole time because her leg is causing her such pain. So she Shows off all her furniture, her appliances, goes to the balcony and shows her car. She is so proud!

S17 was saying stuff like 'yeah, that's great mom', 'ok, it's nice', etc. She just doesn't get it. Does she expect any of us to be ecstatic about her new diggs?

So then I get on and ask her when she is going to have surgery on her leg. She says that she had to cancel the operation because she just can't afford it. I asked her is she can afford NOT to have it done, since she is in school to be a nurse, and she is going to be on her feet all day and all that. She said that she will do it when she can afford it. She is going to be in school until September before she can even work, so when exactly will she be able to afford it? Wow, the forecast in her world is still pea soup thick fog.

So I ask her how she wants to pay her bills. She says she needs the bank information so she can transfer the money. I gave her the information, but she had best be quick since her visa bill is due on Friday, and her Amex bill is due next week.

Oh well, I'm back to work and working on me and my family. It was a pleasant enough diversion the last few days to think that she was improving, but I see the roller-coaster is still in motion, so I'm getting off for this cycle.

[working on me]

Hay PD,

What a trip about her bringing up the trust issues if you two got back together. I am impressed by how you handled youself.

[jaguilar]

It sounds like she's backed herself into a corner. Have you spoken with her parents yet?

[PortlandDad]

It sounds like she's backed herself into a corner. Have you spoken with her parents yet?

Oh yes. I'm on very good terms with my ILs. Neither of them agree with what she is doing, which is why she lives alone now instead of with them.

Unfortunately their health is failing and they have another D who is going through marital problems right now. My MIL has basically just thrown up her hands and said that, as much as she wants to change the situation, she can't because my W doesn't listen to her any more.

I do get a lot of good information about what my W is doing from my MIL, but she is no longer actively campaigning for us to get back together. I think she sees that my W is stubborn and continuing to press her on a reconciliation was only entrenching her in her decision to remain separated.

I also found out today that her surgery was going to cost $9000 dollars, and that is why she canceled it.

Well, by my math... $600 for a plane ticket, $50 for a co-pay, $50 for meds after the fact... a few weeks of being pampered by her kids and family...

*Sigh* I know, don't expect rationality from the irrational.

[jaguilar]

She has a ton of debt piling up on her. How did she get the apt and car? Maybe reality hasn't sunk in yet?

[PortlandDad]

Nope. Reality certainly hasn't sunk in yet. She was living large from the large stipend that I *foolishly* gave her when she moved out. In my defense, I was so happy that she backed off of demanding a divorce, that when she asked for the money, I gladly gave it to her. The condition was that she wasn not to spend it or touch it unless she really wanted out, at which point it was a "down payment" on the divorce settlement.

For about a month, she made good on that promise. Then she wanted out of her parent apartment, and the spending commenced en-masse. She is now, or is very nearly, broke. She doesn't have a job, and won't be able to have one until after September, when she finished her classes. With her leg being in the condition it is in, any work prospects in her field seem dubious, at best.

She doesn't qualify for any loans because she has no capital, and no job, and so her only source of money are her american credit cards, both of which have murderously high rates and tack on foreign transaction fees for dollar-to-euro charges.

In three words: she is screwed.

I do feel a sense of schdenfreude about the whole thing, though. She could have ended this little adventure at any time. She was not thinking about the future when she rented the apartment, or when she bought her car, or when she signed up for classes that would last for 6 months before she even had a chance at a job. Shortsighted, fogged-out thinking on her part has created a crisis for her. I have extended my hand in compassion to her, but have received nothing but attitude, anger, and spite in return. I guess she needs to stew a little longer in her sitch until her pride and heart have softened.