The part where the guy who's cheating accuses his spouse of being involved with someone else, or insists that he is the victim, is unfortunately pretty common during affairs. I think it's called projection, where the cheater can't stand the guilt and so tries to put it off of himself and onto you. I remember when I told my H how I felt about his glorification of OW, he claimed I had similar feelings for one of our friends, and it hurt him equally. I've known the guy in question since I was 6 and it was laughable that I'd ever be interested in him, so it was clear to me that H was fabricating away in order to feel justified and "wronged." (I guess the good part is that, even though they aren't dealing with it, they are experiencing guilt??)
It's horrible that your H would prefer to let you suffer through 4 weeks of wondering whether you had an STD than tell the truth and give you peace of mind. It's horrible that he preferred to imagine you were trying to trap him rather than acknowledge how scared you were. But somehow once they've told a lie, they fight fiercer than a momma bear to protect that lie. One weekend, my H claimed he'd missed 2 flights back to our city, through sleeping in, bad traffic, etc. His excuses didn't add up, but he defended them fiercely. A month or two after he returned to the marriage I said I really needed to know--had he been with OW? He deflected, he tried silence--it must have taken 20 minutes to prise the truth from him.
In the end, you'll decide one day, there's no point in trying to figure out the "whys." Although the pod people talk and act with remarkable consistency, their brains are just not working on the same wavelengths as ours, so we'll just end up as crazy as them if we try to understand them. I felt a lot better after I read some stuff on depression and seratonin levels on google--at each level of seratonin they behave in predictable ways, with most affairs beginning once they hit moderate depression, etc etc. That really made me see it was not about me (or OW)--it was all just an evil brain chemistry experiment, and I needed to take care of myself rather than become too caught up in it.
I applaud your curses--they made me laugh. I know some people here claim there's bad karma in wishing ill on H & OW, but my friend and I took great pleasure in it for a time--it was very cathartic. I even had a song about the OW that I would hum to myself when I thought about her, and it helped me laugh about her (to break that incessant question of what-does-he-see-in-her-that-I-haven't-got?) And then, one day, you'll decide H and OW aren't worthy of the space and time you give them, and you'll flick them away like bumbling woodlouses. Until then, carry on!
I'm glad your grief is less intense. Coming out of a traumatic loss like this really is a "two steps forward, one step back" sort of process, but as long as the intensity is subsiding, you're ending up ahead. You're a very strong woman, so I'm confident you can get through it. Don't torture yourself with thoughts of him being happy, though, because I can guarantee that he isn't.
Any ideas for a creative curse song to try out in the shower?
