As thoughts spin around in my head, it seems it's time for a bit of journaling.
My H did make it over tonight. I cooked dinner, not too bad of a job, although I'm not used to multi-tasking at home. He arrived & we had a dirty martini as he spoke about his day & we chatted a bit about misc things. Then we ate. After dinner he went to pet our (or my) cat. Our cat had such a special bond with my H, when he lived here. Last time the cat ran away & hid. This time the cat let H pet him & bit him, like old times. My H said mama (we used to call each other mama & papa) - do you play with cat2 like this. I said no.
After dinner we had coffee. I told him I would like to start with a clean slate. I asked him if he even knows why he left me. He said he didn't really know why. I asked him if he thought he left because he was afraid & afraid to talk about the issues we had & it was just easier to run away. He agreed it could be. Then I asked him if he thought his upbringing led him to run away when there were problems. Again, a could be from him. I mentioned about his mum (not blaming her) - but how she runs away from problems & his brothers in their own way do too. He agreed & gave examples as well. Also asked him if he had a girlfriend at any point since we've been separated. He said there was someone he wanted to date, but never did. (Don't know if I believe that one). I then asked him about his debt & how he got so much. He said it was from furniture & wall stuff he bought. He didn't want to take anything from home & hurt my feelings. And he really doesn't know how he's going to pay it all off. One card that he owes money on, his landlord owes him for!!! I said what & he's making you pay rent & he owes you money!!! Oh, I could just swat my H!!!! I told him about my mum's husbands huge debt & that he hid the growing debt from her for 10 years. What did my mum do? Put her house up as collateral & took out a loan. I told my H, my mum loves her husband & that what you do, work through the bad times. Then I went over & sat on his lap, gave him a hug & a kiss & told him that I still love him. He said that he loves me too. He hasn't said he loved me since sometime before he left. He said, I don't know why you love me, when I'm so bad. He said, well you love dog2 & cat2 & their bad. Yep, that's true. He then gave me the D paperwork I needed. When he was looking for it & pulling out papers, he said is this it? I said no, that is your petition to D me. He said don't say that. (Meaning I guess he doesn't like to hear it). We then signed taxes & divorce papers. I told him, that he knows he needs to start taking his things. He said he knows, but this was enough depressing things for tonight.
Before he left I gave the starving man some food to take home. Strange that he asked for it - normally he would decline. Then he said to dog1, that papa has to go. I said, you won't be their papa forever you know. My H gave me this pouty face & said don't say that. I told him 2 funny stories about cat2, to lighten the mood. I also asked him if he would change the brakes on my car. He said, I would love to!! I said, no you wouldn't love to, you hate working on cars. He smiled & said no I would love to.
Well, I don't know if reality is hitting him or not. I know from all the questions that I asked that I may not get the truth. My point was, that I needed to asked these questions. Maybe it was also to show that things can be talked over, I was pushing him to face his fears. To lay it all on the line, no what if she knows this or finds out about that. I needed some type of closure, truth or not - I guess I have it.
Again, how do I feel. Kinda numb, a calm sadness that it has come to this. He definately doesn't want to burden me with his debt & this is his maybe, noble way of doing it.
So on with the D - I have an appt on Thursday to hand in the paperwork.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)