We are expressing differences in opinions without the fight and it is ok to have those differences. I am seeing more today how much I wanted things to go certain ways all the time to make up for the past. Decided that it must have been hard on exh and now current H to have to deal with that thinking.
I also heard today from him that he is just beginning to see things like: how what he did hurt me, how important it is for him to show me change not just talk, that I have needs too. Last night I forgot to tell how I needed some medicine and asked him to take me to the store. He agreed without any problems, then began joking about my way of inserting two errands into one. But when the first place did have it, I said I would have to go in the morning on my own. He said, no, you need it tonight we will go to another store. We did, and at first I couldn't find it, so he said well guess we will have to go to a third store. We did end up finding it at the second one - but it was different for him to want to help me.
Later he wanted to apologize for the past again as he says he keeps seeing more of the damage he caused to the point of being overwhelmed. Added that he is also seeing how hard I tried to keep things together for us - and says it is now time for him to show me what he can do right.
Again, a good day.
SO2,
It took a long time for me to get to the point where it didn't make sense anymore to live that way. Everyone wanted me to leave him, but I didn't want to be alone and I thought I could help. It was SIL that made the most sense to me when he told me how unhappy his father was - not with me but his life - he told me that he advised his father to be happy whatever it takes even if it means drinking and losing me and the life he has. I didn't like what he said, but I realized then that H wasn't happy and it wasn't about me. He did want to drink, was miserable without it, and that is when I began to let go. I did it gradually thinking if I can do this a little at a time I will be OK.
It happens in stages, and it is still being worked on, I don't know if we will live happily ever after or not right now. That isn't the point - it is how we get there or not get there.
I am a little uneasy, but there are definite changes that get my attention.
