My mind starts spinning with all of the things he has said or done since our separation and I start to cry.
When I told him our marriage was over last June, I was OK emotionally. I was upset, of course, but was generally OK because I thought that we were going to treat each other with consideration and respect.
Two days later he didn't come home on a week night (I was up all night and frantic) and I threw him out of the house the next day. He told me he slept on a friends couch. I didn't believe him, of course, but assumed that he got drunk and had a ONS as I didn't know about the OW. Every time we spoke afterwards he would make a snide comment about me being unreasonable and not wanting to have an amiable split just because he spent the night on Dave's couch. Why wouldn't I believe him . . . he would NEVER do that to me. He finally admitted in January 09 that he spent the night with the OW. TWO DAYS after our separation! What an pig he is! To have someone who once loved me treat me as badly as he did still causes me a great deal of pain. What kind of woman is she? I can't imagine ever intentionally inflicting that kind of pain on another woman.
Added to that is the confusion; the things that just don't make sense. Once on the phone I told him that I had my first birdie golfing and he wanted to know who I was golfing with. I told him it was none of his business and he freaked out saying "You're dating already! -- that's cute!" and hung up on me. A few minutes later he sent me an email saying that I was trying to hurt him and he didn't understand why. This was July 6th. On July 4th he had booked and paid for tickets for him and OW to go on a vacation to Cuba. It makes no sense!
In October, after my Gyn told me that he thought I had a STD, I called xh in a panic and BEGGED him to tell me the truth. Told him it didn't matter anymore, we are getting divorced, but this is my LIFE and I was going to have to wait 4 WEEKS for the one of the tests and he still denied, denied and denied. When I said, "I haven't slept with anyone." he replied "Neither have I." It makes no sense! He told me later that he thinks I was making it up.
I certainly hope he is having bad sex but you know what they say . . . even bad sex is pretty good. I hope he is having bad golf and bad hockey too. I hope he can't afford the hair-loss pills anymore and rapidly loses all of his hair on top so that he looks like a clown. I hope he can't even get an interview for a mailroom position. I hope he runs through his employment severance pay like a drunken sailer and ends up completely and totally broke. I hope he returns to the lapdancers and gives the OW the clap.
I guess the grief is less intense because I am no longer in shock but it's still pretty powerful grief. I can't believe this has happened to us and that I am left on my own to start again while he lives his happy life with the OW.
Hoping to see my girlfriend this weekend to discuss Ireland. I am not holding my breath.
