The Bumpy Road to Recovery #2

[Bagheera]

I want to ask, what does Mrs. Bagheera say/think about the "dealbreaker" part of this?

It's perplexing to her: it's your old lesson about how hard it is for a naturally LD person to understand a naturally HD person and vice versa.

"But we still love each other!" Yes, we do, which is why we've put so much effort into trying to make it work for the past many months....

"But it's such a SMALL part of our overall marriage!" To you, perhaps it is, but not to me.....

For instance, she has tried, very hard, but isn't really making much progress in her own desire level for more intimacy increasing. So...is it a dealbreaker to HER too? Does she want to be left alone to just be who she is, now that she's really tried very hard and knows that effort won't yield much more desire?

No. I know that she's willing to keep working on it, and trying to awaken her 'sexual diva' -- although that effort has slacked off with her job onset. I personally don't know how long this effort can be sustained before she starts to falter and feel resentful about it.

Is she willing to feel like you are behind her with a whip for the rest of your lives (I remember you said she described her feelings that way at one point)?

Yes, to a degree. It's rather like what LuckyGirl was referring to above in her quote from S&A talking about me. I DO accept and understand that my wife will always have trouble accessing her sexual self unaided, and that it will be up to me to frequently 'punch through' her resistances and other 'operating modes' to bring her sexy out. However, it gets tiring when this is the -only- way to bring her sexy out, and an often lukewarm sexy at that.

As a man, I also want some sexual enticement thrown in MY direction on occasion --> that peacock needs to shake her tail feathers at me from time to time, and get MY blood boiling for a change. I don't mind (and enjoy) chasing and conquering my woman, but I need to feel like my attentions are wanted and invited from time to time, rather than -always- having to hit her over the head with my club and drag her off to my cave.

And the other question, I guess she must know that this is a deal breaker for you, from previous conversations you must have had....does this frighten her? Does it make her not want to tell you how she really feels, for fear that you will leave?

She knows, directly from me this weekend. And yes, it frightens her. And yes, I feel like an ass admitting that's how I feel, but she needs to know what is honestly at stake.

....in a strange way, I am happy for Mrs. Baggy to be able to be honest with you. I think some wives in her shoes would simply claim that their desire for intimacy had increased, all the while, the husband would *know* it still wasn't what he was seeking...and she would just be trying to bluff her way through it. At least, Mrs. Baggy has the courage to be authentic and tell you her truth. Sad as that is to your marriage.

I honestly don't think she understood the implications of what she was saying, immediately. In her view, she still tends to see me as seeking only that 'physical release,' rather than the physical and emotional connection that goes with it. So since she's continued to 'put out' regularly for me, it didn't seem like it should be a big deal that her personal desire wasn't really behind it.

I also recognize that there is a bit of covert contract crap going on in my head today. After one and a half years of working my butt off to meet her love needs in all areas, consistently and for the long term, her physical desire for me remains stuck where it was when I was being an angry, withdrawn jerk? WTF?

Yeah, yeah, I know. It doesn't work that way.

-- B.