Well last weekend was great. I thought that it would be terrible just like it always is but my H really surprised me. We had a great weekend, went out with friends, spent time together, worked together outside, and my H even left me a love note in my wallet that said he was falling in love with me again. I was on cloud nine about all of this.
Then it happens... On WedneszdayI woke up a bit cranky cuz I did not get a lot of sleep, had a million things running through my mind and was a bit short with my kids and my H that morning. I had slept on the couch cuz I could not fall asleep until 2 in the morning. I admit I was not in a good mood at all. My H and I ended up in a what I would have considered a small spat cuz he had told my oldest daughter to do something (which I did not hear him say this to her) and then I ended up telling her to do something else (which he heard me tell her) and then he gets upset saying that I am underminding him about it. I get upset cuz I did not hear him tell her anything and it is a simple misunderstanding. She gets on the bus and leaves for school and my youngest is still home. My H and I continue to argue about this small misunderstanding and I get upset saying that I can't do anything right in his mind and his answer back to me is 'You will never be able to do anything right because you are a ni**er f**king whore.' I blew. He had said this when my youngest in in the the kitchen next to our living room which is basically the same room with a very large door in between. I do not know if she heard him or not but I was still mad. I left for work and did not speak to him him until Thursday. He was tryingto act like nothing happened. He did not apologize for what he said and still has not. Thurday goes okay but I am still hurt and mad by what he had said to me. Today is Friday and we are short with each other again today. he is mad about this and I am mad about that and it goes on. Well today I get called a cu*t and told that I am no good at being a green thumb type of person and that if I grow a garden then he is wasting money cuz I will let everything die. (I can't keep a house plant to save my butt and he is probably right but he has spent time with me planning a garden and talking about what we are going to do wtih it and has never once told me that he has no confidence in me about growning a garden or the flower garden that I want around the house this year) Also we have been talking and planning for planting trees on the north side of our house as a wind break. He informed me today that he thinks I will kill the plants becuase I will not water them everyday and that he does not want to waste the money on it since I will 'just f**k it up'.
Well I am really mad now and end up saying mean things to him too and the fight gets bigger and it gets out of control so I stopped talking to him and he goes outside.
He then comes back saying he has to use the bathroom bad. Whatever like I care at this time. he hollars at me while he is in there that he wants me to look up something on the net about water heaters and print it off. (Why should I is what I am thinking?) I go and do this and when he is done in hte bathroom he comes into my office and tells me that he is so very glad that I have done at least one thing right. I fall for it and asked what? He said that I had bought a very soft toilet paper that he really likes. Wow nomimate me for a freaking award.
Any suggestions on what I am suppose to do? How do you talk to a person like this? How do you handle a person like this? I want to make my M work but how? My H is gettting worse, my m is gettting worse, and I have no where to go.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Please go stay with your family. do not let your daughters hear your husband speak to you this way. They will think it is an acceptable way to be treated. He is abusive.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
Unfortunatly that is not an option for me. My H use to be a great guy. That is why I fell in love with him and married him. I just wish I had that guy back. I feel that the longer that we are married the more he feels that I owe him for the money that he has spent, the things that he buys, the things that he has done. I get reminded that when he met me, I was living in a mobile home with my two girls, no driver's license, had a dead end job, and bills that we long over due and some that were still mounting. Now look at what I have, large house in country, agreage, a good job, my driver's license, all past bills paid and have been able to keep up on monthly bills...blah, blah, blah....
Oh well I have been doing some emotional and soal searchijng this past couple of days. I am just going to take care of whats mine. I am going to dive head first into some projects that I have started but not finished. I am going to spend time doing what I want to do and having fun with my girls. It is my weekend for one of my daughters(she goes every other weekend) and unexpectedly I have my other daughter this weekend too (she goes 3 weeks out of the month and I get to pick one weekend to keep her). So I have decided that I am going to take them out for supper somewhere and then we are going to go bowling. Something that they have never done before and I think we will have a blast. I will invite my H to go along with us but if he want to be a bump on the couch then we will go with out him this time. No reason we have to stay home just because he wants to.
Thanks for the advise SoConfused. I wish it were that simple but it is not. I see by your signature that you stitch has gotten worse. I will keep you in my mind.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Well my H leaves for the job tomorrow. I hate to say it but I am happy to see this day. He will be gone for 12 days and will be returning after that for 9 days. I have been sleeping on the couch ever since he made that comment about the N F whore. I just can't bring myself to sleep next to a man that would say that about his W and then think that since he said it when he was mad then that makes it okay.
I have been feeling really down this last week. I feel depressed and like there is not an ounce of respect left in this M. I am exactly where my name says I am...lost in Iowa.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
My Ha has been gone now for ab out four days. Now that he is gone, there is less tension in the house and it feels eaisier to breath.But I already miss him. I am so helplessly lost. He has not called me once since he went to work. I called him about the water heater and about the stove and we talked about that. He got upset with me because I told the installer to cap the gas (we are going electric) at the plase that my H told me that we sould cap it. We lo and behold, I should not have done that because my H could have done that himself when he got back and now I have cost him extra money. Well I guess he should have told me that. I said that he did not tell me and he said that I did and that I just never listen to him when he talks. great, it's my fault now. I tried to do the DB techs by not arguing with him and just saying okay but then he went on to tell me that I can never do as he ask me to do and will I ever get it right. I just said that since I was a n**er f**king whore that I can't think straight like him and hung up. I know that I did not make the situation any better but I have had enough and I am to the point where I want to quit trying and just start actin like I am in the M by myself and just deal with myself and my girls and not worry about him. Does any one out there have any advice for me besides living with some one else, leaving, or getting a divorce. I have thought of MC on my own and maybe ask him to come along later, I have a life when he is around and when he is not around. I pretty much just do what I want and tell him about it anymore, asking him if he would liketo join me.
ANY advice or help please????
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
my advice would be to buy & read & implement some strategies from Patricia Evan's books about verbally abusive men.
Some other good ones to help you regain some of your 'power' or sense of power in the relationship would be "the language of letting go" by Beattie
I would also highly suggest finding either Al-anon or co-dependents anonymous meetings & attending regularly.
There are domestic violence (he doesn't have to be hitting you for it to be violence) support groups in almost every community. Find one & attend their meetings.
I would still highly recommend you have in place an action plan (hidden car keys, cash, clothing, with a family member or friend on alert for sudden houseguests) for leaving quickly if his abuse becomes escalated.
As an abuser is confronted with his actions (directly or indirectly) they become even more enraged and more dangerous.
keep posting... keep track of what works & what doesn't... of course.. what works probably depends on your goal.. which is??
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
My H use to be a great guy. That is why I fell in love with him and married him. I just wish I had that guy back. I feel that the longer that we are married the more he feels that I owe him for the money that he has spent, the things that he buys, the things that he has done. I get reminded that when he met me, I was living in a mobile home with my two girls, no driver's license, had a dead end job, and bills that we long over due and some that were still mounting. Now look at what I have, large house in country, agreage, a good job, my driver's license, all past bills paid and have been able to keep up on monthly bills...blah, blah, blah....
This is what narcissist abusers do. They "act like" a great guy. He met you, you were in not so good a situation, and he "acted like" a great guy until you fell in love with and married him. Now you have the real guy. The mask is gone.
A great guy does not eventually call his wife, or anyone else, a n***er f***ing whore, or a c*** for letting plants die. You cannot get the great guy back, no matter what techniques you use or how hard you try...because he does not exist. He never did. It is very hard to accept when it seemed to be real. He will leave you love notes on occasion if necessary to keep you reeled in to his bullsh!t.
I am so sorry you are going through this. The reason it doesn't make any sense to you, is because it doesn't make any sense to a normal person. You are the normal person in this scenario.
Please take Bridgestone's advice about the Patricia Evans book, and safety measures, etc. And I would spend some time reading up on narcissism and sociopathy and abuse.
My H use to be a great guy. That is why I fell in love with him and married him. I just wish I had that guy back. I feel that the longer that we are married the more he feels that I owe him for the money that he has spent, the things that he buys, the things that he has done. I get reminded that when he met me, I was living in a mobile home with my two girls, no driver's license, had a dead end job, and bills that we long over due and some that were still mounting. Now look at what I have, large house in country, agreage, a good job, my driver's license, all past bills paid and have been able to keep up on monthly bills...blah, blah, blah....
This is what narcissist abusers do. They "act like" a great guy. He met you, you were in not so good a situation, and he "acted like" a great guy until you fell in love with and married him. Now you have the real guy. The mask is gone.
A great guy does not eventually call his wife, or anyone else, a n***er f***ing whore, or a c*** for letting plants die. You cannot get the great guy back, no matter what techniques you use or how hard you try...because he does not exist. He never did. It is very hard to accept when it seemed to be real. He will leave you love notes on occasion if necessary to keep you reeled in to his bullsh!t.
I agree with this. You deserve SO much better than this, Lost. SO much better.
And is this what you want to teach and model for your daughters about how a woman is to allow herself to be treated??? Little eyes do watch us.
I agree with everything that has been posted lately. Thanks for the posts. I have started implementing a 'get out quick' plan. I have car keys elsewhere, and a few other items. Plus I have a friend in another state (which is only an hour from me) that is helping to keep money for me. My H has no ides where she lives or how to even get a hold of her so that is why I chose her. I have a few books that I have been reading about marriages and some have things in them about abuse but they don't seem to cover the issues that I have. I will have to check into getting some of the books that you have suggested, Bridgestone. I have been checking around also about support groups in my area and so far I have not found one that is fits my needs. Maybe if I can get through all of this I will start one of my own!!
They have all suggested seeing a marriage councelor or divorce or staying with family. So far the MC is about the only route to try to save this marriage. I don't think my H would willing go to it but I can always do it on my own with out him.
I worry all the time about what little ears and eyes hear and see in the house. I try to think of that when my H and I are arguing. I know that they see me upset, and that they see me sad and they have to know what it is from. They may need counceling too if it keeps going on like this.
My H showed some of his true colors and controlling ways tonight on the phone. He wanted me to say sorry about something that I said to him almost two months ago. So I said "I am sorry for saying that." Yes my exact words. He then said that I needed to say exactly what I was sorry about. So we got into it about the fact that my apology was not good enough. I finally said that I would repeat word for word what he wanted me to say so that I could get it right. He said and I was repeating it word for word until the last word..."I am sorry for not swallowing". I did not say the last word instead I was dumbfounded and asked what the hell that had to do with anything. he said that he always thought that I should apologize for not doing that. I then got upset and said that he needed to grow up and that I was suppose to be apologizing for what I had said before. he then said that there was one more thing that he wanted me to say sorry for first and did I want to try again. I said no and hung up.
Is this as crazy as I think it is? I asked him if he knew any other man that called his wife the things that he has called me and he said yes that other men where just like him and called thier wives the names that they, the wives, were acting like. My next ?'s went back to back...When was I acting like a n***er f**king whore and how many are still married to that wife? He did not have an answer. Chalk one up for me......
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
