My thread "Please please need some advice about "OM"" has been locked. Not sure why that happens. But starting a new thread here.
Startingover, well deserved 2x4s you have given me. Yes, I have been chasing after my H and I feel it, I know it, and he has certainly shown me that he has no interest unless it is to cake eat. Yes, H's affair with OW has been going on a very long time, 5years on and off, and I have given him several chances. In fact I think I have been the one holding out that I want my marriage to work nonetheless, and he has not done any work to make it work. Within the span of the 5 years OW has gotten married as well, which H thinks was to prove a point to him. Her H also left her and I am sure it is becasue of my H's involvement with her. In my own calm moments I sometimes feel that my H and her deserve each other. They both have no morals whatsoever and seem to not give a damn about other people's feelings. I also know that their A has gone on so long because I have been there with H as his security blanket. OW is young and doesn't have anything solid going for herself and H and I have tons (an investment, a house, and a side business), but H is insecure about this becasue he says everyone thinks that its all because of me. But believe me, I think I have always gone out of my way to show appreciation for all that H has done, although things got really messy in the A arguments.
So anyway, I think it is absolutely true that I need to stop chasing him. It's unbelievable what little control of my emotions that I have had. So, I am really disappointed again in myself here and thought about not even posting about what happened last night, but keeping it from you guys would only be lying to myself so here I go:
So remember I sent H the text yesterday saying that he is dead to me and vowed that I would go dark from there on. I didn't. Loser I am, I know. So I first had to text H about the amount of money that the people who were renting from us yesterday owed and then I asked yet again for him to transfer the money to pay his portion of some joint bills. I had a movie night over at a girlfriend of mine and H called me to confirm the amount owned. Anyway, when leaving the movie night and my emotions were calmed down, I felt like I didn't like how I behaved with H earlier and thought about what Michele said that if things get out of whack we should apologize so that our spouses know that this is not the usual. So silly stupid me, called H to do so. I started out by saying sorry about my behavior earlier its just that I get a little emotional and that my feelings are just hurt. And he said don't worry about it, its forgotten. But his tone was that he was blowing me off. And I said, hey, I am trying to come to you nicely and you are closing communication and he said look forget it you said this the last time. And I was insisting on saying what I had to say and he insisted on not talking to me, and then he hanged up the phone. Me, being the fool, kept calling him back cause by then I was pissed off. And he ignoring my calls and what an ass I am cause as usual I kept calling. I left him a message and then sent a text saying "you are truly not a nice person. Good luck with that. Thx."
The bottomline, this all made me feel better to realize (again) that H is really not nice at all. I have totally tolerated a lot of bad treatment from this guy. He was the one that did me so dirty and he's a big ass about it. I actually don't think that there is anyone that I know in my life who would treat me this way or who I would treat like that. I mean I was going to this man apologizing for losing it after he has hurt me immensely and he then acted so nasty. Last night after this whole episode as I'm driving home all I was thinking is that NO, this is just not cool. You can't treat people this way. It's just not right. OW deserves him.
So I came home and pulled out Divorce Busting and started to reread the LRT. I have not backslided, I have sumersaulted back. I definitely need to make changes for me. For my mental well being. I actually was doing much better than how I am now. I think it was the reestablished communication and intimacy with H that has gotten me back here. The funny thing is that I am sooooo scared of myself. I keep going down this road with this man who so does not deserve any of my goodness.
My prayer today: God please help me to be strong. Help me to not allow myself to continue to get into these situations where I am allowing and enabling my husband to treat me badly. Lord help me to stand for your believes and to know that my husbands behavior is not of you and therefore I should not tolerate nor condone anything that is not of you into my life. I put my life, my future into your hands and ask that you continue to remind me that All Things Work Together For Good. Amen
Your H knows that contact and intimacy will suck you back in...he just doesn't care. He truly has the best of both worlds. He has OW and his son and he has you to sleep with and be there to inflate is overinflated ego.
You can do this....move on without him. If he comes around then reevaluate then. If not, then you are happier.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Starting, I can't say that you are telling a lie. H does know how I feel about him and he uses that. I just wish that this was easier. I'm 31 and this is truly my first heart break (H and I got together when I was 16) so I guess that's what makes it harder for me to release and let go. I am trying to move on, honestly I am. I just hate that I get sucked in so easily. My Imother says that I'm learning a hard life lesson and I guess so. I've actually been considering doing the divorce and stop prolonging the agony. But I go back and forth with that. Then I think about starting to date in hopes that having someone else in my life I wouldn't care what the hell H does. But I go back and forth with that too.
By the way, I forgot to anser your question, H and I have been separated since Sept. 08.
Also, based on his actions, I do think H has made up his mind that he wants to be there with OW. But I also think he wants to keep me waiting for what if. He knows that OW isn't the marrying type-- actually, I don't know anymore what he knows, so I really need to stop speculating.
Thanks for the advice and 2x4. It truly is needed. So, I'm starting over again too. Trying to reclaim my sanity from today. New week, new month. Please pray for me. Thanks.
I've actually been considering doing the divorce and stop prolonging the agony. But I go back and forth with that. Then I think about starting to date in hopes that having someone else in my life I wouldn't care what the hell H does. But I go back and forth with that too.
I just think from what you've posted here, you dont' sound ready to D or date. D is so difficult and messy you have to be 100% sure to file I think. I know dating sounds like fun and doing what your H is doing would help, but I don't think in the long run it would be a healthy positive move or make you feel better about yourself. And I always wonder about the kind of person that you would date, that would date a married person, that wouldn't be the type of person I'd want to date.
You know what you need to do. I think you should try to NC as much as possible, go dark, get busy leading a really fun, busy life. Focus on you. What would make you happy? I kind of incorporated lots of 180s in my GALing activities, like I'm a wimp so started doing martial arts, and shy so started doing community theatre. The weird thing is it turned out I really like doing these totally 180 type activities, very fun, and making me feel good about myself. You have to figure out some good stuff too. Plus when you're out GALing you'll make lots of supportive friends too which is good.
[/quote]I know dating sounds like fun and doing what your H is doing would help, but I don't think in the long run it would be a healthy positive move or make you feel better about yourself. And I always wonder about the kind of person that you would date, that would date a married person, that wouldn't be the type of person I'd want to date.
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Hi Karen,
Yes, I actually definitely agree with you -- what kind of person would want to date a married woman and what kind of foundation would I start the R out on. What respect would I actually get if he knows that I am already married and still have not gotten over my H. So yeah, that is the main reason I have not dated anyone -- even though I did create a "OM" :). But even that I couldn't go through with feeling guilty and immoral. Can you believe that , guilty over a fake OM (smile). But sometimes, the saying "takes one to forget one" surely does run through my mind. But like I've been praying to God, I want to do things right so that he can send me the right relationship whether its with my H or not.
Thanks for the GALing advice too. I'm been keeping myself busy but I think I need to fill my life with more activities.
So I was thinking that I since I'm trying to make changes and go NC for my well being and I'm struggling with it. I need to be accountable to someone. And who better to be accountable to than you guys. So my plan is to do my NC journal here. Please feel free to 2x4 me if necessary. I need to be held accountable and need all the help I can get.
Sun 3/29: H was suppose to leave at our investment property the $ from our rental on Sat. I went by and no $ was there. Contemplated over contacting him, but decided ah hell, I need my money. So I called H. Talked about money matters and the rental. Conversation was not as friendly as I would have liked - - got a bit confrontational. Need to work on being friendlier and happy when I do have to talk about business.
Mon 3/30: H called my job twice. I saw the missed call first time but didn't call back. Second call I answered. He called to ask why are we always fighting and he doesn't like that we fight so much. I think the call was triggered by me seeing H's friend yesterday to give him a t-shirt I bought from Cali. H's friend likes t-shirts so I decided to surprise him with one. Didn't bring one for H although I did buy some books for his son. H said that he plans on coming home but he knows it will be the same thing. He mentioned that I have problems too. I made mention that I don't want him to come home with me as his 2nd choice. I told him that grandfather (h's grandfather) told me that he said he has to see if things will work out with OW and him. He denied telling that to grandfather. I also asked him what do we always fight about. He said because he's not there at home and then I said when you were there what were we fighting about. Hint hint - OW!!! I also said that I know I haven't handled things the best either and I asked him what are my faults. He didn't answer, said I need to think about things. Bottom line: today its I'm coming home, tomorrow will be I'm not coming home. Whatever. I am still on NC quest for me. Will only contact about business. When he calls, I will answer sometimes. But will try my bestest to do this -- your support is needed as always. Thanks much.
Second call I answered. He called to ask why are we always fighting and he doesn't like that we fight so much. I think the call was triggered by me seeing H's friend yesterday to give him a t-shirt I bought from Cali. H's friend likes t-shirts so I decided to surprise him with one. Didn't bring one for H although I did buy some books for his son. H said that he plans on coming home but he knows it will be the same thing. He mentioned that I have problems too. I made mention that I don't want him to come home with me as his 2nd choice. I told him that grandfather (h's grandfather) told me that he said he has to see if things will work out with OW and him. He denied telling that to grandfather. I also asked him what do we always fight about. He said because he's not there at home and then I said when you were there what were we fighting about. Hint hint - OW!!! I also said that I know I haven't handled things the best either and I asked him what are my faults. He didn't answer, said I need to think about things. Bottom line: today its I'm coming home, tomorrow will be I'm not coming home. Whatever. I am still on NC quest for me.
So how is that NC??? ONE phone call and you get into all that R talk???
Ok, got it Pup. No answers. But what should I do about the business calls though? We still have a building/tenants and a side business to conduct together. I did tell H this morning that I think to not fight we need to just text each other about business.
And yes, the 2x4s are still welcomed.
And this is the reason for my journaling -- to keep me accountable.
For now, I"d let vm get it, and if it ends up being business, then return the call. If he starts to go R-talk on you, say "I prefer not to talk about this right now," and find an excuse (preferably a GAL one) to get off the phone quickly.
Ok got it. Tons of work to do on my part b/c I am for sure the R fixer. 180 for me. God, I'm actually scared that this will be so hard for me. Positive thinking, right?!!
