Hey Mike, it's been a while, it is good to hear from you - I've missed your replies.

Honestly Mike, I do want her back but I'm just not a fan of her behavior and I think I have to stand my ground sometimes just so that she knows that I have boundaries that can't be crossed. Name calling, yelling, fighting without reason, etc.

I also know that I don't want to go back to the relationship we had before - I know that wishing for that is wrong because it would ultimately lead us to the same path and same conclusion again.

I'm independant and can live my life without her and I can take care of my kids while working full-time and managing the household. I think I also need to show the kids that it's not ok to accept crap behavior from someone just because that's the way they are - people can be any way they want to be, if they want to be crusty, old & angry - they can be, if they want to be personable, loving, caring, affectionate & nurturing - they can be. It's a personal choice that people make, it's their choice how they want to live their lives.

I want my life to be a good one, in fact it's a requirement for a couple of reasons. First & forement, it needs to be a good life for me, really it does. And that good life can include her but it doesn't have to. I need to live a good life so that I can remain sane & happy. For the 2nd reason, I have to do it for my young children: they need to learn that you can live a good & happy life and that it's not normal for people to want to hurt you & be angry all the time. Being happy is one of the most important things in life.

I also don't want to supplicate her anymore. I won't buy things for her & do things for her just for her to be nice to me. If I have to buy her love then I don't want it. It seriously is a form of manipulation when you think about it, and I want the love in my life to be given freely.

I was seriously a broken person when this separation happened to me, she had treated me poorly for many years, I literally had jump through hoops of fire just to gets scrap of love every now & then thrown my way. It made her feel good to wield this kind of power over me and I didn't like who I was when this was happening to me in the relationship. I felt small, weak, unloved, had poor self-esteem, didn't take care of my needs and basically took all manners of crap from her and the excuse was I did it for her so that she would love me and never leave me and I know now that this never works. When you allow someone to treat you poorly for years, they have no respect for you and can't love you properly because you don't love yourself and don't respect yourself.

I'm a different person now, I do love myself and respect myself above all others. I realize now that my door mat behavior allowed this to happen to me and I won't live my life like that again, it was too painful. I also can't do this because I was teaching my kids indirectly that this is what married life is like, one spouse treats the other badly and you get walked all over and disrespected. I seriously tear up thinking that this could happen to my kids and my kids need to know that loving & respecting themselves above all others is the only way they will find a partner in life who will do the same for them.

So to answer your question Mike, I do love her. I want her back. But I won't go back to the old "US". I can't ever go back to that. I won't go back to being barked at, the silent treatments, being a sex camel (everybody loves raymond, love that show, a sex camel can go weeks/months without sex), the constant arguing, finger pointing, you didn't do this, this & that (seriously I did everything and then some, it was never enough to work full-time, come home, clean home, do laundry, bathe kids, do homework w/them, make meals, take care of finances while she complained of working a part-time job and never having enough time for herself). I won't go back to her always being about herself, never asking about me, never seeing how I am, never asking about work, never talking to me like a friend, asking me if I need anything, want anything, never a funny joke, never an interesting story to share - she gives that energy to everyone else except for me and that is seriously boring & harmful at the same time.

I just won't tolerate that kind of crap anymore in my life, and she is slowly learning that.

Whether or not that brings her back to me is irrelevant. If she can't be a friend - heck I'll shoot for goals, how about my best friend, if she can't be loving, caring & nurturing towards me, what kind of relationship could i hope to have with her?

Yes I want her back but maybe at the same time I can be picky, I can say what I want in a relationship because i know what I'm capable of putting into it and what I want is someone to do the same and be respectful of that fact that a great marriage is made by great people who put great things into the marriage.

I'm not ignorant that arguments won't happen, they just won't be the rule anymore, they would be the exception.

Is anyone else seeing this finally during their separation from their spouses? You shouldn't be wanting things to go back to how they were. How they were is what you led you to this point in your life right now.

I want better, I'll get better because I am better. It's the new standard to live by, it's how to get the things you want in life because the only one holding you back is you.