I haven't posted in awhile, but I just want to jump in. You know my feelings on everything, and that I do have hope that you and your ex can get back together, if you are willing to continue being patient. One thing worries me here though. This is how much it seems that you are reading into the fact that he wouldn't have left you if you were the way you are now. While of course we all have some degree of responsibility for the problems in our Rs, I think this is probably a bit of a cop-out/way to cover his own guilt as if there was a legitimate reason for leaving you, something to explain his poor behavior. Yes he probably has seen you working on yourself, becoming stronger and healthier etc. and he is probably comparing this to the less than realistic way that he was viewing your R before, i.e. that there was so much that was negative. Isn't it the case that WAS's often rewrite history? Of course it is positive and good to hear that your ex is reconsidering things, but I just want to say there there is absolutely no way, IMO, that your ex left you "because of how you were." Maybe there were some things that he didn't like/didn't want to address that helped him to justify leaving you, but the fact of the matter is that if he had been in a sound, rational place-if there were big issues-he would have addressed them rather than just leaving. I don't think that you will be able to get a "good reason" for why he left for quite some time. You know that he was/is in some kind of crisis, and that has probably colored his actions for quite some time.
Regardless, I think things to be slowly tipping in your favor. Please just don't blame yourself for him leaving, or think that you could have done something differently.
Hope you're having a good weekend, ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Ali, istherehope raised some good points and I am sure what you heard will have been music to your ears, as you now have a possible answer and possibly a solution. But (always a but) and this is not a negative because I do agree with isthere I think you may need to ask yourself some new questions in light of this "revelation". You have already admitted / recognised that you had been depressed and I am not sure how much of that came from him withdrawing emotionally from you but none the less.... do you want a man who will bale at the first sign of illness or difficulty,this trait does not bode well for a lifetime commitment together,as one thing we can all be sure of is life is never plain sailing and we all have our down times. Will you forever have to be looking over your shoulder or wearing that mask afraid that if you have a bad time and show your true emotions/feelings at that time then he will leave you?
All this is speculation as he is still (whatever the garpevine says) with Helen and not making any movements towards you getting back together yet.So all this is in the future perhaps but worth a thought.
Interesting that the wife had such different views on Helen though. Maybe Cher and bf demonized her in an effort to make you feel better, friends do that sort of thing with the best of intentions because they obviously care about you. So whilst all this sounds positive news on the whole,proceed carefully and be cautious for whilst you have made improvements he(x) obviously has not and still has the same issues. Take care. ps forgot to say enjoy the rest of your stay, did you say your parents are returning with you for a few days if so enjoy their company. Well spose to be summertime today but distinctly freezing here oh well least it is bright and not wet. And I remembered the hour this year and didn't humiliate myself by turnin up to church almost at the end of the service.
Hey Simon.. yep, is priceless insider info! I have always been so lucky to get alot of specific info and she was very clear, it was 'straight from the horses mouth'! How do I feel? A bit wierd. I didnt get upset/happy/didnt really react at all, so guess I am more detached! I was shocked he was so open and honest (but he was close to her for 15 years, being his oldest BMF's W, J). I have said before, I havent so much GOT A LIFE as just turned back into the person I USED to be, and THATS what he has noticed. I was always very into my own dreams/hobbies before and did lots of varied things and he used to say I was the least boring person he knew. But I went through a bad patch of getting ill for 4 years with recurring viruses and anemia. Thats why MIL went on and on about how well I look now (she texted again today saying so!!)
J and BFF and my Mum and everyone is of the opinion I need to fight for him more, be more blatant, more in his face, ASK him to meet/go for a bike ride etc, instead of not asking as I am afraid he will just say no.
Hey Naej, I think it was an oversimplification, because there are major things I know about my ex that NOONE knows and J wouldnt, but yes, it does point to partly a reason. Also, I didnt explain so well then, but I dont feel Cher and G demonised her, it all sounded the same story. But my friend here J is 42 and just more diplomatic and generous, but the way she spoke about her correlated with what they said (G and Cher said, shes a nice enough girl, pleasant, but not right for him, as J said), but J admitted shes didnt want to get to know her. G and J also both said ex had said "no way" to living with her, so it all matched up.
He didnt leave me becuase of the first sign of illness.. I was repeatedly ill for at least 4 years (in winter, I was ill for 2 weeks, then well for 2 weeks, then ill again) and it was very very hard on him. I became miserable, low and no fun as a consequnece and very controlling of myself and my environment (wouldnt go places where it was draughty for example) and therefore put restrictions on him and his life that looking back were unfair and became untenable. Ironically, I could always be 100% myself with him and felt utterly loved and supported and secure and used to describe him as my 'rock' in fact! He was VERY patient and sweet throughout, but when we moved away, we had no friends, so he had no other distractions and then he had depression so it all got too much for him. I just wish he had talked to me more, is all.
I wouldnt humiliate myself for turning up to Church either, as I would no doubt, melt !!!
Hey ITH, nice to see you back! So finally.. yes.. I guess I felt a bit odd/disappointed to hear that he said that and I thought, oh, so thats why then, its MY fault? And why didnt he TALK TO ME !? But there is bound to be blame when you leave someone, clearly, you arent happy in the R, there are issues, so I take it on the chin. But thankyou for spotting that it would be bad to just blame myself and not see it in the wider context of his issues and his depression. And yes, maybe he is justifying it to himself?
One thing though, I believe him now when he told me he wasnt interested in her the previous year.. I thikn she fancied him and flirted with him and after splitting with me and being single for 10 months, she did take her chance at the office party. So, I have revised my opinion of that, which would explain why it was so long before he got together with her (but she must have been an EA).
But no, he wasnt in a sound rational place, he was very very depressed and told me Aug 07 before the bomb that he was dreaming of corpses and felt 'dead inside' and worthless.. so clearly, not in a happy place!
I am having a good weekend! And I got very excited... I have been researching phd's and MSc's but I think I have decided to do this PGCE PCET.. and then discovered.. that as I would specialise in IT, or ICT, that is one of the priority shortage subjects and is eligible for a £9000 bursary, and its a 9 month course, so I would get £1k a month to do it!! Plus other bursaries and loans and grants, equivalent of working full time, so I am very excited now and have been appying!! Feel like a future direction is starting to take shape.
The Goddess of love, money and values takes center stage in March asking all of us to be in our integrity with our money, our relationships and our core values. During this cycle it is time to reflect on what has happened in the past. What do you really want in your future? Are you basing your choices from your authentic Self? Are you willing to do what is necessary to achieve your goals?
The Age of Aquarius is the age of twin flames and soul mates.* This is why divorce is so prevalent and people are having record-breaking numbers of relationships outside their marriages. On a soul level you may feel that you are or are not with your twin flame or soul mate. You will not be happy until you get where you need to go. Remember, the law of attraction is always working; if you are currently married or with someone who is not the love of your life, then you may only attract a karmic relationship, i.e., one who brings great intensity and passion to your life; both of which are often lacking in settled relationships.
But, who is also married or seriously attached to another, this transformational shift requires that we be in our integrity. If we want to be with your twin flame or soul mate, we first need to clean up where we are now. We must leave the unsatisfactory, outgrown partnership for Self not for another person. In truth, the biggest relationship and the longest relationship you will ever have is with Self. How is it going with you? Are you compatible with Self? Or is there a lot of infighting going on with you? How can you receive great love if you don't love you? Warts and all give you a big hug-love you.
Only love is real and everlasting. The healthier, happier and freer you are the more attractive you will be to your soul mate. If where you are going is to the love of your life. Don't you want to heal and strengthen you first to make yourself attractive to your one and only?
What did I miss? Ask him what? To marry you? Sell the houses? What?Joking...
Just wanted to add my -not so valuable- oppinion, we'been through this before... Going back to finding the reason why he left, almost 2 years ago, doesnt serve anything of the present IMO. I think you KNOW why he left and having an interest on a girl sure made it easier if you ask me. Also, people dont live their spouses when serious illnesses appear when they are committed. Or at least they shouldnt.
Stop excusing him and see him for what he realy is. That is the man you love, he is a weak, spineless boy, selfish and immature and you still love him and want him back. Nothing is wrong with that, except the "no-sex in the meantime" part... S
I think your ex is in the place my H was in for quite some time, where he realized his affair was only making him miserable and guilty and that he needed to change things, but, still being depressed, almost enjoyed feeling trapped and victimized. He went from being a pretty private guy to thinking that the most interesting thing about him was his agonized feelings about his relationships with OW and me, which became the subject many conversations with friends. He was in full teenage-mode still, in a wierd way almost enjoying the attention his drama gave him--perhaps because people could sympathise with the fact he was in pain without him having to face the hidden pain of his self-image and his childhood issues.
In other words, yes, he's making progress, but the fact he says he's had enough of Helen doesn't mean he's ready to take the next step: face the real reason he left you. Because, sure, you may have been sick a lot, or controlling, or caught up in your own stuff, or any number of things, but you're only half the equation. You didn't cause his feeling that he needed to run, or the apathetic state he'd passed into, or the dreams of corpses--that was all about his own issues. You didn't "fail" or "drive him away"--and equally, if he comes back, you won't need to do anything to "make" it happen. If and when they come out of the tunnel, what they remember is the person they first fell in love with, not the other end of the relationship.
I'm glad to see you're making plans for your future employment--that sounds interesting as well as well-paid! Have you been able to keep up with your fun activities as well? You sound so attractive when you're able to forget about your ex for a while and engage in your-own-life activities!
