WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 6

[confusedinpa]

Stuck808,

I didn't present it as this is what I want and that's final. I just presented it as the most recent thing I have been able to come up with. I worked in the fairness speech of how she's been thinking about this for a while and I've had a much shorter time to think about it. It would only be fair if I was given the same amount of time. So isn't that what's she's trying to do, is be fair?

She actually said that she was going to "work on herself" to understand why she feels the way she does. She mostly listens and asks questions during the sessions - that's her way, she's not a verbal thinker (at least not with me), which has been the problem over the years. She says that she's doing that to make sure she wasn't making a wrong decision - i.e. she filed for divorce on Jan 9th and can't find a reason to change her mind because she still feels hurt/neglected everytime she sees me.

Hence this is why I think she has this high flight urge. This is why she jumped at moving as soon as she thought I would be able to afford the house without her there (which is what she had been asking for months). In retrospec, I could have kept her in the house longer, by letting her go through the sale process (which would have taken at least 6 months). I don't think this would have helped as much since she would have felt trapped the entire time and how could she possibly consider working on the relationship while she is feeling that way. Who knows, once again, I'm second guessing the past, when I can't change it.

In retrospec, I see how the conversation turned pursuing. She initiated it and I should have just stopped at "No, I'm not sleeping" and left it at that. Instead, I got worried she thought I was ignoring her because she thought I was mad.

It actually came up this morning that she thought I was ignoring her because I was mad.

She had woken me up to get ready for work after she took her shower. We walked by each other - I thought she just sighed or groaned. I got into the bathroom and closed the door slightly. She then poked her head in and said "Did you not say good morning back on purpose?"

Me: "No, I didn't hear you say good morning. I thought you sighed"

She: "Oh, I thought you were mad and did it on purpose"

Me: This is where I make the mistake "No, I'm not mad". I guess I should have said, how do you expect me to feel, you want a divorce. Not sure why I didn't say it, perhaps I should have, any thoughts?

Our counselor has said that's been part of our problem, we've been so worried about making each other mad during our relationship, we walked on eggshells around each other during most of our relationship. This resulted in a very weak relationship with little/no connection. My wife says since there is so little to build on, there is no point in trying again. I disagree, as we have kids, which is the biggest point. She said she had been trying for years because of the kids. Problem was, she knew I wasn't trying since I didn't see an issue. Now the problem is that we both see the issue, but she's tired of trying.

Odd part of the morning is after that dialog, I saw her in the kitchen and we joked around like everything was fine again.

Oh well, the separation is the last chance for her to find a way to try again.