Just keep swimming...PH #6

[pearlharbr]

It's late, I'm itching like crazy, but I know most of you are ahead of me a couple hours so I wanted to get something down for your thoughts.

So when I got home xBF was here waiting for me. He said he bought things to make dinner or he would leave. I said no, dinner was fine as long as I wasn't the one cooking it. He laughed and said no, he would cook. It was very awkward at first, much silence, then moved onto small talk. This was the conversation for a while, updates on friends, family and the cats. He asked about my tap class and guessed I was in SF with my family (the bug bites).

We were sitting downstairs on the sofa when he brought up the taxes. He asked if I had a problem signing over my share of the partnership. Yes, I do because it's part of a whole settlement that hasn't been determined yet.

This starts the big R talk. So that means I'm not going to try? I haven't decided yet. It went on from there.

Talked probably more than I should have about OW. Zero contact is a prerequisite, he's had contact with her within the last few days so that's not promising, how do I know he won't go running to her the first time I say/do something he doesn't like? He hasn't proven to me that she's out of the picture but I don't know how he can do that to my satisfaction and neither does he. But I did state clearly that if there is so much as one more email/txt/vm/etc then I am done forever.

Another issue that needs to be addressed is the financial settlement. Since I don't know what caused this sudden change of heart I suspect one reason is he's decided it would be cheaper to keep me than get rid of me. Said I'm not out to take him to the cleaners but that we were building a future together and if it's not going to be that way then I deserve my fair share. His idea of fair share is of course less than mine since he counts paying off my credit card debt and car as my share of assets. Not sure how I feel about this but told him if he's being honest with both of us then write it up so we have it on paper now. I don't want things to get uglier if I decide I don't want to pursue the R.

It's been all about him during all of this: HE wasn't happy so HE turned to OW and had an affair, then HE expected me to allow him to cake eat while he figured things out, HE was mad when I kicked him out. Now HE wants to work things out and I'm supposed to go along with all of this. Where does what I want figure in the picture?

It's my turn to find out if there is someone better for me out there. But he has a problem with me wanting to date or have a fling. So it's ok for him to just walk out on me, on us, live with another woman for a month, decide to come back and I'm supposed to just be ok with it? Even though he said we were separated and I was free to date other people? His response is that two wrongs don't make a right. I agree, but it's so much easier for him to say since he's the one who did the wrong and I'm supposed to be ok with it.

I said I gave him everything he wanted because he said if I loved him I would let him go. So I moved on and made a plan for my life alone. Now I'm angry that he's come back and messed up my plans for the second time. I need time and space to figure out if I want to try and if I can ever trust him again.

So now I need to figure out what I want and what I expect from him. Do I want him to pursue me and prove to me that he's serious about choosing to be with me? Or do I want him to leave me alone to think? Before the R talk started he did ask if I wanted to do something this week. When I asked what he said he had no idea. I said I need to check my calendar.

I'm overtired and need to sleep on it.