Well this IS a familiar theme for me...but FWIW, I read somewhere that a third of divorces filed are never finalized... and besides there are those who reconcile even after div. I actually have two in my family, which is weird, I know.
In hindsight, since the move was lateral what was your objection? That the kids would be uprooted? Were there no advantages to moving to an environment that MIGHT be more wholesome or outdoorsy? I say this to point it out in case it becomes an option down the road. My sitch is best summarized in my signature block but essentially instead of colorado mountains, my h was nuts about Alaska and we had lived there in the 90's for the military and I firmly opposed going back. H had his reasons but to me, my desires to decide against this one move, after so many for him was ignored. This was crushing to me and a big departure from our early years when we were good partners. We struggled with it and he made selfish choices and ultimately I still did give the place another try--AFTER H made huge changes that I HOPE are real and permanent. Long story short, Alaska did not work out for H, for many reasons unrelated to me, (But my desire to leave WAS finally enough--but I wanted H to see reasons OTHER THAN ME for HIM TO CHOOSE to leave that place, as weird as that sounds...I just wanted the whole thing really out of his system and not be blamed for it 10 years from now)....His "discoveries" were almost ALL things that I had recognized and brought up 30 times before he left But it was like talking to my plate of carrots as far as getting through to him....
Now there is no need for me to say that, b/c for the most part I think he's embarrassed. But Is the mountain area your h likes so much pricier? What are the chances he'll NOT want to stay there? If without you and the kids? Did he want kids of his own, or did he enjoy being with the kids as a step dad? My H was apart from us a lot longer than I thought he would be, before he got too lonely and started opening his eyes to what makes him happy. That sucked but at least I don't worry that he'll want to rush back there again. I think it is OUT of his system. But while he was focussed on it, nothing I said could get through. I argue for a living (am a L) and it drove me crazy to see intelligent rational OR Emotional pleading even by our children, fall on deaf ears. However I will say that just b/c they don't call, does not mean they don't think of you or miss you. You can't erase that many years overnight.
But then my H just could not hear me. He had to be alone enough to figure it out.So I GAL, tried to be a woman only a fool would leave, and made plans for a life without him and parts of that became increasingly appealing to me. IN fact, I believe within a month of my taking a trip with the kids overseas without h, and sending out applications for jobs in ITALY, without it being a "tactic" he seemed to call noticeably more. A month after our return from the trip, he started asking me to join him in the Tundra, then "begging" etc. In some ways I feel I wasted so much time resisting but his idea was really an expensive one. I'm glad we didn't lose our home...mainly I would not uproot d20 then in her senior year of high school. No regrets there. But h has some repair work on that R for sure. At least he knows this now, and wants to do it.
Sometimes I think if we had compromised earlier, he could have spent somee months away up there and then gotten it out of his system. Sounds crazy and it would have been, but I now WONDER if he would have lasted there for less time, and been away less time, if I had just said "go ahead" see you every few months. That appalled me, and would have felt terrible and just wacky. But what I just went through was pretty crazy and damn long, too....
Read the book and think of what he fell in love with when he met you, including the parts about the boys. Take sandi's advice b/c it's very helpful, though tough. OH Do the kids like the snow at all? See if they can share some time without you there....but be ready for the "talk" coming...be involved and make sure the kids know they are NOT the burdens they'll feel they are. Don't tell THEM that you should have made H more of a priority, if you know what I mean
Good luck, but be prepared for a long roller coaster ride if this is MLC. iF it's your basic OW....those R's rarely last, for what it's worth and I think the average length is 6 months but I don't know when the "clock starts" on that.
Sorry you are here, but you are in the right place.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
