True Love or True Fog? Part II - The Fertile Void

[Belle]

Silver Fox

Wanted to stop by and see how you are doing on the eve of the big day.

I read your letter and I thought it was really good.

But then again, I know nothing about getting divorced or mediators or lawyers......

I believe you need to mention the OW. To leave it out would seem weird as you have figured out that this is why he moved out and he filed for D.

I will be thinking about you tomorrow and I hope that everything goes how you want it to.

I'll say some prayers.

Good luck!

[pearlharbr]

Silver,

Sorry I haven't been keeping up. I liked your letter, think it explained the whole of the sitch. I do like the idea of adding more about the extent of the house sitch since it is the main point of business but I know the meeting is today so you may not have time.

I'm sending good thoughts your way - be strong!

[SmileysPerson]

Hello Silver: I haven't posted on your thread before, but the title ("True Fog") was irresistible.

So after working my way through the posts to your letter, I think I would be inclined to split the difference on OW -- mention OW, but things like "extreme" attention to her I would leave out. First, what's the definition of "extreme"? Second, it implies that you know he's paying "extreme" attention to her -- i.e., you're spying.

You could put in the escape clause "my perspective is" or "from my point of view" if you really wanted to stick that kind of needle in, but what I like about your letter is that it just lays out the facts. When it gets to OW and, to a lesser extent, H's presumed irresponsibility in not fixing up the house, the tone becomes a bit more wounded-woman -- and I'm not sure that's the effect you're going for.

[Silver Fox]

Thanks Belle, Pearl, and Smiley,

My appointment is at 3:30 so I have a little time to edit the letter. Thanks Smiley, so glad to have your opinion and it's duly noted - I will be more careful with the "wounded woman" - it's definitely not what I want. I wish I could find my first thread so you could read it too. His involvement really is extreme - I'm not exaggerating. And early on he told me all about her and their relationship - I didn't need to spy at all. But I'll take another look at it.

I'll check in tonight!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thanks Kassie,

I appreciate your support and advice. I may add more about the house but I was trying to keep it to one page - short and to the point so the mediator can read it and quickly grasp the situation.

I don't know how I can avoid mentioning the OW or if I really should? The extent of his involvement with her is EXTREME and he's lost all sense of responsibility. I feel like the mediator needs to know this.

Thanks again Kass.

I would also like to hear from some oldtimers. Puppy, Gucci, are you out there?

"OLDtimers" -- why I oughtta . . .

Silver Fox, I wouldn't change hardly a word of it. I might change "complete, extreme enmeshment" to just "enmeshment" or "total immersion" or something less defensive, but other than that, I think it's fine.

And I definitely think you SHOULD mention the affair. Not sure if you're in a "fault" state or not, but even if it's no-fault, it goes straight to some of the core issues like finances (where he's squandering marital assets on visits to the OW) and the condition of the house (he's visiting OW when he should be helping to get the marital home into a state of repair and peaceable enjoyment).

I hope that helps. I will say a prayer for you today!

Puppy

[Tawnya]

{{{Silver}}} I knew I wouldn't be very helpful so I'm glad the VERY youthful Puppy gave his 2 cents worth

LET us know how it goes today and you stand strong, look amazing, go in with confidence out the WAHOO..you rock..don't forget that

Tawnya

[Puppy Dog Tails]

[Silver Fox]

Thanks Puppy, sorry I called you "old"

Well, mediation sure is interesting. I saw H for maybe 3 seconds as he was sitting in the lobby when I walked in with my L. I shook hands with H's L and then looked away from H- we didn't even make eye contact. My L walked me into a conference room and H and his L went into another one.

Then the waiting began. The mediator was still in court and running late. At one point H's L walked by our room and stopped to talk to my L - they talked about turkey hunting (no, I'm not kidding)

At 4:00 mediator shows up - nice, older man, a real estate lawyer (good for me because he took great interest in the condition of our house - looked at the pictures and read with great interest my letter - said "hmm" when he read the part about H spending every weekend with OW and maxing out credti cards)

Then it all began. L told mediator we wanted them to make the first offer. Mediator returns and says no they want us to make it first. So mediator and L go round and round about the house/debt/retirement until my head was spinning. Mediator leaves comes back with a counter offer which was ridiculous then goes and comes back one more time. Then of all things - H's L comes to the door and says "hey guys I've got to run, can we reconvene some other time?" Um, ok.

As I was leaving with L he said - don't worry, we've got time, no hurry. I said but H is still in a hurry and L said - then he should have kept his L from leaving. He was obviously miffed at the sudden departure. It had barely been 2 hours.

I was strong. I channeled Joyce Davenport (thanks Puppy). I stayed firm on the house issues. And yes this is a fault state so my L is still weighing the pros and cons of whether to go to court or not. I was strong and I did look fine, but it's still hurting bad. I hope H can't sleep tonight now that he knows I'm digging in my heels.

To be continued.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

. . . and Joyce Davenport always looked so GOOD in heels.

Very good, Silver Fox. Remember: if he's in a hurry, THAT CAN BE USED AGAINST HIM. He may advise his L to do something hasty.

PATIENCE.

Puppy

[Tawnya]

OH my gosh {{{Puppy}}}} NOW I know what it is..you have a thing about lawyers..LOL..first Denny Crane and now you are going all "old school" (but not that YOU are old LOL) Hill Street Blues LOLOL..love her and Capt Furrillo!

{{{Silver}}}} SOUNDS like you did FANTASTIC..good for you and hang tough my friend!! Hugs to you!

Tawnya