SP - another thought if you haven't yet got it in your toolbox - and this is appealing for those folks who like to have something scientifically proven - "cognitive dissonance" - google it...
That's it - when SC posted it - that was the first time I gained any true insight into my W's actions and thoughts ...although likely the background etc was different - when I read it I also cried - as did a lot of men here I think - SC posted from the heart - and continues to do so... the bravery she showed by posting that has helped an awful lot of people to understand previously unfathomable things and to open themselves to the possibility that they are more than culpable in the situations in which they find themselves in - it certainly had a profound impact on me...
Of all the posts I have read on this board - that stands out as the most significant for me.
We can assume, then, that Mrs. Smiley has already envisioned every possible scenario of life without Mr. Smiley. We can assume, then, that she has given up hope that Mr. Smiley is capable of being/giving her what she needs.
We should assume, possibly, that it might take just as long to rectify the damage as it took to let things deteriorate. So, my wish to see a passionate move on Mr. Smiley's part would be the wrong thing at this time, right? It would be shooting beyond what she's capable of believing, right?
Boy, those soap operas really do a number on a girl.
Well....not necessarily...all I can offer is that the thought process SC was documenting and laying bare for all to see, was similar to the one I believe my W had experienced...it made me realise that I was a long way behind her and that my attempts at romance / wooing at that stage would unlikely be met favourably - indeed - every time I did they were met with hostility.
When I read SCookies post I understood why.
I definitely took from it a realisation that things were going to take a long time and that there was not going to be an easy fix! Most certainly- in my case, not a fix that involved a couple of months of changes - more like a couple of years of changes! It also woke me up to all the attempts that my W has made along the way - but that I had been blind to.
Like I say - it was the dawning of realisation for me - I will try to find my posts just after SCookies to illustrate...
Even if a passionate advance is met with hostility... Could it be of value here? Could it be penetrating in a good way on some level?
If a WAW has been yearning, stewing, empty for years, and then sees a glimmer of what passion could be realized... Could it help?
I'm not talking about sex here. I'm talking about Smiley opening the floodgates of pride and really showing her how much he loves her through words and through his eyes.
Sorry - It's easy for me to go back to wanting the opera.
Well - of course all situations and circumstances are unique...
I wouldn't suggest for a moment that my situation is a case study or par for the course - it could be that in Smiley's case you're spot on - and that a determined attempt at breaching the defences might well work. That will be for Smiley yo figure out...
What I'm offering is an observation from my experience and also an observation that if the opera doesn't work, thats not necessarily a reason to give up believing that all is lost - but that there is likely much more behind it that needs understanding before progress can be made - a man's knee jerk reaction is to fix things, show that he's fixed things and then to wonder why the h�ll things haven't sorted themselves out - and then seeing that things haven't improved to shift the blame and to throw the towel in.
In fact, a LBS's all too determined effort could make the WAW all the more wary ... "is this change real?" "why so much, now??, "he's only doing this now because he's afraid of losing me" - it all makes for a very difficult line for the LBS to walk...
My purpose of throwing SC's post into this thread, was to show that things can brew for much longer than meets the eye and that there are a good number of instances where the seeming WAW is not that - but considers herself to be the LBS - in fact there is another archived thread on this board which expresses this much more eloquently than I - just can't remember who it was though...
I'm all for opera...but 2 years on these boards suggest to me that its more likely to be lullabies that have an effect - soothing, consistent and harmonious...
I'm all for opera...but 2 years on these boards suggest to me that its more likely to be lullabies that have an effect - soothing, consistent and harmonious...
Interesting thought, that. If I had to put a finger on it, I'd say this is the way I've thought about it, at least instinctively.
Big moves, for whatever reason, don't seem indicated. Too Hollywood. Too 'As Good As It Gets.' Not that I haven't wanted to. But I just don't see them paying off.
Went to the movies with the kids so W could have some time and space to herself. She worked on the taxes (presumably, can't prove she wasn't texting her heart out to EOM), I did Dad duty. She's over there on the other side of the office. I'm here. We smile. We chat.
