I went out to see the calf. One born this morning at nine and the other was born literally 5 minutes before I got there. Nathan and Sydney got to watch Dan pull it out of the mom (it was stuck and yes we have a tool to help you pull the calf out!).
Anyway Dan's best friend Nathan was there (where our Nate gets his name). Dan was talking up a storm about the calf. I asked him a couple questions about the baby and he didn't acknowledge me. I would say, "This one sure is fuzzy" and he would say nothing then 10 seconds later he rubbed it, "Oh you are so fluffy!" Then I said about the other one "She found the udder, she's drinking, good deal." He looked right at his best friend and said "Well looks like she figured out how to drink, that's how it should be"...
So I went for a walk around the farm. I was gone for probably 30 minutes. I went all the way to the far end of the pasture by a tree where Dan and I went when we were only 19/20 years old and made love in the middle of summer right out in the pasture. I cried a lot thinking how different things were then, how we talked about living on the farm together even then...I pulled myself together and went back up to the yard in front of the house to say goodbye to the kids. Dan asked where i had been, said he had come to look for me and didn't see me. I said I went for a walk in the pasture by the tree you know where I mean..
He said yes. I told him I wouldn't be coming back to the farm for a walk again. He asked why but I started tearing up so I kissed the kids and left, Nathan could see I was crying so I told him I poked myself on a thorn on my walk (true, I did)...
I texted Dan (sounds dumb but it is how we best communicate on important stuff lately) and just told him that I would never be able to change his mind and that I wouldn't try any more to convince him of my love and support. That once we got the tax money I was going to file and he would be free. Then I said that the reason I wasn't coming out to the farm to see the cows anymore was because I did love them even if he didn't believe it and I could not bear to come out and see them when they weren't really part of my life anymore.
I will leave it at that, I will continue separating our finances. Just got a bill from the gas company today. Apparently the electric AND gas at his house are BOTH in my name. That needs to be changed ASAP. And I do mean it, I will file once our taxes are back and school is out, around June I should think. There is nothing left to do. I know I could just "distance" myself but I am tired of this song and dance
