Thanks everyone for the feedback. I wasn't trying to make anyone else give up, honest....I just see writing on the wall in my situation.
Kalni, how do I feel? Disappointed, sad, and honestly, pissed. I never allow myself to be angry with Dan in front of him, anyway...I try to explain to him how he sees it all wrong, which is pointless so no more cheeseless tunnel.
It really pisses me off that last night he asked, "Why did it take all of this for you to decide to support me and take an active interest in the things that are important to me?"
Where the hell has HE been? I have gone to cattle sales, I have gone to county and state fairs, cow shows, etc etc etc. Yes, I bitched about the money he was spending on the cows but a lot of the complaining is b/c he did it all WITHOUT including me, and I WANTED to be included? My whole life's plan/dream was to be on that farm with him raising our kids and I know I told him that many times. WTF... So I asked him, what about all the times I went to x,y,z or we did x,y,z.....He replied "Guess I just don't look at it that way"
I really want to just tell him to F off. I am just so frustrated that it is ending over his perception that I wasn't interested in being a part of it when on the contrary he shut me out and then complained that i wasn't there..........
He missed church again this morning, called and said he had just woken up at 9:50, church is at 10:15. Then texted me after church, "Were do you and the kids want to go for lunch?" Why does he keep inviting me to do things? Grr..
I told him I was planning to just make sandwiches, chips, pudding at home. He said that would be great and he would be right over. Then he was telling me all about how one calf was born this morning and another was on its way... (Didn't he say he thought I didn't care? So why give me the details if you think I don't want to be involved?)
So he just left w/the kids they are going out to see the new calf get born, He invited me out too I said I would come in a bit in my own car. I do want to see the calf but I am not going to keep doing this group stuff when he says I don't care about his hobbies/interests/goals. How can I be there to watch a cow get born but yet I am not interested...grr
I miss Woog and Mike. They could go kick H's butt for me...
Bbj, it sucks that he is still trying to make you feel guilty for his actions. Dan is a "serial cheater" and excuse me if that sounds harsh but it is the truth. Your "lack of interest" towards his business/dream is just a poor excuse. His choices are HIS choices only. Dont take the blame for any of it. Personally I find it cheap that he puts you in he position to explain and apologise for "not being there" with him after all this time you have been standing for him and your marriage. He knows better, he is just trying to feel better himself.
I dont know what you have decided to do, I would still give you the same advice:distance yourself and dont be a part of his life only the way he wants you to be. xxx K
I went out to see the calf. One born this morning at nine and the other was born literally 5 minutes before I got there. Nathan and Sydney got to watch Dan pull it out of the mom (it was stuck and yes we have a tool to help you pull the calf out!).
Anyway Dan's best friend Nathan was there (where our Nate gets his name). Dan was talking up a storm about the calf. I asked him a couple questions about the baby and he didn't acknowledge me. I would say, "This one sure is fuzzy" and he would say nothing then 10 seconds later he rubbed it, "Oh you are so fluffy!" Then I said about the other one "She found the udder, she's drinking, good deal." He looked right at his best friend and said "Well looks like she figured out how to drink, that's how it should be"...
So I went for a walk around the farm. I was gone for probably 30 minutes. I went all the way to the far end of the pasture by a tree where Dan and I went when we were only 19/20 years old and made love in the middle of summer right out in the pasture. I cried a lot thinking how different things were then, how we talked about living on the farm together even then...I pulled myself together and went back up to the yard in front of the house to say goodbye to the kids. Dan asked where i had been, said he had come to look for me and didn't see me. I said I went for a walk in the pasture by the tree you know where I mean..
He said yes. I told him I wouldn't be coming back to the farm for a walk again. He asked why but I started tearing up so I kissed the kids and left, Nathan could see I was crying so I told him I poked myself on a thorn on my walk (true, I did)...
I texted Dan (sounds dumb but it is how we best communicate on important stuff lately) and just told him that I would never be able to change his mind and that I wouldn't try any more to convince him of my love and support. That once we got the tax money I was going to file and he would be free. Then I said that the reason I wasn't coming out to the farm to see the cows anymore was because I did love them even if he didn't believe it and I could not bear to come out and see them when they weren't really part of my life anymore.
I will leave it at that, I will continue separating our finances. Just got a bill from the gas company today. Apparently the electric AND gas at his house are BOTH in my name. That needs to be changed ASAP. And I do mean it, I will file once our taxes are back and school is out, around June I should think. There is nothing left to do. I know I could just "distance" myself but I am tired of this song and dance
I'm so sorry BobbiJo. I understand your decision and I support you in what you decide to do.
One piece of advice, please do not speak to Dan even one more time about what you have decided to do. He will tailspin now that you have laid that out on the table. He will probably come begging. Don't allow him in. You need time and space and so does he.
In saying that, please don't rush into filing either. Give this time to sink in for both of you. Definitely keep separating EVERYTHING, but don't rush to file. Unless your are 100% sure that is what you want, don't do it. It's the final nail in the coffin, no matter what anyone else says about it. It's amazing what a piece of paper can do to a mind.
I know I don't know your full situation or your inner most thoughts BBJ, but having 'known' you this long here, I have seen how you have fought. You are a courageous woman and you will make it out the other side of this. Bruised, but not broken.
Love to you and your sweet kids.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I'm so sorry, BobbieJo. I know how hard you tried to hold it together for your family.
It's really hard to do deal with an H who is broken.
My ex was diagnosed as a Borderline Personality by our C. Not saying Dan is anything close to that, but I realized early on that I couldn't fix him. It's like everything is a trap with no correct answer to spring it open.
Dan's personality being what it is, you are right, once I file, that will most likely be the end of it. That is why I am not doing it yet. Waiting until we do our taxes (we are going to do them in Kansas City next Monday, that will be a fun drive), get the money back, and go on our Disney Trip the first week of June. So I have about 10-12 weeks until I do it.
I don't know if he will come begging or not. But I do know that this weird thing we have going is only hurting me as much as I thought it was giving me hope.
For instance he came over today when we got home from church, I had everything out to make sandwiches. He went and got plates, made the kids' plates, made his, and then asked me what I wanted on my sandwich and made my sandwich for me. He has not made a plate for me, well, EVER, I think. He will make his and the kids and get a plate out for me and leave it by the food. Or I will make my plate and the kids and leave him out a plate. It was just weird. WTF. And when I told him and the kids to have fun seeing the calf, he said, "I thought you said you were coming out, too." Why would he care?
That is weird, but actually not surprising. IMO, the thought that he is definitely losing you has put him into 'husband' mode. AOS, you know? Gabe did the same thing for a while until I put a stop to it.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I won't bring it up to Dan. I started to last night and stopped myself. I said, "You seem to be fine with my messages, that is good" then I stopped and moved on to something else. He said, "No, I am not. We just never have anything more than snippets of conversations at 11 oclock at night..."
I just said, "Well, if it is important enough I am sure you would let me know" and changed the subject b/c the kids were in the room.
Tonight I take Nathan to karate and then Dan is going to spend time with the kids after that.
On an unrelated note I booked the Disney trip last night. June 4-9 we will be in Orlando visiting the happiest place on earth! Since it is most likely the last family trip we will take together, I splurged on the Carribean resort hotel at the park. Last time when it was just Nathan and I we did the cheapest hotel, it was still fine. We will be at the parks 90% of the time anyway. But this hotel has rooms with a pirate theme and Nathan and Sydney will love that. Plus it is "Star Wars Weekends" while we are going to be there, which Nathan will love!
And I got the dining package so I don't have to think about anything, just eat when we want. We get 3 meals and two snacks each day...
OH I almost forgot. Dan did tell me yesterday that his boss is officially naming him the #2 man in the company and they are working out a new compensation package. He said he will be getting a raise that is almost double my salary. Just the raise. So he will now be making 6 times what I make.
I just smiled and told him I was so happy for him, that he deserved it for all the trips and long hours he has put in. Then I said, "You know what? You should just offer Jenny (girl who bought the family farmland) double what she paid for the place. Everyone has a price they wouldn't turn down, unless they have family connections like you do..." He sort of shrugged and said maybe and I just went on to tell him I was so excited for him, that now he could pay off his cattle stuff and start making his dreams come true.
He said unfortunately the promotion made him his boss' slave, basically. I just said, I know you hate your job, but if you sock this money away in 5 years you can just tell him to eff off and go live your dream...
So in hindsight without realizing it I validated/praised whatever and encouraged him to go live his dreams. It will really be ironic if he gets all those things he ever wanted but gets them without his wife there to enjoy it with him...
I don't know if I want to know what you were suggesting...
The raise is almost double my salary. But his TOTAL income will be almost 6 x mine, if the raise goes through. Obama might hear about it and take it from him first, though
It is funny b/c I was feeling guilty for some reason (don't hit me!) about taking the monthly amount that he wanted to give me for the kids, that is supposed to start April 1. I was going to lower it myself, b/c I have the checkbooks so I am basically writing myself a check from the old account to put into my new account... But if this raise is the real deal then I will have no problem taking that amount...it was more than the lawyer I visited once told me I would get. Of course those numbers would change with the raise, but maybe not since we are 'separated' already? Not legally, but physically...
But if this raise is the real deal then I will have no problem taking that amount...it was more than the lawyer I visited once told me I would get. Of course those numbers would change with the raise, but maybe not since we are 'separated' already? Not legally, but physically...