Hi CL, I am glad you got to the park. Do you do any puppy training ? I think recall is very important. I always train to a whistle then it saves the voice box! You could try him just in your garden to begin, as soon as he returns and sits give him a small treat then send him off and just keep repeating it. Never scold if he doesn't come straight away it will just tell him not to bother if you are going to be cross, so always use same tone of voice. You could also try him on an extending lead letting more and more out--I am not a huge fan of these but some people like them. I laughed about the poetry not prose comment, do I detect a certain rigidity to your activities is that why you like dancing so much because the steps are the dance. No variation well not to begin with. If so may I suggest letting your hair down and doing something completely out of your comfort zone. Find your inner child and do something wild and exciting. Howabout cutting the grass the wrong way or eating desert first. Sorry I am in a silly mood but you get my drift. You can also see I am a middle aged rebel in a quiet way. My d always says it's a good job her son has one normal G/mother (not me) but he has more fun with me.
BTW have you had your puppy snipped because he will roam after bitches if not and can make recall abit of a waiting game. Yes castration is another thing I'm a fan of.lol. Best go before I shock you anymore. Enjoy Sunday. (())
You are in control of this situation, maybe you just don't see it.
You are clearly detached and have made plans for your own life that do not include your wife.
This is somewhat different then just GAL.
Rather then confronting her or standing your ground and doing a 180, you have chosen to just avoid the situation completely by shutting off and hence the detachment.
I know that you have gone through an awful lot with this Woman.
I know that she had caused you much pain.
We all have different ways of coping, maybe you need to be in this place to catch your breath.
I just don't want you to become hard.
Sending ((((((hugs))))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
CL, dear, I have to go with the girls here...you don't want to be sulky and sullen (who does that sound like?). And though I don't think you were trying to be, it's an easy thing to fall into. That said, you have every right to do what you want and to feel what you feel. I know you'll be conscious of what that really is.
BTW, I giggled at the thought of you eating dessert first. I dare you!
You are in control of this situation, maybe you just don't see it.
You are clearly detached and have made plans for your own life that do not include your wife.
We all have different ways of coping, maybe you need to be in this place to catch your breath.
I just don't want you to become hard.
Naej, BND, and Aud,
I think I do need to be in this place of detachment to catch my breath and work on self-empowerment. However, I do need to work towards a peaceful coexistence, which includes friendly chatter. I am disappointed in myself for my behavior Friday night, but that is the past, and perfection isn't the standard I strive for.
I'm working daily on an acceptance mindset so as not to become hard, as BND fears. I respond well to author Tara Brach in her book Radical Acceptance, and her audio podcasts. I practice a Pause exercise for reality checks, to see how defensive I'm being at various moments. It's a continous struggle to not become hard, but I'm putting in the effort. Maybe that's why I'm struggling so much in the relational realm with my W, is because my inner struggle requires so much energy and practice.
I don't want her in my social life at this time. I need to be autonomous as part of my own therapy and personal growth. I don't think it could be constructive and connecting even if we tried to be in public together.
I do have doubts about the M. I'm not ready to file for D.
Don't underestimate how much of a stretch it is for me to go dancing on my own, and to develop skill as a ballroom dancer. A lady last night at the dance I went to, who remembers me as a beginner (I've been at it for fours years now), asked if I was still scared when I go to dances. I had the deer in the headlights look for a long time, and leaned on my W like a child in a department store. This is therapy for me, and to even think of myself as a dancer is an amazing transformation.
I'll take a risk, and let my puppy off the leash, at some point when we go to the dog park. He has been trained to come on command. There hasn't been opportunity to use the command, but it will be needed at the dog park.
Eat dessert first? I don't even eat dessert. You guys have your work cut out for you with this idea.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hi CL, Good to see you living up to your name and "listening" to all the comments. As I said just sift through until you find one that hits a nerve then you know you are on the right track. As for this;
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Eat dessert first? I don't even eat dessert.
There you go, try desserts,try all the desserts you never ate (small portions) and not all at once until you find one you like. I think you need a little sweetness in your life.
When you let the dog off make sure there is an attractive bitch dog attached to a nice looking lady owner at the other side of the park,then when you have to go retrieve yours you can practise your friendly banter skills.
I wasn't under estimating your dancing skills or your accomplishments. I am impressed as I love to dance myself. Maybe I wasn't clear. I was trying to make the point that ballroom is more formal dancing and rules to follow which maybe you are more comfortable with than just feeling the music. Whatever dance you do it should be (imo) fun, all of it, the interaction with the person in your arms, the eye contact,the rhythm.Feel it from head to toe and don't worry about mistakes. Have you ever tried tai chi? I really think you might like it and be suited to it. Have a good week. Can I ask if you and your wife shared the same sense of humour? I find humour is great at diffusing tension and stops me taking things too seriously when I get het up about things. It does help to laugh at ourselves,just a thought.
Just to continue my silly change ideas how about parting your hair a different way? Come on girls help me out here.
CL, I find it interesting that your wife seems to be reaching out to you more lately, but at the same time she has gotten more bold: having the person who you suspect she is having an EA/PA with actually in your house and she asks you if you want to socialize.....is she trying to get a reaction from you???
Matilda and Naej, Yes, she does bring the suspected OP over quite often. He is actually a friendly fellow who is going thru a D, from an emotionally abusive woman. I sometimes come home and find the two of them taking a nap together, prior to them going out dancing for the evening. He's supposed to be looking for an apartment to live in, while he's selling his house. She was complaining to me about his eating habits--too much sugar and junk food, and too much food in general.
My W asked me to show him some basic cha cha steps as he has to sit out that dance when they go out together. I decided I was going to work on a more cordial coexistence with my W, so agreed.
She is talking to me more often, instead of primarily via email, though no R talk. I exchange banter with her, but it doesn't change anything, as far as I'm concerned.
I've been invited to sit with a group from my Tuesday night venue, at a dance this weekend. I don't tell my W, about my social plans anymore.
I know what Naej is saying about dancing with the body, and not in your head, or being overly focused on getting the steps right. You can tell when a guy is thinking about steps versus dancing. It's a process.
Dancing without my W has allowed me to focus more on the fundamentals, which frees me up to practice just a few basic steps and combinations, so I can dance without thinking so much about mastering difficult combinations.
I have the same struggle with writing, in trying to reconcile learning craft (thinking) with creativity.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Matilda, I did go dancing this weekend. It has such a transforming effect, like Clark Kent into Superman. I can't believe I'm the same person on the dance floor. I'm getting more skilled and confident, and less inhibited. I joined my Tuesday night group this weekend at an event with live music.
My W left for the weekend early Friday evening with the OP. He said to me "have a nice weekend" as they left.
I met with my IC this past week. He says that I'm the one who will move the R forward by setting boundaries and stopping the dance of verbal abuse from my W. This will test the R, and we will see if she acknowledges her issues, and is willing to put an effort into working on herself. He says that I need to focus on my own happiness at this time. He also says that I have to be willing to lose the M, in order for it to have a possibility to reinvent itself.
I went to a creative nonfiction writing workshop this weekend. It was fascinating, and will serve as a catalyst with my own writing. The focus was mainly on writing memoir, though it applies to personal essays (my focus). I listened to a journalist talk about the choosing the right structure for your story, an English professor talk about doing historical research on your hometown and childhood to better understand the context of your life, and another professor talk about the line between fiction and nonfiction, and when memoir becomes fiction.
My W and I have brief encounters that are pleasant, but with no R talk. She talks about in general about making needed changes in her life. I think she's planning on getting a FT job this year.
The only connection she seems to have in her life is the OP. She is distant from her family, except mother. Her sister had a baby two months ago, and she hasn't even visited her yet.
I seem to be settling into my situation better this week.
I continue to do the PT cooking job. My W shows up late Sunday afternoon, to help pack the food. I then deliver it. She is often gone again, when I return from the delivery.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W left for the weekend early Friday evening with the OP. He said to me "have a nice weekend" as they left.
did OP have all his teeth intact when he left? I think you need some tango music playing to get you in the mood.
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This will test the R,
and what is that relationship exactly?
Quote:
I continue to do the PT cooking job. My W shows up late Sunday afternoon, to help pack the food. I then deliver it. She is often gone again, when I return from the delivery.
Why,why why do you do this. I know you have explained your thinking but of all the posters I have ever come across yours has me shaking my head. I am sorry CL I really am.I am not sure what marriage your C is talking about that you have to lose.
However the writing sound really good and I smiled at the not getting fact and fiction confused whilst doing the memoirs. I have been guilty of that and I think a MLCer would have a hard job recalling any fact. I hope you have a good week and I am not getting at you I really want the best for you but your wife and her disrespect just makes me so mad. (((())))
