PM Thread #4

[25yearsmlc]

Well Pos Mom,

that does sound as if you are in a decent place internally. What would be the advantages (leaving H aside for a minute) of moving? I mean, if you are getting work there, is it enough?

The other thing is that my h DID choose his career over us. He left us for a "great job" in the tundra and honestly felt that either he "deserved" to live wherever he wanted to, and or that we'd all "get it" when we saw what he could earn up there. But we did not leave, based on a number of reasons including deceit and the openly choosing a career over all of us was untenable for me and our children.

Off he went. Only it wasn't so great without us. And the R's with the kids suffered, never mind me. He got really lonely. He missed us. HE started visiting us a lot. He called daily at least once, if not more. (I visited him eventually, by my choice). He was depressed, frankly and he realized it himself while talking on the phone with me, saying he had gained a little weight and didn't go outside much (and the whole thing up there is the wild frontier, blah blah blah) and then said, "I guess I'm depressed"....

A year passed with me up there as well, and then we left. It was not worth it, in the end. Now, I have to tell you, he does NOT recall ever saying "I'd take the chance on losing my family to go for this job"....but I know the time and place those words came out of his mouth. I believe him when he says he does not recall that. But isn't that weird?

He stumbles with his priorities at times. But there has been great progress. In general, he is a better person now than before. No more victimhood, "I work so hard" etc. B/C as I told him, "if your energy in life goes to your work, that is where your rewards will be....not here at home or with your children....they 'get it' more than you know"....And so, I have seen him apply for jobs here, and now, in places that are close to home but not as "prestigious" as the other places. Truth be told, I'd move for him someday...but it would have to be ONLY after I felt that he'd do the same for us. There was a time that we were "real partners" and made ALL the decisions together and I see that time returning. But for now he has to prove that to me, frankly. Otherwise I am not uprooting the kids again, for his selfishness, let alone when it is irrational.

Oh, the "gold rush" up there? Cost us a fortune b/c they breached the idiotic contract he signed which I had advised against when he asked for my opinion. He ignored it. He doesn't really recall that either. He's embarrassed and there's no need for me to state the obvious....but he DOES have some serious repair work with the kids to do. Especially d20, whom he left while she was in high school. Missed her last 2 years here. Had we done it his way, she'd have been in 4 high schools in 4 years....(and this is after many moves in the military). That's insane, and so selfish, and I knew it, and could not stomach doing that to her when it all made so little sense.

Here's my real point. If my h had not changed, (and maybe his changes are not permanent and that is why I have not yet posted in "divorce busted!" yet, b/c I still want enough time to pass with the "new h" to make sure) I would not follow him or want to be married to him. Who would?

Being that selfish, to the point of deceit, was something that was never present in our marriage before, that I know of anyhow. And it was not something I could have anymore in my life. If H's new found values--which are the ones he had when we first married--are not real, or IF he goes back to being the self absorbed egomaniac "victim" again that his MLC was like, I'm done. Nothing punitive. Just the reality that I know I can be happy with or without him and I love him -and prefer him in my life, but NOT under "any" circumstances.

I will not be married to someone who acts that way again. Been there, done that. He's had his "episode" and I saw him through it and it was not a short time. But I cannot endure anything like that again. The lessons I'd be teaching my daughters would be HORRIBLE....That is huge to me.

Life is too short. But I am hopeful, very much so. Based on things he says and does now that are unprecedented. We're taking a trip next month to see our d20 perform and h started to whine about the missed work...so I had a calm but HEAVY talk with him...I pointed out a few things to him about the symbolism of him leaving a family trip early, again, especially with THIS d....and how short sighted he was being....and what message he was sending after all the poop he put us/her through ----and he put in for leave well in advance and that has never been done BEFORE, and he's taking the whole 3 weeks and we are not discussing "f-n" lost wages blah blah blah....b/c in the real world big picture, this trip is so important to the healing that needs to be done and a few days work will NEVER be missed in the grand scheme of things...and you know? He got it!...(Clap clap clap!!) But I was so worried, I started to think "Oh no, is he going down the idiot tunnel again? NO can do."
So, thank GOD he woke up or someone talked to him like maybe God, or his best friend who IS often the voice of God in h's life. Something got thru to him.
And now my hope is that my children will learn about commitment and forgiveness and loving someone through a terrible time and letting go of it and going forward in life...that is the legacy I hope we leave them. Maybe we'll renew our vows if things go well b/c I do like the ritual of leaving the past behind.

So, if your h continues to choose his career over you and even if he leaves OW, but still makes it clear that you and the kids will never make it an higher on the priority list....how do you see yourself feeling down the road about that? I have to say the kids learn a lot of negative things from these choices. Be mindful of what you are teaching them.

Don't get me wrong. I'm throwing things at you for purposes of thought and discussion. I'm not telling you what to do. But I think part of being "supportive"
here is checking ourselves and our fears and motives and making sure we are making choices based on love, not fear. I think you are certainly close to being there. I only wish I could know how you'll feel if you never get higher on his list than #3, with MAYBE the kids hitting #2....and that's possibly the best case scenario...

When my bil left my older sister, she was heartbroken. 3 kids, 22 years of M and she was always the giver and he was always the moody one, the 'taker'. etc. I found it ironic that he would be the one to leave. But in the back of my mind, despite her deep wound, I thought to myself, "someday she'll be glad he did this" and you know, she is. Doesn't mean that the pain on the kids did NOT suck big time. She'll never feel okay about what the divorce did to the kids. But her new h "gets" her. The M is absolutely the priority in his life. OMG...amazing difference in her life. I had asked what if ex h came into the picture (and he did try, btw, and said he "got it" and "F'd up big time" etc etc but too late, oh well) and she told me, "Now that I know what it's like to be the priority, I'd never go back to what we had..." Her ex did her a favor. OH, he remarried too. Told my sister his new wife is "high maintenance" ---and all I can say is "There is a GOD!"

I hope in a year's time I have put myself on the Div Busted site, (okay, maybe in 6 months...or maybe 4...we'll see) and that you are in the "piecing" phase. It does happen, and I did NOT expect to be where I am today. But just rememeber, life is short. That helps me b/c I am no longer afraid I'll waste it by waiting for someone who either won't ever come back or won't be worth waiting for. That empowers me in a good way. Make sense?

Take care,

(( j ))