She needs to have a better understanding of what she's going thru physiologically right now. She's very likely in withdrawal, and her mood swings are going to be ALL OVER THE MAP for the next several weeks. Having fits and starts during this time (and I mean going from TOTAL remorse to TOTAL venom spew) IS COMPLETELY NORMAL, AND EVEN "SCRIPT."
If she can understand this, she can be more patient (and you with her) during this time. COMPLETE withdrwawal will take up to 6-12 months, but this "hard withdrawal" period of the first few weeks is brutal.
I'd hate to see either one of you making any permanent (and even life-altering) decisions during this time.
Last night was going very well. We were having great conversation about "stuff." We were on the porch of a local Inn and were talking with other people. One man mentioned that he had a W and 3 GFs. My W spoke up and said, "Be careful, that will come back to bite you." He asked about that statement and she told him about herself and that she was still married. He asked about her H, and she said well he's right here, pointing at me. The man asked if we were trying to save our M; and she said well that's why we're here.
But in less than an hour, she started in on how she felt guilty on Tues. for kissing me and thought she was leading me on. That she didn't get any feeling of passion or romantic love from the kiss.
She started talking about how she's been delving into her faith and her Women's Study Bible about her life; participating on Family Life and Christian Answers. She's come to the conclusion, in less than a week, that God has gone from telling her to work on her marriage to leaving her marriage. I can't fault her for her feelings; but she thinks that staying in the M will cause more harm than good for all of us. She said that she cannot trust herself to be faithful; therefore she doesn't want to stay M'd.
About the OM, she still maintains that she's cutoff physical contact last Jan. But that they still go out and talk on the phone. But he's been pressuring her and says that he wants to marry her. She said that back in Feb. when she was thinking of coming back; she had told OM that she didn't want to hear from him anymore. But he only stopped for a couple of weeks and then he kept trying; so in her mind she loved someone, set him free, and how he's come back. And she doesn't know why! I told her that I had some ideas why and that I would keep them to myself. But she pressed for my thoughts so I told her that he's a 35 yr old mama's boy that's never been M'd. He claims to be a Christian; but yet he has no problem interfering with a M woman's R with her H and kids. And then I told her that she will have to deal with his mother; who called my W a "terrible mother." She told me that she had a long talk with his mother and they came to terms. W told me that his mother had carried on a 13 yr extra-marital A; but they're all stalwart Christians in the church.
These last six months, I have gotten myself to a better place, emotionally and financially. If I were to take her back; I've felt that she has not changed and I would be back to where I was last year. I've taken the leap of faith and given her my ear and a date because she said God wanted her to work on our M. If it were up to me and there was no God; we would have been done already. Outside of all the things she's done to me; what really irks me the most is when I hear her say that she's soul-searching for God and God has placed it upon her heart to leave the M. BOVINE EXCREMENT That's what I'm having the hardest trouble with today. Not that the M is on a path toward D again; but that she's being misled and making life-altering decisions on false beliefs.
OH....and about what's she's lying about..
It's not anything in particular; it's just the total inconsistencies in her normal story telling and banter. She's always had a habit of embellishment or bending a situation to fit what she wants it be. She was telling me stories last night that she has told me within the last week and several of the details have changed. I call her out on it and she doesn't recall any of what I remember. And these aren't even stories about us or our families; it's just mundane, stupid stuff. If she won't keep those stories straight; she'll never be straight with me in a M.
She's disordered, Tom. She's not in a fog. She's not going to change. THIS is who you married; this is who she's always been. She just couldn't stand it that you were comfortable moving on without her and had to pull this crap..come closer so I can reject you.
I'm going to disagree with Puppy and anyone else who thinks this is script from a WAW or affair. This is script for a personality disorder. I held my breath during this past week..I couldn't even bring myself to post anything...because I felt like this would happen. I am actually glad it happened quickly.
My advice, which feel free to take or leave of course, is to focus on protecting yourself and getting as informed as possible on raising kids with someone pathological.
She's disordered, Tom. She's not in a fog. She's not going to change. THIS is who you married; this is who she's always been. She just couldn't stand it that you were comfortable moving on without her and had to pull this crap..come closer so I can reject you.
She has always been this way; you are correct. That's why all the changing stories are a tip-off to me that she hasn't changed. I think she's just trying to keep me on her good side for whatever fits her agenda. I have my suspicions that it's just cake-eating; 'cause she even mentioned that and in those exact terms.
Quote:
I am actually glad it happened quickly.
I am too; that's why I asked for the date so soon. Better sooner than later. I knew that she had been going to Church with this guy and that's why I offered to meet her there. She accepted; but I knew that she would never go through with it. I suspect that if I had never initiated to meet her there; she would never had brought all this up last night. But as the night wore later and she realized that the time for us to meet at Church was approaching; She came out with all this stuff. After she was done; she commented on how the pit was gone out of her stomach and that she had diarrhea all day long because of it. So my guess is that she didn't want OM to see us there together.
Thanks for your support BW. and I'll be looking for that link.
Actually, I don't disagree. I do think it can be BOTH, though.
I definitely think she has some serious issues.
MC, this is why I wanted you to have a solid no-contact/transparency plan in place. WITH it, no, there are no guarantees for success. But WITHOUT it, I can almost guarantee failure -- especially for a woman with so much infidelity in her background.
She is being DECEIVED, by the deceiver of all deceivers. Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world.
More later; I gotta fly to S12's baseball game. I'm really sorry this has turned on you. I do NOT think it's over, however, unless YOU want it to be.
I could also fully understand if you want it to be.
The no contact/transparency plan would have to be in place; but I had to "feel" this one out before I demanded it because she didn't come off as CERTAIN that she wanted to put it back together. It was almost like she was wanting to feel me out.
My plan was to ascertain her desire to "date" seriously before I would make that demand. IOW, I wasn't going to ask for any more dates until I saw how this one went and I'm thankful that it did go the way it did. Because now I know that she's still confused as ever. I have to agree with BW on this; she'll never change. Even some in our Church believe that because they've seen it. I know nothing is impossible for God; but I feel she hasn't hit her bottom, if she's going to, to force a change.
Just some background, her mother is messed up and, while I don't see it, the W's stepfather says her sister also has some problems. They had a really crappy childhood.
You have to demand the "no transparency" plan for anything to happen. She may have been feeling you out....coming clean and working through everything she has done will be far harder than claiming God has "spoke to her" and bailing on the marriage is what He wants.
Puppy is right. Everything she said would be totally normal if she is still in contact.
I do remember the past posts you have posted about her, and I do know she has many psychological issues. I'll send another prayer your way.
I agree that a NC/Transparency plan is important. However, I've been down that road with her a year ago. It just led to lies and two different cell phones.
My plan on Sat. did what I thought it might; it flushed out that she's still in contact. This is how I've been approaching the sitch. Last year I gave her a roadmap back to the house. She started off well; but in the end couldn't do it. I told her last month that if she wanted to come back; I wasn't going to spell it out for her. She would act in way in which she thinks is appropriate for a WAW to act in order to return home; I, in turn, would make my assessment. If I felt that she was displaying an honest effort to rebuild; I would then lay out my NC/transparency plan, among other things.
Since I've seen no honest effort, only talk; I felt no need to even bring it up on Sat. night. I would've been wasting my breath.
In the meantime, I found a group in the Alt. called "Borderlines Have More Fun" Psycho bunch of women whom are glorfying their condition.
{{{{MC}}}} So..where do you go from here? Do you just say "eh..that's it" or do you continue taking baby steps with her if she wants them still??
I HOPE you are doing okay thru this and, one thing I DO know, however it turns out, YOU will be better than okay..because of your strength and honor and your character..
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
