My thread "Please please need some advice about "OM"" has been locked. Not sure why that happens. But starting a new thread here.
Startingover, well deserved 2x4s you have given me. Yes, I have been chasing after my H and I feel it, I know it, and he has certainly shown me that he has no interest unless it is to cake eat. Yes, H's affair with OW has been going on a very long time, 5years on and off, and I have given him several chances. In fact I think I have been the one holding out that I want my marriage to work nonetheless, and he has not done any work to make it work. Within the span of the 5 years OW has gotten married as well, which H thinks was to prove a point to him. Her H also left her and I am sure it is becasue of my H's involvement with her. In my own calm moments I sometimes feel that my H and her deserve each other. They both have no morals whatsoever and seem to not give a damn about other people's feelings. I also know that their A has gone on so long because I have been there with H as his security blanket. OW is young and doesn't have anything solid going for herself and H and I have tons (an investment, a house, and a side business), but H is insecure about this becasue he says everyone thinks that its all because of me. But believe me, I think I have always gone out of my way to show appreciation for all that H has done, although things got really messy in the A arguments.
So anyway, I think it is absolutely true that I need to stop chasing him. It's unbelievable what little control of my emotions that I have had. So, I am really disappointed again in myself here and thought about not even posting about what happened last night, but keeping it from you guys would only be lying to myself so here I go:
So remember I sent H the text yesterday saying that he is dead to me and vowed that I would go dark from there on. I didn't. Loser I am, I know. So I first had to text H about the amount of money that the people who were renting from us yesterday owed and then I asked yet again for him to transfer the money to pay his portion of some joint bills. I had a movie night over at a girlfriend of mine and H called me to confirm the amount owned. Anyway, when leaving the movie night and my emotions were calmed down, I felt like I didn't like how I behaved with H earlier and thought about what Michele said that if things get out of whack we should apologize so that our spouses know that this is not the usual. So silly stupid me, called H to do so. I started out by saying sorry about my behavior earlier its just that I get a little emotional and that my feelings are just hurt. And he said don't worry about it, its forgotten. But his tone was that he was blowing me off. And I said, hey, I am trying to come to you nicely and you are closing communication and he said look forget it you said this the last time. And I was insisting on saying what I had to say and he insisted on not talking to me, and then he hanged up the phone. Me, being the fool, kept calling him back cause by then I was pissed off. And he ignoring my calls and what an ass I am cause as usual I kept calling. I left him a message and then sent a text saying "you are truly not a nice person. Good luck with that. Thx."
The bottomline, this all made me feel better to realize (again) that H is really not nice at all. I have totally tolerated a lot of bad treatment from this guy. He was the one that did me so dirty and he's a big ass about it. I actually don't think that there is anyone that I know in my life who would treat me this way or who I would treat like that. I mean I was going to this man apologizing for losing it after he has hurt me immensely and he then acted so nasty. Last night after this whole episode as I'm driving home all I was thinking is that NO, this is just not cool. You can't treat people this way. It's just not right. OW deserves him.
So I came home and pulled out Divorce Busting and started to reread the LRT. I have not backslided, I have sumersaulted back. I definitely need to make changes for me. For my mental well being. I actually was doing much better than how I am now. I think it was the reestablished communication and intimacy with H that has gotten me back here. The funny thing is that I am sooooo scared of myself. I keep going down this road with this man who so does not deserve any of my goodness.
My prayer today: God please help me to be strong. Help me to not allow myself to continue to get into these situations where I am allowing and enabling my husband to treat me badly. Lord help me to stand for your believes and to know that my husbands behavior is not of you and therefore I should not tolerate nor condone anything that is not of you into my life. I put my life, my future into your hands and ask that you continue to remind me that All Things Work Together For Good. Amen
