Stepping out and Stepping UP!

[cagzmom]

I am so stuck - so very very stuck. I want to live - I want to move forward and I believe I am. But I am stuck in this newness of "Single". I dont feel "married" anymore. That is wierd. I can say "I am divorced" I can call him my x now. I remember when I couldn't do that.... strange how time makes that happen. But I dont know how to do this single thing.

He and I have no contact anymore -- he doesn't reach out for friendship- conversation- nothing. Not evil angry attacks -- nothing. He drops of d12 and picks her up and we have a civil hello or a short convo. about the plans for the weekend...thats it. And yes - taht makes me sad. NOTHING from someone that you spent half your life with.

I CANT pursue a friendship with him. He doesn't want it..adn I dont think my heart could handle that. It would WANT more - much more I know it - I can't lie. AND again, he hasn't pursued ANY friendship with me. When I think about it -- it is JUST LIKE a friendship with another person....why would I reach out to someone to be friends with them when all they do is reject me? If it were my daughter doing that with a friend I would tell her to AVOID the HURT. So - that is what I am doing.. avoiding teh rejection...and isn't it funny you still feel rejected.

In my counseling we are so focused on me right now and it is really really difficult for me. Talks of doing things just for me - for cagzmom. Taking time for me.. It puts literal knots in my stomach.

I need to stop it - just stop!
So much going on within me --- about me -- not about him and it is harder then dealing with the pain of him. This is wierd.....

I know I have to heal. Heal the hurt little girl. This is the tough part... this is when I decide to grow - or stay stagnate. I know I dont want to be empty anymore....but this is so much work emotionally.

ugh............