Just got back from my 24 hour retreat - it was really a great thing to do for myself - met some great men, got a lot of stuff out on the table, clarified my thoughts about faith a bit.
It was also 24 hours away from my W -giving us both space.
At the retreat, all of the participants got surprise letters from their family and spouses. Mine from my W was hurriedly and sloppily written and showed that she really did not want to write it. It said some things about appreciating that I worked hard to support her and the kids and the work I did around the house and that the kids loved me and needed me. It said she hoped we would both continue to be great parents no matter what. So that gives me a few things to keep working on - focus on the kids and keep up the help with the housework.
Other than that it shows that after 3 months of my DBing, she is as negative or confused about the R as ever.
No change in our R when I got back - I am cheerful and positive (or at least think I am) and ask about her day and the kids and talk about my Retreat and some of the things I learned. In response I got only simple, non-emotional, almost 1-word answers.
This morning I pulled her into a snuggle for a bit and she seemed to relax. I could see however, that after a while she almost looked scared.
I broke away from my DBing a bit and tried to at least open up a discussion. I told her I could see that she was upset and asked what was bothering her (no answer). I asked her what she was frightend of (no answer). Finally she said "I just don't want to talk about it". I asked her what "It" was, and she replied "Us".
I told her that I could tell that something was eating her up from the inside and that It was clear to me that she had not spoken to me (even really about her day or the weather) in more than a month. I said I am frightened that we are going to continue like this, that the stresses of life are going to continue to come up and build and since we aren't talking we are going to continue on down the road getting further and further apart until we are completely separated - and the end we won't even know why. I said I was not angry about it, but felt sad and a little bit frustrated.
She didn't answer say anything in response.
I told her I would leave her alone and left to take a shower. She left for the gym.
I REALLY don't get it!
This was the first time I tried to start an R discussion in more than a month. (with the exception of a 2-sentence talk about possible MC last week, spurred by her questions about my IC). I feel like the only way I could pull back any more would be to go completely dark and ignore her - which would be rude and cold - or to move out of the bedroom, which I really don't want to do.
Any Suggestions?
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
